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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's just finished with me

46 replies

shutthebackdoor · 25/03/2016 12:14

My partner of over 2 years has just ended things with me. We have a baby who's 8 months and my sister passed away last month. I'm devastated, I need a hand hold.

OP posts:
something2say · 25/03/2016 12:15

Hey sweetie I'm here.
I had a massive row with m partner this morning and walked out, so no roses this end either.
So what were his reasons then?

ladylambkin · 25/03/2016 12:18

Sorry you are going through this right now. Have you been having problems with your relationship prior to this?

Original poster
shutthebackdoor · 25/03/2016 12:18

Sorry to hear that something Thanks

Before DP I had a few issues, anxiety, depression etc and it led me to making a few mistakes (with the opposite sex if you catch my drift) my partner is so proud and hates that I have a past. This morning at his work he bumped into some people and it sent triggers and he decided he can't be reminded of my past anymore and thinks it's best he end it.

OP posts:
something2say · 25/03/2016 12:19

So, you slept with a few people and he can't deal with it? You're the fallen woman? Later!!

Costacoffeeplease · 25/03/2016 12:20

Then he doesn't sound like a great partner who's on your side, better to know now than waste years on him.

Original poster
shutthebackdoor · 25/03/2016 12:23

It's hard, he's very black and white and only believes in sex if your in love, he's older than me with only one previous relationship that lasted over a decade.

I feel like I've failed. This isn't what I wanted for DS. I don't want to go to my parents and tell them that I've failed. They have so much strain on them as it is.

OP posts:
littleleftie · 25/03/2016 12:24

So you have cheated on him and he has dumped you?

Original poster
shutthebackdoor · 25/03/2016 12:25

No I've never ever cheated on him.

My past as in people before him.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 25/03/2016 12:28

Did he know this before you got serious?

jeavcike · 25/03/2016 12:30

It doesn't sound as though you've failed in anything. You did some things that you aren't proud of - so what? Most of us have skeletons in our closet somewhere. A truly supportive partner would accept that and love you regardless; or even love you because of the person you are as a result of those mistakes.

It's going to be hard to see it now but you've dodged a bullet there: he's done you a favour by leaving. Who needs a partner who is so unsupportive and black & white in their views?

Original poster
shutthebackdoor · 25/03/2016 12:30

I told him from about 3-4 months in I think? My sister then got ill and I got pregnant so I suppose there's been a few distractions if that makes sense.

Since she's passed, he's focused on it again.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 25/03/2016 12:34

Then he's a monumental arse, yep, you definitely dodged a bullet, you don't need a judgemental 'partner' whittling away at your self esteem.

wallywobbles · 25/03/2016 12:37

Learn from this to be vague about your sexual past. I'm afraid this never goes away once it raises its head in a relationship.

Unless he is willing to restrict the pool he is fishing in he will find that people of his age have a past. Tough tits I'm afraid. He is a fing idiot.

Splitting young is the best option to be honest. I was worried about the shame factor at the end of me 4 year marriage with 2 DDs. But the only person who said something was my dad. And frankly he was an arse too! It has been shame free and fabulous for the majority. I have an amazing relationship with my DDs as it has forged such a bond.

Allnamesaretakenffs · 25/03/2016 12:40

There is nothing to be ashamed of, just because you were apreciated by other men before him. FFS, you're not psychic, you didn't know you'd be meeting this guy in the future. It's his issues to deal with, he should have asked you outright from the start if a woman's sexual history is such a massive issue for him. You'll be looking back at this years from now breathing a sigh of relief that you were well shot of him xx

Kelsoooo · 25/03/2016 12:41

It doesn't seem like it now, but you'll come to realise this is the ebst thing for you.

If you take him back after this, you're always going to be striving to get back on the pedestal he wants you to be on.

Most people have had sex for something other than love, be that sexual attraction, a desire for affection, because they need someone or something, because they can.

He can't just up and decide your past means you're not good enough for him. You're not some hussy who's been cheating on him.

You lived your life before him and that's OKAY. Thats NORMAL.

Please don't take him back if he comes crawling back. He's no right to treat you like this.

springydaffs · 25/03/2016 12:41

Urge. We're not in victoriana times here!

Girl you're well rid. I know that isn't much help now though Flowers

Original poster
shutthebackdoor · 25/03/2016 12:44

I just feel so lost. I've lost my sister who was my best friend. I've moved about an hour away from my folks into a new house with him (doesn't seem like much but used to practically be on their doorstep)

This feels like too much.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 25/03/2016 12:45

I hope he isn't managing to make you feel like you've done anything wrong. This is all on him. I know it probably doesn't seem like it now, but you've had a lucky escape. What sort of man walks away from his partner and the mother of his child just because someone he bumped into reminded him that you weren't a virgin when you met him?

Was he controlling about any other aspect of your life, or just your past? (which has sod all to do with him!)

He's going to end up a very lonely man if he only wants partners who come up to his ridiculous 'moral standards' Flowers

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 25/03/2016 12:48

What jeavcike said.
Yeah, I know it hurts today...but you do not want to be forced into his rigid template of what his partner is going to be. Celebrate your own identity.

The only mistake I can see is that you shared your history. Beyond assuring being clear of STI s , the history should be private, imho. Anyone insisting on a list of previous partners would be in Red Flag territory, none of their business. (Hopefully he didn't insist and you simply over shared).

So sorry about your sister. Flowers Be extra nice to yourself and get in a bunch of extra snuggles with your baby Halo .

Peanuts2000 · 25/03/2016 13:10

Why has your past relationships got to do with him, did he expect you to be a virgin before you met him? I had a bit of this when I met my DH, I had a lot more of a "past" -long term relationships, short flings and one night stands, obviously didn't tell him all this. When we first met he knew about some past relationships and was insecure, he had had only one long term relationship and hadn't slept with anyone in years when we met, he was still living with his parents! I certainly don't feel guilty, we have now been together13 years, don't apologise for your past unless it was illegal! Sorry you are on your own with a baby , and you have lost your sister, you have had so much stress and he is going on about stuff that happened in your past ??!! Maybe you need to move back nearer your parents, was it his idea to move away from them? Don't let him make you feel guilty, he should be supporting you, good luck x

Choceclair123 · 25/03/2016 14:00

Wow! What an idiot he is. To walk out on you and his child because of that?! Never heard anything so self centred and ridiculous. You're better off without him Thanks

magoria · 25/03/2016 14:11

He is a twat.

Unless he came into the relationship a pure virgin he should fuck right off with his judgemental crap.

It is none of his business and as he gets older unless he starts dating teens he is never going to find a woman without a sexual history.

Melbournemel · 25/03/2016 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
shutthebackdoor · 25/03/2016 16:13

I wouldn't say controlling. I just feel so fucking upset and lost. I can't cope with this.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 25/03/2016 16:35

Sorry to hear he ended things. Flowers so sorry to hear about you sister Flowers
You haven't failed please don't think that, it may not be what you want for ds but I bet your still be a good mum.
It does seem a shame to me it is because of things in your past, every body has one at the end of the day. Some people are very black and white.

Go and have snuggles with your little ds
Do you have a friend you could call on?