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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do

51 replies

WhoGivesAFlying · 21/03/2016 23:13

Your husband (who's on probation for violence towards you) who you love and have a child with. Or your family (who have found out about the DV).

We love each other and I want it to work. He suggested moving away but my already split family think I'll be even more detached.

Also we have problems with major Disney dad wen it comes to his DC...so much so it's caused massive anxiety for me ( I become public enemy number one wen the kids are here) so much so I'm on a prescription now.

The answer seems obvious, but why can't I take that leap

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 21/03/2016 23:15

Do the Freedom Programme

And protect yourself and your child

It's not love that you have. It feels like love but it isn't.

Waltermittythesequel · 21/03/2016 23:16

You want what to work?

This isn't a relationship, it's an abusive situation. It won't get better. His kids aren't going anywhere (unfortunately for them).

Do you want to look back on your life and see this? Really?

Waltermittythesequel · 21/03/2016 23:16

And your poor child.

He/she has no choice in this. No voice. But will suffer the consequences of it.

cantakerouscow · 21/03/2016 23:21

I don't doubt that you think you feel love and this will make it more difficult for you. However this is not just about you. You have a child and he/she must be your no. 1 priority, always.

It sounds to me like your family are trying to help you get out of this... please accept their offer.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 21/03/2016 23:21

I know Sad we've been apart for 3 weeks and it's been stress free. He's been supportive with our DC (3) but he's back now and we are trying....but we've already argued.

I've said we can't have his kids here until we know what's going on, one way or another. And they are all fine with that. My family can't get over what he did (slapped round head, strangled and stood on my neck, and another time stranded and whacked my head against the wall). Weighting it like that seems so much worse....but I'm stuck, he said his counsellor said he's very controlling so maybe it's that.

I need to get a back bone Sad

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cantakerouscow · 21/03/2016 23:24

That level of violence could kill you.

I will repeat that in case you didn't get it...

That level of violence could kill you.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 21/03/2016 23:25

He doesn't remember the foot one...I called the police. The other one was after...but he's always been ready to slap me. He says he never hit his kids mum.

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Waltermittythesequel · 21/03/2016 23:27

It doesn't fucking matter what his counsellor says, he could have killed you!

What happens if next time, and there will be a next time, he kills you and your defenceless child is left in his care? What happens when your child steps out of line? Pisses him off? Winds him up?

He hasn't been supportive with your dc. He has assaulted his/her mother.

How is that supportive? How is that OK?

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 21/03/2016 23:29

He only came back Saturday and we've had cross words twice....I was so ready to go it alone but he said he never left permanently, just to cool off

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cantakerouscow · 21/03/2016 23:31

If he doesn't remember, was he drinking?

He says he never hit his other partner ... do you believe him? Why does he say their relationship broke down?

You said he's always been ready to slap me. Why??? What possible justification has/does he give for that?

Another Q. Has he ever done anything to make you feel that he could flip out at any of kids in anger?

Waltermittythesequel · 21/03/2016 23:32

Why did you let him back in?

Not being judgey. Just wondering about the thought process.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 21/03/2016 23:33

If we split up
It will mess up his contact with his older DC as he will have no base...(and as he said, cause his ex grief) but I can't help that. I need to talk to someone...

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Waltermittythesequel · 21/03/2016 23:34

That's not your problem. Not even a little bit.

So it's your house then?

Get him out. You know that's what needs to happen, don't you?

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 21/03/2016 23:34

I've seen him lash out at his teenage son. I don't think he meant to hurt him but he did.

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Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 21/03/2016 23:35

walter I did but I have no legal grounds to keep him out once the bail was lifted

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Waltermittythesequel · 21/03/2016 23:36

Who owns the house?

If he lashed out at him, he meant to hurt him.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 21/03/2016 23:37

can I do believe that, his sis has also confirmed that. And yes that time he was drinking...not all of them though

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Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 21/03/2016 23:37

We joint own

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Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 21/03/2016 23:38

But he pays everything

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cantakerouscow · 21/03/2016 23:38

I know this is hard ...

BUT you cannot be with this man. It will take time, but eventually you will see that.

You've seen him lash out at his teenage son. Imagine a good friend telling you that ... what would you say to her?

Waltermittythesequel · 21/03/2016 23:39

Contact WA.

Contact a solicitor.

You can get away from him. But you must take the step to do it.

cantakerouscow · 21/03/2016 23:41

I really do have so much sympathy for you. I can hear it pouring through your messages. Could you take your child and stay with family/friends temporarily ... give yourself some time to work on the practicalities?

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 21/03/2016 23:43

That night he came home drunk, he woke our son up. He thought our son had still not gone to bed (it was 1am). He called me all the names under the sun....lazy cunt and te like for our son still being up. I went into the kitchen to tell him that's not on and I was cross. He grabbed me round the neck and I remember being slapped 3 times round the head each side. We then struggled and he got me round the neck again. I went to the floor and caught my breath, as I was about to try to get up he applied pressure with his foot to my neck. That's when I thought all bets were off

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 21/03/2016 23:43

Jesus he is a loser who is fucking up the life of everyone he has contact with! Listen to your family!

NameChange30 · 21/03/2016 23:45

OMFG he could have killed you. He will kill you, if you stay.

Call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247

Get yourself and your child away from this dangerous man as soon as you can.