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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unfriendly mums at school gate

30 replies

Citygirlatheart1978 · 07/03/2016 15:08

Hi,
We have just moved to a new area amy my 8 year son started a new school.Everything seems to be going well for him but the mums are very unfriendly to me.I smile and say hello but I caught them staring at me quite a few times.My husband says they are jealous of how I look(he is biased)and I just told myself I was being paranoid.Last week my son came home from school and told lots of boys were talking about me and one of boys mothers told her son "She spends too much on fashion ".

I am not really concerned about me,whilst it would be nice to have friends at school I am more concerned that unkind comments but not help my son settle in his new school.

OP posts:
Yoksha · 07/03/2016 15:26

Your Dh is right. Don't lower your standards to fit in. Just carry on being friendly. Oh I don't miss the school runs. Playground mentality amongst the adults. I'd be tempted to approach this mum and say " your son appears to be spreading gossip heard in the privacy of your home. Just thought I'd give you the heads up"

lavenderdoilly · 07/03/2016 15:38

I regularly THINK so and so is too made up etc but that is because I am scruffier than I would like to be, especially at school run time. But I keep it to myself. I am sure your ds will find decent friends who ignore stupid remarks like that. I would never share my ridiculous 8.45 am value judgements with my child. Sorry that you and your ds have heard a bout of it from some idiot.

YakTriangle · 07/03/2016 15:41

You don't need to be friends with them, just because you happen to all have children at the same school doesn't mean you need to make friends with anyone. Keep being friendly and dress however you want - if they want to slag you off to their children, they have the problem, not you.

Jan45 · 07/03/2016 15:53

Total jealousy and anyone who actually judges you on your hair and make up aint worth knowing!

Original poster
Citygirlatheart1978 · 07/03/2016 16:09

Thank you for your comments ladies, today one of the dads was there at pick up and introduced himself and seemed very friendly.When my son came out he said "Oh he has got your eyes".I could see the mums rolling their eyes.I think I will just sit in my car until thev very last minute from now on.

OP posts:
musicismylife · 07/03/2016 16:27

citygirl, no, do not sit in your car until the very last minute!

These mum's do not know you, so cannot dislike you. However, they could be jealous which is NOT your problem.

Keep your head held high & keep smiling Smile

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/03/2016 16:31

LOVE what Yoshka suggested

and remember they cant all be bitchy, there will be other parents that do |Bfast/after school etc.

definitely rather jealous of you - keep smiling

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 07/03/2016 16:33

"She spends too much on fashion" Hah! That's hilarious. Obviously you look very very nice. Perhaps one or two of them feel inadequate by comparison and are scrabbling around for a way to criticise you.

Anyway. The catty groups (every school has got one) are often the most noticeable. There will be some nicer people around whom you haven't seen yet, possibly because they are keeping their distance from the catty ones. So don't give up hope.

LeanneBattersby · 07/03/2016 16:37

I think you're probably focusing on three or four queen bees. Look around at all the other mums and dads who aren't rolling their eyes at you. Make friends with them. In all likelihood, they'll be better friends anyway.

Duckdeamon · 07/03/2016 16:39

It's unlikely that they're ALL unfriendly: some will be alright.

cranberryx · 07/03/2016 16:40

I think this is jealousy pure and simple.

Hold your head high. They will have nothing but unhappiness if they spend all their time comparing themselves to other people and coming up short.

Original poster
Citygirlatheart1978 · 07/03/2016 16:41

You have cheered me up no end! I think you're rightMyfavouriteClinton,the mean girls are always more noticeable just like at school.

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 07/03/2016 16:50

OP, anyone who goes on like like this is very basically not a nice person, and certainly not someone I would want to be friends with anyway. This is their true characters showing. Whether it´s through jealousy, hostility, wariness of you being a stranger, God knows. Not your issue. BTW some could just be a bit shy which is coming across as standoff-ish mind too. That´s why I wouldn´t go sit in the car.

Maintain a positive, confident and friendly air. Ignorre the ones giving you evils but I would continue to smile and acknowledge others incase they´re just a bit reserved naturally.

Wow, you certainly seem to have ruffled a few feathers by barely even opening your mouth though, respect! Grin Especially if they´re out and out talking about you back home! What´s up with these people? Is it just that you´re very well put together and fashion conscious compared to the bitchy cliques of pyjama/legging wearing, scruffy-haired abrasive women? You´re probably making them feel insecure of their appearence! Grin

But don´t lower your standards. If people can´t be arsed making a tiny bit of effort towards someone who is clearly new in town, making them feel welcome in the process, and judges them purely on their appearence then bugger them.

But I can´t believe they´re all like that. Just keep on keeping on and don´t withdraw or let the idiots wear you down. How dare people pass judgement when they haven´t had the basic good manners to open their mouths and speak to you? Shock I think you sound like a breath of fresh air and they sound like right eejits!

BillBrysonsBeard · 07/03/2016 17:25

Seriously, don't let ANYONE make you feel bad because of their own bitchiness and insecurities. The best thing you can do is carry on as normal, wear whatever the fuck you like and smile breezily. Bullies hate that! Why do some adult women make each other feel like this? Because they're not happy people and for some bizarre reason are always surrounded by others.
There will be plenty of nice, normal people just like that dad you met Smile

Yoksha · 07/03/2016 17:34

BillBrysonsBeard
Grin
Misery loves company

Original poster
Citygirlatheart1978 · 07/03/2016 17:40

I am so glad I posted on here nowI'II just have to find the mums at school like you ladies.It is a very small school with only about 120 boys so I guess a few mums are dominant.

OP posts:
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/03/2016 18:25

Well I really hope one of these delightful ladies stumbles across this thread which will make them realise quite how ridiculous their behaviour is. They have absolutely no right to judge you when they don't even know you - How dare they! (I'm actually feeling quite grrrrrr on you behalf OP Angry)

It's what's inside that counts anyway, you should be able to turn up wearing anything from a sack to a ballgown! Besides, I tend to admire those who do actually manage to look half-decent - they come across as very together and organised. People to admire, not berate.

There's a lady at DCs school who glares at me whenever she sees me - I try to ignore it and remind myself that it's her problem not mine.

No parent should go around judgypanting other parents at the school gate - It's not their place and none of their business.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 07/03/2016 18:26

Our Catty Queen made a great show of laughing at my (admittedly ill-advised) colourful tights recently when I turned up to school pick-up with DH. I'm never normally there. The full smirk, point, nudge friend, whisper, laugh routine we all remember from the third year (I'm old). DH noticed, I didn't. He was very cross on my behalf, I shrugged it off.

Interestingly, she seems to intimidate a good few mothers, but the fathers have sussed her out much more quickly and dismissed her much more easily.

So, be more Dad, OP?

Koopz · 07/03/2016 18:29

They aren't dominant, they are just bitchy! My Son is 18m so no school gate crap yet thank god.
Hold your head high and don't let them make you feel you have to sit in your car, they are just jealous.

thequeenofsandwich · 07/03/2016 18:36

nothing changes does it. my children are now 25 , 21 and 16 but I remember being ostracised at the school gate because, "she washes her bedding too often". .......

Original poster
Citygirlatheart1978 · 07/03/2016 18:44

Yes,it is like being back at school for the mums too.My son told me this evening he has been pick for one main of the main parts in the school play( I'm very proud) but I don't think it will help with my popularity.

OP posts:
MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 07/03/2016 18:48

but queen, how did they even know how often you washed your bedding? (Mind boggle).

My grandmother was super-good at this kind of judging. I never cleaned before she visited, since she would do it again anyway, while muttering. I quite enjoyed her dismay at my (actually pretty high, just not obsessive) domestic standards.

thequeenofsandwich · 07/03/2016 18:50

"she" was a neighbour. spent too much time watching my business and not enough on her own

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 07/03/2016 19:13

Queenie - Your old neighbour sounds positively creepy if she was monitoring your laundry habits

Why do others parents go along with such nonsense?!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 07/03/2016 19:20

I only talk to a few school run parents. Most of them are very clicky and "I'm so involved with the school, I can do anything I want"

Cant be arsed with it. I've already do the primary school, playground jeering, I'm not doing it again.

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