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Original poster

A question about fancying people

27 replies

richiecomehome · 26/02/2016 17:35

I have a problem with no seeming to fancy anyone or want to go on dates with them.

Can I ask how often you fancy people and what makes you fancy someone?

Is it easier for men to move on after the end of relationships? I think my ex is dating again quote soon after our breakup and here I am completely unable to even muster interest.

Not that I usually fancy people often anyway, I just don't.

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/02/2016 17:41

Take your time love, no rush. It's important to find out who you are and where your boundaries are.

slimochuda · 26/02/2016 18:04

Perhaps it is a mental process for you and you need a connection with someone? Is part of the problem the fact that fancying is always defined patriarchally as about looks? So you hear this term and think you need to feel an initial physical attraction. You worry when you dont maybe that it means you won't be attracted to anyone. But if your attraction takes time to build and maybe takes you by surprise, that is why it takes longer. I didn't used to believe this but now I do.

Original poster
richiecomehome · 26/02/2016 18:23

Yes that's exactly how my attraction works. I can't fancy anyone unless I have somehow bonded with them and it's sort of crept up on me.

It's sad for me because I'd just love to have some dates and get asked a lot but find it painful and can't wait to get away!

OP posts:
Lovetruelove · 26/02/2016 18:44

I am the same - their lucky if I fancy them - it's a rare thing for me - have to have a mental connection first 😀

RiceCrispieTreats · 26/02/2016 19:15

I'm like you OP: I very rarely fancy anyone, and when I do it's because of what they've shown me of their character. And that takes time to be revealed.

Sadly it's harder to get continuous exposure to people, unless you work with them or something. So I focus on being happily single.

Lovetruelove · 26/02/2016 19:22

I don't 'get' casual hook ups either - not over any moral high ground it's just to me it's like asking someone to spit on me in the street - rather unhygienic- yuk

slimochuda · 26/02/2016 19:25

Is there something you can do to create the right environment for a mental connection? A common interest? Then maybe just thinking a little more flexibly. I am totally fascinated by this process. I have seen how a subtle change in posture, a look, reaction of others can change someone from an acquaintance to maybe something else. It's not a process that can be forced.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 26/02/2016 19:27

I am the same too. I often look at people and think they are good looking, but I need to know them better before there is a "spark". Take your time OP, you're probably still healing after your break-up. If you don't enjoy going on dates don't force yourself.

MoominPie22 · 26/02/2016 19:30

I never ever look at anyone, in real life or on TV, and think ¨Phwoar!!¨ I think it was subtle with me and my now OH because we were friends first and it just evolved. I can appreciate a bloke ( usually celebrity ) is good looking or/and fit but it´s objective with zero attraction. And the same goes for women, I can see a woman is good looking too but it´s purely observational.

I used to think there was something wrong with me cos my friends were always talking about who they fancied and even told their partners ( Confused ) and then the partners would say who they fancied.....so you´ve got these couples who both know who eachother fancies, which I find just bonkers frankly!! I mean, if my OH fancies Beyonce I´d rather he keep it to himself cos it´s not very sensitive and I would feel even worse about myself than I already do lol!!

But, call me a weirdo, but I never look at anyone and actually feel physical attraction. Hmm

Lovetruelove · 26/02/2016 19:35

Yes best to do a hobby/work that u have things in common with and love will appear out of knowwhere - my mum once told me at 17 follow your heart (wish I had taken that advice) if you follow your heart you will meet people like you that you like.

areyoubeingserviced · 26/02/2016 19:41

Totally agree
I used to think that I was odd because I didn't fancy anyone. Until I realised that I was attracted to a man's character rather than looks.

slimochuda · 26/02/2016 19:50

Also people can say " I fancy x" and create a big conversation around it. But "I have no initial spark but sometimes a mental connection isn't exactly the stuff of pop lyrics

Lovetruelove · 26/02/2016 19:55

I think we r back to the differences between men and women. I have met a lot of men in my time and they all confess to physical attraction being very important. They can't help it - it's the way they are made for breeding lol . wish it was different but it's the truth.

HandyWoman · 26/02/2016 19:55

i have no initial spark but sometimes a mental connection

Hahahaha!!! We need to write a song with this in!!!!

cupcakesandwine · 26/02/2016 19:55

Totally agree. I generally don't fancy someone until I know and like them as a person. The only exception to that was exH who I basically fell in lust with and I'm afraid that really didn't end well as we were ultimately an awful match.

Far better to fall in like with someone first and know they have morals and character before you look for anything else (wish someone had told me that 30+ years ago)!

slimochuda · 26/02/2016 20:45

I wonder if a certain vulnerability helps? I think the most beautiful relationships I know are those that have developed between people later in life, when people have experienced ups and downs. I can see one developing now in front of my eyes and my God it is beautiful

MeMySonAndl · 26/02/2016 20:50

I thought I was going off men after meeting so many men and fancying none. Then I met my BF and...it is as if I am going through teenage again. Grin

I guess it is a matter of taking it easy until you find someone you like.

Original poster
richiecomehome · 26/02/2016 21:27

Thanks everyone.

It makes internet dating so hard, which is really the only sort open to me.

Zero men I meet in the day at work, don't go to bars, no clubs or hobbies and if I did the last person I would ever fancy was someone in a club anyway.

I feel like I am going to be alone forever!

And I know my ex had ben on two bloody dates already!

I have 246 unread emails on POF and 50 matches on tinder and I feel absolutely no desire to meet any of them! It's so hard!

My ex asked me out for a year before I went with him, because like you say I go to know his character and the attraction built as friends first.

OP posts:
FarinaHuevos · 26/02/2016 22:05

I have only ever looked at a stranger and thought 'phwoar!' twice in my life.

The first one I ended up in a fairly long relationship with, the second was just passing by me in a sandwich shop at lunchtime, I never even spoke to him.

It takes more than just looks to create a spark for me. Dating would be about meeting men who I thought were ok looking, and then taking a couple of dates to see if a spark developed. I'm not suggesting dating people that you think are hideous.

TheBouquets · 26/02/2016 23:09

I had a "phwoar"moment many years ago. That was the one love of my life. I can hardly even summon up enthusiasm for favourite stars now. I don't know if I will ever experience that feeling again or even if I would want to. I have turned into a recluse.

BillBrysonsBeard · 27/02/2016 00:31

I rarely fancy anyone until I've spoken to them several times. I just don't feel instant attraction! When some women go on about how fit or hot someone is I don't get it. Well I do get it but don't feel anything!

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 27/02/2016 03:25

I'm the same. I think twice in my life I've had a bit of a thunderbolt moment where I was stopped in my tracks by a man's looks alone. Once when I was 16 and once about 2 years ago.

Other than that, looks have little to do with fancying for me. Unless someone is physically a turn off for me, and that often happens, I could come to fancy them if there is a connection there.

I wonder if men ever work in the same way.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 27/02/2016 03:31

BillBrysonsBeard I get that completely.

I ended up quite strongly attracted to a man last year. When I first met him I liked him, but I didn't find him attractive at all. Over the next few months we became closer and I realised I was very much attracted to him. Yet if I'd passed him in the street I doubt I'd have noticed him.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 27/02/2016 03:35

Oh and, unfortunately, when I was 16 he turned out to be a bit of an arrogant dick and the man a couple of years ago is married. We are now friends (I met him through mutual friends) and he has no idea (and never will). So it hasn't actually helped me in the pursuit of true love anyway! Grin

KeyboardMum · 27/02/2016 03:59

It doesn't really help that you're thinking about how many dates your ex has gone on... how is that supposed to help you move on?

Fuck dates.
Forget about them.
This is time for you.

How about taking up a new social activity instead - like spin classes, painting classes, group movie nights or dancing? Find something group-orientated that actually interests you, and do it! Whomever you meet along the way with the same shared interest is a bonus, right? ;)