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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just need to talk

38 replies

FilthyPout · 27/02/2016 01:46

DH has walked out. We've had a massive row and he's left taking as much of his things with him as he could carry. He's also text me since saying this was all my doing and he's glad he's finally rid of me. We have a baby together and I keep looking at Ds sleeping and breaking down. I'm not asking for sympathy but I just don't know what to to do and have no one to talk to. I'm completely and utterly devastated.

OP posts:
Out2pasture · 27/02/2016 02:56

FP you've done the right thing bringing this to a head.
continue to be strong, and know that his behavior is not okay.
even if you two get back together it needs to be a healthy relationship not this taking off bs.
get some financials in order right away.

I hope someone can come online to make further recommendations in this dept.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 02:56

I agree with you Fast - sounds like the OP has been heavily conditioned to believe it's her fault and she has to be the "appeaser", while he gets to do exactly what he likes and throw his toys at any resistance from the OP.

Shocking, and very sad for OP and her DS.

Lovemygirls2015 · 27/02/2016 03:00

That's why I felt I needed to comment as I don't often do, but you just sounded so much like me when I was younger.

If I could look back and give my younger self some advice I would honestly say get rid. Don't put yourself through this because you are so much better than him and you and your DC deserve so much more.

I know you will be heart broken for a while but there is someone out there for you that will treat you how you deserve to be treated.

We only have one life so don't waste it on someone that doesn't appreciate you or deserve you.

Lovemygirls2015 · 27/02/2016 03:08

Out2pasture I totally agree with you. Like I have said in my previous posts I was exactly like Filthy when I was younger and after many years of hard work mainly on his part and having 3 DDs we are now very happy. Celebrating 32 years together and 24 married today in fact we are happier than I could have ever imagined in the early days.

It takes a lot of work and you both have to be totally committed to each other and the family for it to even have a chance.

FastWindow · 27/02/2016 03:12

Its fucking hard enough with dc when both of you are doing the best you can. If the wife is carrying everything and a shitstain dh (sorry op) ... Not sustainable.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 03:14

Sorry, xposted with you there Filthy - yes, you have been conditioned clearly, by your SF to start with, and now your partner is the same sort of person.

Once you've read the stuff about gaslighting and emotional abuse (something your SF was clearly guilty of too), then if you do decide to cut this one loose rather than bend over backwards to get him to come back (and he will be back) - look into the Freedom Programme as well, to free yourself from this pattern. Thanks

Original poster
FilthyPout · 27/02/2016 03:19

I've googled gas lighting a bit more. Everything is ringing true. Believe it or not I was training to be a mental health nurse but got pregnant so have taken a year off to have Ds. How fucking stupid am I?!

OP posts:
Lovemygirls2015 · 27/02/2016 03:21

You're not stupid, it's just easier to see it in someone else than yourself.

petalsandstars · 27/02/2016 03:41

Try to get some sleep if you can. Your DS will likely need you in the morning - maybe put the radio on quietly and rearrange the pillows/ change the sheets. You have a massive advantage now to make a good life without him draining you - get some legal advice and rl support Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 04:06

Lovely, you're really NOT stupid. These men are past masters at the art of this, they start off very insidiously so you barely notice, then it ramps up slowly and surely. You were already "conditioned" by your SF, so it was much easier for your P to carry the job on - but please please please lay the blame for this exactly where it belongs - at THEIR feet, not yours.

tallwivglasses · 27/02/2016 11:34

How's things today OP? Have you got a friend or family member you can talk to?

Original poster
FilthyPout · 27/02/2016 12:23

Thank you for your messages and responses last night, talking things out with you guys really has helped. I feel just as sad as I did last night but with your responses last last I know I need to move forward and not let myself be treated the way I have been. I'm hoping thugs will get easier now

OP posts:
Isetan · 27/02/2016 15:26

I hope he's gone for good but I fear he hasn't. I fear this is just another tactic to get you to STFU and not question his disrespectful behaviour towards you.

You've made a good start by recognising that you've enabled his twattery but what's next? Take this opportunity to deal with your issues and think about your child learning similar behaviours (as you did) from his Dad.

Time to break the cycle.

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