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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just need to talk

38 replies

FilthyPout · 27/02/2016 01:46

DH has walked out. We've had a massive row and he's left taking as much of his things with him as he could carry. He's also text me since saying this was all my doing and he's glad he's finally rid of me. We have a baby together and I keep looking at Ds sleeping and breaking down. I'm not asking for sympathy but I just don't know what to to do and have no one to talk to. I'm completely and utterly devastated.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 27/02/2016 01:49

So sorry, what a terrible situation.

FastWindow · 27/02/2016 01:50

Can you talk?

kittybiscuits · 27/02/2016 01:53

Hi. Sorry things are so difficult right now. What was the row about - only if you want to say.

Original poster
FilthyPout · 27/02/2016 01:59

The row was over how I felt unimportant. He can nip the shop and disappear for days if you know what I mean. He came home earlier after being gone over 12 hours with no explanation. He won't answer calls or texts whilst he is out and I tried to tell him how it made me feel. It got abit heated as he basically tried to say it was my own fault. Why would he want to come home when all I do is make life hard for him by interrogating him etc etc. And obviously I didn't agree that that was how I've been acting so it got abit heated and he stormed out saying I'm not worth being here for anyway..

I know he's not the type of person I want to be with but he's not always been like this so I'm finding it hard to contemplate not being With him anymore.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 27/02/2016 02:03

He sounds horrible. And totally unreliable. Try not to think too far ahead at the moment.

Original poster
FilthyPout · 27/02/2016 02:09

I'm trying not to kittybiscuits but that's what's jumping out in my head.
He's my husband, how could I be without him. Ds, he adores his dad, how's he going be without him..
The house feels so wrong, I see dhs things and can't imagine them not being there, I can't go to bed because his side is empty and his pillows are there and the bedding is a set he picked..
Sorry I probably sound like an absolute loon!

OP posts:
Lovemygirls2015 · 27/02/2016 02:19

You don't sound like an absolute loon. You sound very much like me when I was younger. Can I ask how old you are and how long you've been together? It's totally not right that he disappears for hours without any explanation and you have every right to by angry at him.

FastWindow · 27/02/2016 02:21

He leaves for hours or days without explanation?...! You allow this?

FastWindow · 27/02/2016 02:23

Google 'gaslighting' and oh my goodness, i dont know what to say. As lovemygirls said, how old are you?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/02/2016 02:26

No, you just sound sad.

But what you need to think about is whether or not he's worth having at his price. I wouldn't think so, at least not for me.

kittybiscuits · 27/02/2016 02:27

It's to be expected for everything to seem wrong just now. That's okay. But he's been treating you really badly. Some space might be a good thing, as much as it feels awful just now.

Original poster
FilthyPout · 27/02/2016 02:28

Love my girls I'm 24. Married 2 years, been together for 6 years.
I've allowed it yes. I know how stupid that is. I have done for an easy life I suppose. I hate hate hate arguments and I'm one of those people who can't go to bed angry. I'll fake apologise just so we can make up before bed if you know what I mean. I know I'm not right doing that but I just hate the idea of someone being angry with me..
He does disappear for days yes. He used to say be an hour late home, then it was a few hours late, then it was the next day before he was home Etc etc..

OP posts:
Original poster
FilthyPout · 27/02/2016 02:30

Cross posted with a few there. Thank you for letting me vent, I am taking all your responses in.. I know what you're saying is right. It just seems impossible to let go right now

OP posts:
Original poster
FilthyPout · 27/02/2016 02:33

Reading that back I sound so childish, I'm sorry about that! I'm just typing what's coming into my head.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 27/02/2016 02:34

Nice guy then and you know what hes like. Up to you how long you'll put up with it. Most husbands dont do this, nothing like.. They come home as expected , look after the kids while you have a break, make you dinner, cup of tea, whatever you would do for him. No unexpected shite. My dh is a bit shit at coping when he has manflu. But i know exactly what, where and when to expect him. And he is no saint.

FastWindow · 27/02/2016 02:37

Have you tried being properly angry with him? He sounds like he deserves the mother of all talking to's.

FastWindow · 27/02/2016 02:39

Oh and by the way, hell be back. Just make sure its on your terms.

TheBouquets · 27/02/2016 02:40

This is very early in the situation. You really do not have to put up with someone treating you and your child as badly as this. You are very young and have lots of life ahead of you. One day you will find someone worthy. Find a spare duvet or something and bed down on the settee. Tomorrow you might think about clearing away all the reminders of the disappearing manchild. Don't think you can change him. These manchild types never grow up. Concentrate on yourself and the DC and set off on a fresh start for you and the DC

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 02:41

Oh you poor love, what a mess! Has he always done this disappearing act for days at a time?
Is he an alcoholic, do you think?

Either way, he's an utterly selfish bastard and, although it doesn't feel like it right now, you'll be better off without him. I couldn't bear to live life like that day to day, never knowing when he's going to be gone for hours or days - what a shitty thing to do to you!

Others are right he doesn't love you. He only loves himself, he only wants to do what he wants to do and he's not going to let you interfere with that. Chances are he has someone on the side as well (or many someones, not a regular), which may be why he stays out for days at a time.

Please bag up the rest of his stuff and dump it by the door for him to pick up next time he deigns to come back - and then get his key and boot him out. Your life will be hell if you choose to allow him to come back, he'll do this again and again, as often as you'll let him, and each time he gets away with it his behaviour will worsen.

So so sorry for you Thanks

Lovemygirls2015 · 27/02/2016 02:41

I feel for you FilthyPout. You sound so like me at your age. I had MH problems due to losing my parents at 18 and although my DH (we have been together since I was 14 him 17) tried to understand and be there for me we just drifted apart. He decided he wanted to go out an socialise and be a normal 20 something and I couldn't. We married and had our first DD when I was 23 and he was 26 and I was ready to settle down and be a mum but he wasn't ready. He would go out 3/4 nights a week and not come home till 5/6 in the morning and I had no clue where he had been and this was before mobile phones. Thankfully he was with his family so I knew there was nothing going on and he just wanted to have fun but it broke my heart every night sitting waiting for him to come home. You have been together since you were very young and maybe you are ready for the responsibility for a family and he isn't. That doesn't make it fair on you and he should be able to talk to you about it and it isn't right that he goes out and doesn't contact you. You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel and if it doesn't change then it's over. You're a mum now and you need to do what is best for you and your DC.

Original poster
FilthyPout · 27/02/2016 02:44

Fastwindow it looks like I won't have to put with it anymore because he's gone. Apparently not coming back..
The pathetic thing is i know that was he does his wrong I know it's ridiculous that I've put up with it and I know he's the opposite of what a husband should be. But something inside me refuses to want to loose him..
I've tried extremely angry yes. But I give in and apologise when he doesn't back down.. ( my own fault I know I know) I really am my own worst enemy. I can't deal with the guilt when we row. I end up feeling awful that I've started a row when I should've just told him I'm not happy with whatever and move on and it's all my fault.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 02:46

Gosh, someone's done a number on you, haven't they.

He's a stubborn selfish wanker, you tell him you're not happy with that, and then YOU'RE the one who backs down and apologises, taking the blame for causing a problem with HIS fucking awful behaviour?

Was there a lot of shouting in your family home, is that why you don't like it? Or have you learnt over the last 6y to keep your mouth shut so that he doesn't kick off?

Lovemygirls2015 · 27/02/2016 02:48

You don't have anything to feel guilty about, you have done nothing wrong. You are only looking out for you and your DC he is the one that is being selfish.

FastWindow · 27/02/2016 02:53

I think there is something more going on here and op feels hemmed in, in every way. Not DV but EA. So far.

Please Filthypout look up gaslighting. If its the only thing you read tomorrow, then come and talk to us. Ive been there, and im probably not the only one posting on this thread tonight.

Original poster
FilthyPout · 27/02/2016 02:55

Thank you so much for sharing love my girls, it's awful but it's almost like reading my story when reading yours.
I know you're all right and i know I just need to basically grow a backbone and make sure he's gone for good. I just.. I don't know..

Thumb no there wasn't any shouting but my stepfather was very good at making everything my fault, and making me feel guilty for something I hadn't done. twisting things etc so I'm pretty sure my attitude to arguments stems from being around him. I panic when in an argument

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