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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God i am so pissed off.. or am i just selfish??

44 replies

frenchconnection · 05/01/2007 10:23

My bloody dh let his best mate move in with us a month ago(without even asking me properly), he lives in our loft and has to climb up a ladder to get there!
He doesnt pay a penny in rent but only sleeps here 5 nights a week.. i am just so pissed off as he and my dh stay up late every night talking loudly and laughing, and keeping me awake til the early hours.. we have 2 kids but our ds age 3 is a terrible sleeper and screams all night, so we never get sleep.
My dh's mate is a nice bloke but his snoring wakes my son and i have asked/TOLD my dh that his mate has to leave. My dh has simply said if i dont like it, I am the one who has to leave!!!!!!!!!!!!
I also work 30 hrs a wk, study 15 hrs, and im knackered!! my dh and me dont get on anyway !!

OP posts:
LIZS · 05/01/2007 10:26

tbh sounds illegal to let him use the loft as a bedroom since it is n't converted so don't think you could chrge rent even if you want to. Why don't you just tell the mate he ahs to leave by x date as there simply isn't room longer term ?

mytwopenceworth · 05/01/2007 10:28

omg. does your dh really mean that? if so, i would say that his mate is the least of your problems. does your dh want to split up?

LucyJones · 05/01/2007 10:29

i think the issue isn't his best mate staying, it's btw youand dh - not your job to tell his mate to leave. I'm ed he said you had to leave if you didn't like it. Sounds like maybe r'ship counselling might be the way as you say you don't get on anyway, or even ultimatium time.

Original poster
frenchconnection · 05/01/2007 10:30

oh they dont care if its illegal or not, nobody is going to come round and find out, my dh says.
the mate has nowhere else to live, he visits his girlfriend at weekends but works in london and commutes from our house.
He could move into our ds' room (as ds sleeps in our bed)... i dont know. i can't just tell him to leave, my dh would kick me out i think.

OP posts:
Jimjams2 · 05/01/2007 10:32

Why on earth are you with this man? Do you want to leave the relationship?

mytwopenceworth · 05/01/2007 10:32

love, dont you think THAT is your problem - not the mate?

Original poster
frenchconnection · 05/01/2007 10:37

My dh is a lovely bloke and a great dad, we're not going to split as i dont want to live off benefits again and sometimes we get on ok. My dd already lives apart from her dad and i dont want the same for my ds.
My dh just loves his mates and always goes out of his way to help them, and his mother. He lends his mum hundred of pounds from our account and then she doesnt even bother with presents/a card for our kids at birthdays/xmas!! (a whole other issue!i hate the woman!!)
He just loves helping people out and looking like the hero but doesnt mind if it pisses me off, he says i make a fuss about nothing!!

OP posts:
tribpot · 05/01/2007 10:41

Lovely blokes and great dads put their wives and children first.

HappyDaddy · 05/01/2007 10:41

DH is such a lovely bloke that he puts everyone before his wife and children.

If I behaved like that, I'd be out on my ear.

Original poster
frenchconnection · 05/01/2007 10:46

Yes i think you have hit the nail on the head, i do always feel he puts others before me, he even runs off to see his mother on boxing day when we already had other plans.
Also money, he will happily give money to his friend or mum when WE are totally broke ourselves.They never pay him back and it pisses me off so much.

He also puts his boss before us and works loads of UNPAID overtime as his boss "needs" him (as boss has a special needs child who is always in hospital, so my dh has to cover/ take on the stress) WTF???

OP posts:
Glassofwine · 05/01/2007 10:48

I would like to think that if I had a friend in need my dh would back me up in letting them stay and so I would do the same. I also think that if a friend was staying I'd probably stay up late chatting. So whilst I can understand you being pissed off i think it's one of those things that you have to put up with and be happy in the knowledge that you're helping someone out.

However... he is out of order making you feel that you'd be chucked out if you complain. I am quite shocked. As far as I'm concerned children are happy if their parents are and this doesn't sound good at all. Your ds may be happier in the long run living apart from his father, but with happy parents. You must realise that there are plenty of lovely men out there and plenty of women who are more happy being lone parents then in a negative relationship. I'd call his bluff and if he does kick you out then you know he's not worth staying with. Thats his child he's threatening to make homeless.

Original poster
frenchconnection · 05/01/2007 10:54

Glassofwine, its just me he want to kick out, not the kids.

OP posts:
Glassofwine · 05/01/2007 11:05

Do you think he really would? Could he look after them by himself?

Obviously I'm not suggesting that you leave them, but maybe he needs to be shocked into realising that he's being so kind to everyone else he's neglecting you and the children. Could you tell him that you and the children will go? Do you think you could leave? Do you want to be like this for the rest of your life?

oranges · 05/01/2007 11:09

Actually, I would just go off and stay with a friend for a few evenings and let him and his friend cope with the children.

mytwopenceworth · 05/01/2007 11:16

forgive the bluntness, but why stay with a man who doesnt want you? a spell on benefits while you sort yourself out would surely be less humiliating than clinging on to the coat tails of a man trying to shake you off.

and a lovely bloke doesnt treat anyone like he's treating you, regardless of whether he's wishing you'd call time on the relationship because he's too cowardly to.

sandcastles · 05/01/2007 11:20

'My dh is a lovely bloke and a great dad'

I'm sorry but what you went on to write in that post says otherwise.

Avalon · 05/01/2007 11:24

You're not selfish and I won't type what I think your (d)h is like.

Original poster
frenchconnection · 05/01/2007 11:26

mytwopenceworth, i am not one for clinging to the coat-tails of a man !! i am quite happy to be single again (apart from money worries) and i am very independant, its just the children i am trying to think about!

My dd has already endured one split from her dad(he is not dh) and has deep issues with this- she sees the educational psychologist at school as it affected her so badly!! i cant do it to her again unless the situation shows no sign of getting better! We can live together ok most of the time, but sometimes i CRAVE to be a single mum as i am great on my own!!

OP posts:
UCM · 05/01/2007 11:32

He is probably enjoying having a friend around to chat & laugh with at the moment. Is there any chance that it's just a phase and he will eventually realise that you are pissed off. If not could you just stop talking to the pair of them and then the lodger will be shamed into leaving. Not ideal I know, but at least he will leave.

Socci · 05/01/2007 11:51

Message withdrawn

AMAZINWOMAN · 05/01/2007 12:00

you said you dont want to leave him as you would ahve to live off benefits.

then you said he would lend money out even if you havent got any!!!
at least if ur on benefits you know you are in control-besides hes working, so youd get maintence on top. why not get a job?

to saty with someone for money-is horrible. And for dh-imagine how he feels that ur not with him for love. Just his wallet. Im not surprised he argues with you.

Tortington · 05/01/2007 12:04

heres the thing.

when you give off vibes to some people saying::
treat me like shit,
i am worth fuck all,
i have no dignity,
you cant reat me how you like
speak to me how you like
ignore me
disrespect me

guess what. to some people its like saying HAVE MY PIN NUMBER AND BANK CARD AND TAKE MY MONEY

or like saying

fuck me up the arse i'm a gimp.

yorkshirelass79 · 05/01/2007 12:07

Message withdrawn

maisym · 05/01/2007 12:09

change the locks - only let him back when you've sorted all this out

Original poster
frenchconnection · 05/01/2007 12:11

Amazinwoman i work 30 hrs a week and have 2 kids, plus im doing the final year of my degree which is 15-20hrs a week!! so i cant work any more hours!!

but if i am single again i cant live off what i earn (peanuts) with 2 kids.

OP posts: