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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Apparently...

36 replies

Notgoodatall · 05/03/2016 20:03

" you're living under my roof and therefore I deserve your respect." DP just told me this because I got really angry with him when he told our 2 Yr old to "use his brain" when he let his balloon go. Why would you firstly try and belittle a 2 yr old like that? i told him he should be embarrassed with himself and his behaviour was disgusting. Apparently if I continue to disrespect him I'll be the one crying in a corner and he's had enough of me. Interesting... We just had a baby two weeks ago and I'm wondering what the hell am I doing. I feel trapped. Minimal income, 3 kids and no family close by or I can go and stay with. I feel absolutely screwed. Help

OP posts:

supermum342 · 05/03/2016 20:06

you need to sit him down and talk, maybe hes stressed out and needs someone to talk to

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 05/03/2016 20:08

wtf Supermum?!

Op, this is totally not ok behaviour from him, I don't care how stressed he is, that's not the way you talk to the mother of your baby or to a small child (is that one his or is he step dad?)

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 05/03/2016 20:10

Oh i see, sorry, two year old is his son too. Been on lots of step threads this evening!

Well the fact remains, he shouldn't be talking down to a 2 year old and he most certainly shouldn't be talking that way to you. Is he usually a bully or is this new for him?

pocketsaviour · 05/03/2016 20:16

if I continue to disrespect him I'll be the one crying in a corner

Was that said in a threatening way? It sounds really aggressive :(

Is this the first time he's said or acted like this, or when you look back can you see a build up?

Marchate · 05/03/2016 20:16

How horrible

Lweji · 05/03/2016 20:22

Quite frankly, you need to free yourself from him.

Please ring WA for practical advice and to devise a leaving plan.
Does he own the house?

Original poster

Notgoodatall · 05/03/2016 20:34

This is just a small chip of the crap I've had to put up with over the years. I've had enough... He owns the house, the car etc etc been together 11 years and we never got married. 3 kids together.

OP posts:

Marchate · 05/03/2016 20:50

Phone Women's Aid for advice

Original poster

Notgoodatall · 05/03/2016 21:08

I'm going too. Thanks so much. He's apologised already but I'm so sick of this shit

OP posts:

DubbyDubDub · 05/03/2016 21:15

Leave him NOW. Well that's the default knee jerk option here AFAIS.

Could I respectfully ask why you have 3 kids with him, and a newborn now? His behaviour surely didn't happen overnight.

Would either or both of you be having post baby blues or something? Can it be worked out with talking or is it over now.

Do you need sleep or a break. You are both probably exhausted with a new baby on board. Naturally. And maybe tensions have emerged. I dunno. Just trying to help.

GatherlyGal · 05/03/2016 21:46

Why ask that Dubby? How on earth is that helpful.

If this is his normal behaviour you need to make a plan. It's always possible. You don't have to put up with this.

FrancesNiadova · 05/03/2016 22:02

Mumsnet drill Notgood:
Do nothing quickly unless your lives are at risk.
Get dc' s passports
Get copies of financial documents
Get dc' s birth certificates
Get receipts of anything you paid for before you gave up work
Get old wage slips to prove what you could be earning if you weren't being a mother.
Get before/after photos of any renovations/decorating you have done that adds value to the family home
Phone Womens Aid for advice.
He's a bully. You're just coming out of birth. His natural instinct to protect you and his children and baby should be at its strongest.

DubbyDubDub · 05/03/2016 22:05

I asked if there may possibly be a reason for all this. Like a newborn and a two year old and another child aswell. It can all get on top of you.

It should not always be the default to go to WA and LTB surely?

There may be ways to try and work things out over time, but THEN if it is not working well off you go. It is only two weeks since the birth of the new baby after all.

I just wondered why a new baby was in the mix if things have been so terrible. I don't think it is unreasonable to mention that.

And I have empathy, but bailing out tomorrow is not the answer without even trying to get help for the relationship and seeing if things could improve.

I really do wish the OP well, but would think that to step back for a bit might help. I don't think that is unreasonable.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/03/2016 22:08

The Women's Aid national helpline number is frequently oversubscribed.

Find your nearest service here and make contact with them when he's not around: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Lweji · 05/03/2016 22:09

It should not always be the default to go to WA and LTB surely?

When there's abuse, and threats of violence, yes.

Lweji · 05/03/2016 22:11

Abuse also tends to step up after children are born. The more an abuser perceives his partner to be dependent on him and stuck, the more abusive he (or she) becomes).

There is excuse for this level of threats.

DubbyDubDub · 05/03/2016 22:23

I don't get any back story here of constant abuse. On the face of it it seems to have happened just after the birth of the last child and both OP and DP got angry.

If it was ongoing, fair enough get out now. On the other hand if this display of anger is recent, there may be a reason for it just right now.

All I am saying is that maybe, just maybe things could be sorted with counselling and other help.

But only the OP knows the full story. We do not. So I am only going on the OP.

If there is a history of abuse then I think it was reasonable of me to ask why they had a third child together. Apologies if that annoys anyone. But it is a fair question.

Anyway. I hope things will be OK for OP in time.

At the end of the day if she feels she needs to go, then go she must with all the help and links given here. If she feels overwhelmed and tired, and post natally depressed (as her DP might be too), then time, medical help and a step back might work things out too.

Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/03/2016 22:51

Bloody Hell . I had that "think yourself lucky I have put over your head" shit.
OP you need to get out asap.
I was same as you with no money and 3 DCs. I started claiming CTCs separately from him and signed on for JSA. I informed him that he had to start doing his own cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc which he was well pissed off about as, up till then , he had had free childcare , a cook, a cleaner, etc.
I am now a week away from moving into a rented house with my DCs. Should add they took it well when I told them about divorce. STBX was too busy watching footy to take part in the conversation. DS1 literally yawned as so not bothered, DD just wanted to make sure she was not going to get the smallest bedroom, and DS2 just happy that he was coming with me.
If I can do it so can you.
Good luck.

Lweji · 05/03/2016 22:59

DubbyDubDub

Do you think these comments come out of nothing?
Do you think people say these things without meaning them?
Do you think they are even justifiable by tiredness?

goddessofsmallthings · 05/03/2016 23:04

If a man tells the mother of his 3 dc "You're living under my roof and therefore I deserve your respect" and assures her that if she continues to disrespect him "she'll be the one crying the corner" the only step she needs to take is to make contact with Women's Aid.

While on the subject of steps, has this board been relocated to Stepford?

Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/03/2016 23:05

Op has already stated that this is just one more example of the crap she's had to put up with over the past few years, so not just suddenly occurred after the birth of DC3.
And no, it really is not helpful to ask why someone has 3 children with a man who is such a crap partner. Life is never that cut and dried simple.

DubbyDubDub · 05/03/2016 23:05

I don't know. Do you?

Who knows. All I am saying is that a child was born two weeks ago and there are two other young children in the mix. So who knows what is going on really?

If you have a definitive insight into the relationship from what was posted in OP, well done. I don't. Both partners lost their cool from what I can see. So we do not know who is in the firing line for blame here really do we?

Knee jerk reactions are bad. A bit of a stand back and see if things can be worked around are usually worth it. If it doesn't work out, so be it. As I said.

Iwantmymaidennameback · 05/03/2016 23:07

"Bailing out"

DoreenLethal · 05/03/2016 23:09

No, sometimes knee jerk reactions are good. and it is clear that we do know what is going on, the OP is in need of help to get away from a man that demands she show him respect. I mean, you might like a man that demands that but fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Lweji · 05/03/2016 23:12

DubbyDubDub

I don't see two partners loosing their cool.

I see one being abusive towards a little child and towards his female partner. More so because he's making it perfectly clear to her that she is dependent on him.

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