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Original poster

Emotional affair?

41 replies

haveacupoftea · 03/04/2016 01:45

Just want opinions on whether i am having am EA. I don't think i am. Have been with DP for 8 years, no DC.

In my last workplace a guy started who lives near me, he is in a committed relationship but not married, no DC. We went to the same school, have a similar sense of humour. Started texting outside work. I left that job a year ago but we still text most days. Sometimes a few texts, sometimes like 30/40. We meet very occasionally for lunch but in a strictly non romantic capacity. He has confessed to liking another girl (other than his own DP) - who isnt me.

Is it safe and ok for me to keep in contact with this friend? DP has met him but doesnt know about the texting - he hasnt looked at my phone and I havent told him.

I dont think there's any physical attraction although i do have a little soft for him because we just click but i click with girlfriends too. We dont even flirt by text, i'm probably worrying about nothing. Just wanted to make sure i'm not acting out of order.

OP posts:
Birthgeek · 03/04/2016 01:49

If my DP was texting anyone up to 40 times a day, I would think it was an obsessive friendship, but that's because he doesn't really do that sort of thing.

If you're needing to ask then you must be having doubts.

"He has confessed to liking another girl (other than his own DP) - who isnt me."

This ^ could be him fishing. Checking out your reaction to the idea of him having an affair, with you.

Birthgeek · 03/04/2016 01:50

Why haven't you told your DP about the texting?

Original poster
haveacupoftea · 03/04/2016 01:55

I'm not sure. It just seems a bit dramatic like, making a big confession. But the texts aren't that exciting. We just text when bored at work mostly, it's like a hangover from working together

I have other female friends i message just as frequently in whatsapp groups etc.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 03/04/2016 01:57

Hmm. I do think men and women can be platonic friends, weird that dh doesn't know you text though, if I've been texting a friend in the day I'll fairly often mention some part of the conversation to dh, update on what they're doing or something funny they said etc.. Does that never happen?

Birthgeek · 03/04/2016 01:58

Hmm. I'd continue only if I was 100% sure that my DP is happy with it, and if my behaviour would be the same with anyone else, and also if I was 100% sure that he had no feelings for me.

What made you post?

Penguinepenguins · 03/04/2016 01:58

How do you know it isn't you?

If my DP was texting a lady that much I'd be miffed...

butteredmuffin · 03/04/2016 02:03

If you are texting another man 40 times a day then I have to wonder whether you are getting something from him emotionally which you aren't getting from DP.

Original poster
haveacupoftea · 03/04/2016 02:03

Sometimes I will mention my friend so DP must know we are still in touch although I don't go into the content of the messages and he doesn't ask. I've had male friends before and still infrequently get messages from old ones and DP is welcoming to them. I guess he knows i wouldn't cheat.

I suppose the texts from this particular friend was a non issue except that i walked into my old workplace a couple of days ago and my friend blushed bright red. It made me uncomfortable seeing that reaction as though i'd been doing some elicit thing with him. Sorry not meaning to drip feed but your posts are making me think.

OP posts:
Original poster
haveacupoftea · 03/04/2016 02:05

He told me the name of the girl he likes, definitely not me! Although he has a long term DP so if he ever brings up this other crush he has I just won't discuss it.

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 03/04/2016 02:06

Of course it is..

You need to take a long hard look at what's lacking in your relationship.

croon979 · 03/04/2016 02:06

If I found out that my husband was texting another woman almost every day sometimes sending up to 40 texts in a day...well, I'm not going to lie, I wouldn't be thrilled. Particularly if it was obvious that he had a 'soft spot' for her. I don't get why people that are just mates would need to text each other that much.

butteredmuffin · 03/04/2016 02:08

I think it's the frequency of your contact with this man that makes it different, and clearly you realise that otherwise you wouldn't be asking this question. There's a bit of a difference between infrequently texting friends you want to keep in touch with and texting someone 40 times a day. To be that does suggest some kind of emotional attachment. Even if you feel as though it's platonic.

For what it's worth, I've kind of been there with a work colleague before. Someone I just really clicked with and we used to email each other a lot. In the end I felt like I was emotionally cheating on my OH, so I just scaled it back a bit. We no longer work together but we meet up for a drink occasionally and email each other now and then, but maybe once every couple of months or so.

Penguinepenguins · 03/04/2016 02:09

He fancies you by the sounds of it...

Sometimes as much as we want it to be platonic and we think it's platonic the feeling isn't always mutual!

Birthgeek · 03/04/2016 02:12

I think the guy probably likes you in 'that way' - I doubt the girl exists. He was just letting you know that he's thinking of cheating. His blushing too.

I guess this is setting off your spidey senses. I would have a chat with DP - doesn't need to be 'big confession' - you have nothing to confess, right?!

Original poster
haveacupoftea · 03/04/2016 02:12

Thanks so much for your thoughts.

Maybe i'll just never initiate contact and hope the bond just sort of dies.

I honestly don't think he thinks of me in a sexual way, and I don't about him either. But we do get on well. Maybe a bit too well for comfort.

OP posts:
Original poster
haveacupoftea · 03/04/2016 02:14

I guess i should chat with DP. I tend to be a bottler and keep everything inside when I have a problem.

OP posts:
Birthgeek · 03/04/2016 02:15

Good plan. If you're even the slightest bit uncomfortable with anything about it, best knock it on the head eh?

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 03/04/2016 02:16

Do you delete the messages? Text him rather than spend time with DP/DH? Imagine your DP/DH picked your phone to read the messages, would you be bothered? Would he be bothered by the content? Do you share intimate, important etc things with your friend that you wouldn't with DP/DH?

Vintage45 · 03/04/2016 02:16

If you don't have an emotional investment why on earth would you constantly message anyone?

You are in denial about your own relationship.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 03/04/2016 02:17

Cross post, you've clearly come to the conclusion it's too close so my questions are irrelevant Smile

butteredmuffin · 03/04/2016 02:17

I agree with birthgeek. Maybe tell DP that you think this guy might like you and you're going to speak to him a bit less and hope he gets the message and cools off. You don't have to cut the guy out of your life, but at least if you wait a while before replying to his messages then you won't be sending each other 40 messages a day. And delete your message history with him in case your DP sees your phone and gets the wrong idea.

croon979 · 03/04/2016 02:18

So you do think there is a 'bond'?

An EA doesn't need to be sexual.

Vintage45 · 03/04/2016 02:21

This is how it will go..

DP, this bloke kind of likes me, Ive been texting him 40 times a day.

I know what I'd say to you.

Original poster
haveacupoftea · 03/04/2016 02:26

I havent deleted my message history, although i did when he confessed to liking this other girl (she does exist, i know her too) because i promised i wouldnt tell and just in case i accidentally forwarded a message or something stupid!

Croom i think we do have a bond. A couple of co workers mentioned that there was 'something there' between us and we gravitate to each other on nights out. We are similar in personality and sense of humour.

I do message DP but he doesnt usually reply. I'm chatty and will chatter in whatsapp groups with girlfriends and family. I don't know why i just enjoy it i guess the same way i like posting on forums.

OP posts:
Penguinepenguins · 03/04/2016 02:27

if you don't initiate contact I doubt your hear from him.

I had a friend who I got on so well with, he knew I had a DP and DP knew about him, but everytime I tried to organise a night out DP and me and friend and friends wife - something would come up! Then he got drunk one night and text something about how he felt about me the first time he ever saw me and in a very crude way - really upset me really freaked me out!

Ignored it

Haven't heard from him since.