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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated

28 replies

Dontknow12 · 09/03/2016 20:04

Just found my long term partner (16 years) has a profile on POF and has been on today. I don't know what to do. I only found it while snooping which I shouldn't have been doing I know. He has been working away one night a week for the last 3 weeks and now I am beginning to question that. My stomach is in knots. I mean I know that things aren't perfect but I didn't think in one million years he would cheat on me.

OP posts:
Toomuchinfo1 · 09/03/2016 20:11

So sorry to read this. I haven't been in your situation, but I would suggest you get all information you possibly can, before confronting him. He will most likely panic & then lie.

Xxx

Toomuchinfo1 · 09/03/2016 20:12

Ps, what made you snoop? Xxx

mummylila · 09/03/2016 20:14

You poor thing this happened to me at Christmas but we'd only been together for a year thankfully!

How do you know it's him are there pictures on there?

I made a fake profile with my friend who he hadn't met using her pictures to see how far he would go, within 4 hours he had given us his address and was sat waiting for her to go round less than 48 hours after I'd been there

Original poster
Dontknow12 · 09/03/2016 20:20

I looked because of something I saw on his phone a few weeks earlier. I just never thought he would actually make a profile.

There are no pictures but he has given enough information to know its him.

Part of me hopes he is just looking and wouldn't act. Nothing he has done in the last few weeks except working away are out of the ordinary. Although every time Ive called him while he has been away he has answered.

I'm just so confused. I know things are rough at the moment. I am not working and he is stuck paying all the bills but I am trying my hardest to change that.

OP posts:
Toomuchinfo1 · 09/03/2016 20:26

Are you going to ask him about it? Xxx

I feel for you, it must be an awful thing to see. How have things been between you (apart from the work issue)? Xx has he been affectionate? Do you have fun together?

Justmuddlingalong · 09/03/2016 20:31

Part of me hopes he is just looking and wouldn't act. That is such a sad thing to read. You are worth more than that , OP. Flowers

mummylila · 09/03/2016 20:35

I'd have to test him if it was me, my guy didn't have a pic either so I got him to upload a private one and send it to me so that I had concrete proof it was him and he was active on there before it went any further.

It was heartbreaking opening the messages that he was sending but it showed me his intentions pretty quickly, it's easy for me to say though you have a hell of a lot more on the line than me

Toomuchinfo1 · 09/03/2016 20:36

I agree with PP . . . That part of your post made me sad too. 16 yrs together xxx

Toomuchinfo1 · 09/03/2016 20:38

Maybe you should do the same OP? Then you know you have concrete proof?

Original poster
Dontknow12 · 09/03/2016 20:39

I'm not going to ask straight away. I have just spoken to a friend in RL who thinks I should sit on it and see what evidence I can gather.

He is still affectionate (we have been together 16 years so its not over the top all the time). If I didn't know this I would think everything was ok :(

I know JustMiddlingAlong but I just don't know what to do right now. I need to get this job issue sorted and then would be in a better place.

I'm not sure I could test him Mummylila I would be heartbroken more than I am now. Right now I am in this little bubble that I desperately don't want to break :(

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 09/03/2016 20:59

Take screenshots etc so he can't deny it or cover his tracks!

Toomuchinfo1 · 09/03/2016 21:01

I agree with your RL friend, I think you should get as much info behind you as poss. I dont know if I could pretend all is fine, it wiuld be written all over my face. Xxx

Resilience16 · 09/03/2016 22:00

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Dontknow. Same thing happened to me last year, found my (now ex) DP on a dating website, after spotting a notification on his phone. I went into shock, was shaking and felt absolutely sick to my stomach. I confronted him, he lied, then he tried to turn it round to make me the baddy for "snooping"...
Any trust I had in him died then, the relationship limped on for another 6 months (more fool me), but it was dead in the water.
Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you. I really do feel for you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Hug for you x

Original poster
Dontknow12 · 29/04/2016 20:46

So a little update :( Found out today that he is texting someone on a secret phone (when I say secret I mean that I didn't know he had it). Its over isn't it?

We had decided to try and see if he could fix things and we are meant to be going to away for 3 weeks. He obviously had no intention of trying.

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 29/04/2016 21:36

Well you can't stay with him after this! What a twat he is. Line your duck up and get rid. Sorry, it's horrible. My H of 20 years did the same to me. I left him. Met the absolute love of my life 2 months later. You deserve more xx

Rainbowlou1 · 29/04/2016 21:39

I'm so sorry Flowers
You will get loads of support here 24/7 xx

Melbournemel · 29/04/2016 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveyoutothemoon · 30/04/2016 06:15

Sorry but no-one makes a profile just to look. How did you find his profile, through an email?

mrsdoughnut · 30/04/2016 08:06

What an absolute shit bag.

OP I know it seems scary and daunting starting again on your own but it really was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Devilscelery · 30/04/2016 11:22

This recently happened to me too. He said he did it to boost his confidence as his self esteem was low! I set-up a fake profile and he suggested meeting the fictiscious person. When I confronted him he said he knew it was me! We are no longer together!!!

Original poster
Dontknow12 · 30/04/2016 17:20

Well today I have found out its not just 1 but 2 woman he has been texting. I am going to go on this holiday (its back home) and deal with it when I get back :(

OP posts:
Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 30/04/2016 22:10

Oh OP, I'm so sorry 😢

A break with your family back home will do you good, let them help and support you and take the time to think about what you want to do going forward.

Flowers and Wine for you, along with lots of unmumsnetty hugs x

Original poster
Dontknow12 · 02/05/2016 13:25

He is also coming. He doesn't know how much I actually know. I need to just suck it up for a few weeks and deal with it when we are back.

OP posts:
Hissy · 02/05/2016 16:20

I would suggest you go alone, leAve him behind.

When he asks, just say "I know. And now you know I know."

I don't think you're going to be able to suck it up, and moreover wh would you. Will he be expecting sex on the holiday?

inlectorecumbit · 02/05/2016 16:41

Why is he coming????
Really really bad idea
Why delay the inevitable better get it out now rather than let it fester for 3 weeks. Uses these 3 weeks back home to begin healing with your friends and family
Sod him

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