Emotional affair?

[haveacupoftea]

Just want opinions on whether i am having am EA. I don't think i am. Have been with DP for 8 years, no DC.

In my last workplace a guy started who lives near me, he is in a committed relationship but not married, no DC. We went to the same school, have a similar sense of humour. Started texting outside work. I left that job a year ago but we still text most days. Sometimes a few texts, sometimes like 30/40. We meet very occasionally for lunch but in a strictly non romantic capacity. He has confessed to liking another girl (other than his own DP) - who isnt me.

Is it safe and ok for me to keep in contact with this friend? DP has met him but doesnt know about the texting - he hasnt looked at my phone and I havent told him.

I dont think there's any physical attraction although i do have a little soft for him because we just click but i click with girlfriends too. We dont even flirt by text, i'm probably worrying about nothing. Just wanted to make sure i'm not acting out of order.

Vintage - I was thinking more along the lines of, "DP, I've been getting a weird vibe from my friend lately so I'm going to try and speak to him a bit less and hope he cools off."

I would definitely not mention the texting.

I think the fact that you're asking answers its own question because if you knew heart and soul there was nothing in it it wouldn't occur to you to ask.

I think it is a bit unfair to focus entirely on the fact that this other guy most likely likes you. The fact is that for you to want to keep up such intense contact must mean that you enjoyed it. Fair play that you are now stepping back from it but rather than telling your DP that you think this guy has a crush on you which seems utterly pointless in my opinion, why don't you figure out whether you are 100% sure that you are getting all you need from your DP?

Penguinepenguins, i have tried to arrange nights out with me, dp, him and his dp but he always cries off. Although he has been out in a group with me and my dp, his dp has never come along. Not sure if she has ever been invited by him or not!

Croon i wont lie, i do like chatting to him, we get on really well. I think in all fairness it is me who needs to give more to my relationship to connect more with DP than with other friends.

Thanks all for your honesty and kindness, it is what i needed to hear. I cant see this turning into a full blown affair but from what i read hear an EA can be just as bad if not worse.

I think you are catching it at the right time OP. The way to get the balance back is easy. Just don't respond as much and cool it off. Totally within your power. But you've got to want to do that. Best of luck.

Yeah... definitely back off a bit and focus on reconnecting with DP. As things stand, no harm done. You don't want anyone to get hurt.

I don't actually really believe in emotional affairs. Not in this day and age. If this were a woman you were friends with no one would bat an eyelid. If you can honestly think to yourself that you have no intention of leaving your DP, that you genuinely love him and only want to be with him, then your friendship with this man however often you text him, is of no consequence. Sometimes we get different things from different people in our lives. It sounds like this male friend of yours is a chatty funny guy and that's perhaps something you don't really get from your DP because he has a different personality. Its totally fine to enjoy another persons company if you know that theres nothing else going on. However if you think that you feel for him more than a friend then I would take a step back. Ditto if you ever get the sense that he might think of you as more than a friend. If that's not the case though theres really nothing wrong with enjoying a bit of a chat with someone who happens to be of the opposite gender!

Thanks so much guys, i will back off, with texting, whatsapp, messenger etc it seems like life can turn into one long endless chat with others and i think my boundaries were in the wrong place. Thank you for your input

Agree with houseeveryweekend there is nothing wrong with a platonic relationship but your here asking is it ok and I think OP your getting a "vibe" from him and the fact his partner never turns up...

I think from your perspective if you text other friends the same amount your not doing anything wrong at all, but from his perspective with the blushing (even if he didn't you got the vibe!) you know in your heart it's time to say goodbye because even if you will never go there it's going to get uncomfortable if he decides to take the leap

Sorry OP, but time to let the friend go - I actually really miss my old friend at times and I would have never gone "there" not in a million years even if I was single! Once I knew his feelings I didn't want to continue that friendship out of respect for DP and for me - and I guess in fairness to the friend who saw what I saw as frendship as something more - I actually think he was missing a lot in his relationship so best for everyone to part company

I have a similar friend, but no soft spot for him ! We text a lot but my husband knows and I update him casually or if we talk about something funny - I just share a joke with DH.

I am mortified at the suggestion that it is an EA - no way, we're friends, same sense if humour and personality, talk about life and work etc. But he's just a friend.

We all go out together sometimes and my husband likes him too.

OP, how much of a 'soft spot' do you have for him? Be honest with yourself.

Thinking about it, my male friend is single. But if he was in a relationship and wanted to cheat, if he asked for my opinion I would really dissaprove and advise him to leave his gf.

I disagree with most of the previous posters on this one...

• There's no flirting or romantic attachment

• You text/contact him roughly the same amount as your female friends

• You're not, as far as I can see, using him as a shoulder to cry on about your own relationship

So I don't see how this can be an emotional affair?

The point of an emotional affair is that it has all the hallmarks of an affair but without the physical intimacy....I don't see this here at all.

Yes, 40 texts in a day can seem like a lot...but you did say that was a maximum and no more than you send to other friends so I don't see a problem with this TBH.

I definitely don't see 'clicking' or having a 'bond' as an absolute indicator of an EA.

I 'click' and 'bond' with female friends and I 'click' and 'bond' with male friends.

Thats why it's strange that OP is wondering if it's an EA...? why on earth would she think that, surely if she had zero romantic feelings towards him she would just go 'ew/oh no' at the thought of it being EA.

If you have to ask, the answer is 'yes'

Unless you would be happy for your DP to read every single text (which I doubt, not only content, but frequency).

Establishing intimacy isn't only about flirting. You feel far too close, which is why you know it's wrong.

Cut contact. Get him out of your thoughts. Don't try to be ordinary friends in the short (or even medium term).

(And he sounds a bit pervy anyhow, what with an interest in a girl. I hope that just means young, maybe still teen, but not actually under the age of consent).

I guess i'm just questioning it after reading the boards and seeing other people wondering about EAs/frequency of DP texts to other women

I really don't want to shag him so I don't think the situation is too bad. But I think DP might be a bit at the frequency of texts. As I say i'm going to engage less and let it die naturally. Thanks everyone