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Original poster

He's apologised out of the blue

39 replies

Missingme1 · 24/02/2016 15:52

Was left by exdp last year.
I've worked hard to remain amicable and we get on well.
He treated me awful when he left, had fallen out of love and in love with a co worker. Lied. And just didn't care that he had cast his family aside.
It was more than falling out of love it was as if he hated me.

Anyway a year on, were settled new home new job and kids have regular contact with the dad.
He's still with her albeit still on the hush.
I'm really happy, I have a job I love and just really content and settled in life compared to where I was or have been.

My ex bought me a gift the other week nothing grand or expensive but the thought was there and it really just made me smile I could tell he was pleased to give it to me.

Well a few days later he had asked me if we should all go out for the day. We had a great day all together and it was nice that we can do this for the children.

The other evening I got an email, it was not huge just basically asking how the week is and how happy he is to see me happy again. How wonderfully confident I am and just that he is sorry for hurting me all those months ago etc.

It's the first time he's apologised.
I wonder if this is him regretting what he had done.

OP posts:
tribpot · 24/02/2016 15:55

Sorry but the cynic in me says this is a booty call - and he's now trying to do to the ex what he did with you, figuring you haven't got much time for dating as a single parent, so you might be game for some no-strings sex.

Let's face it, he's a cheater. And a nasty one at that. I would be extremely reticent and just say 'thanks' in response to his email and leave it at that.

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/02/2016 15:58

Take it as an apology, say thanks and move on. You are doing so much better without him and he wants a piece of that. Stay amicable but do not fall for this.

MoominPie22 · 24/02/2016 16:00

Just don't let him wheedle his way bk in mind. Call me cynical but maybe he's havin a rough patch with his bird or has realised the grass isn't actually greener. And then there's the fact ur happy and content without him. Shock, horror!Shock you evidently can function effectively and have a fulfilling life without him on the scene.
They do say the best form of revenge is just to be happy. And ur showing him that ur in a good place now.
That's my thoughts anyways but it could just be the musings of an old cynicSmileOK, less of the old....Hmm

TheNaze73 · 24/02/2016 16:00

I'm with tribpot sounds like he wants something or possibly the guilt has got to him

Pearlmum1 · 24/02/2016 16:03

As tribot said, please do not be charmed by him, he obviously lacks morals. He is effectively (possibly) trying to either win you back or get some no strings, so again being unfaithful now to the OW! He has just seen that you are happy, confident and fine without him and it's got his attention. You don't want to step backwards when you are getting on so well in life now! You have the last laugh and thank him politely and wish him luck with his life!

Isetan · 24/02/2016 16:07

Yeah he's probably softening you up for either no strings sex or angling for a return, either way, it's still all about him.

ravenmum · 24/02/2016 16:08

It could also just be him trying to get back in his old position as Mr Nice Guy and gloss over the dirty bits.

Branleuse · 24/02/2016 16:11

hes trying to get back in your pants. Be on your guard. He was horrid to you

inlectorecumbit · 24/02/2016 16:12

little old cynic mean wonders if he is getting you onside before he makes the big introduction of OW to the family. with a "look how well we are getting on now" sense of entitlement.
be very wary OP Flowers

inlectorecumbit · 24/02/2016 16:12

mean = me Blush

pickmeupputmedown · 24/02/2016 16:14

Agree with pp. Smile and say thank you but don't let him back in. He either wants you on the side or wants you back as its not working with OW. He is probably jealous of your happy life now and wants to be a part of it but he didn't give a fig about your happiness when he first left did he?

Buzzardbird · 24/02/2016 16:27

Obviously a vacancy has arisen for his mistress?

Lweji · 24/02/2016 16:27

So, it looks like he cheated on you with this other woman, and is inching his way to cheat on her with you.

Keep him at arms length. No gifts. No days out. No saying how your week is going.
As for family activities, they are only likely to confuse the children and possibly give them the idea that you are getting back together. He may end up using it to emotionally blackmail you.
So, be very, very, careful.

I'd accept his apologies, but make very clear that there is no going back or being more than polite to each other. At least until you are clear that he has no second intentions. For example, by openly dating the other woman.

For me there would be no going back.

goddessofsmallthings · 24/02/2016 16:28

He lis a clever little tosser, isn't he?, but his motivation is ckear to cynics like Moomin and realists such as myself.

He's seen the lovely life you've built for yourself and he wants a slice of it because he can't stand the thought of you being happy without him.

If you're fool enough to let him back into your heart and into your new home, it won't be long before there's a re-run of the same old and he'll be treating you with the same disdain he exhibited before.

Don't let him destroy what's taken you a lot of tears to build, or wreck your new found confidence just because he's good at spinning a well-worn line which will encompass his deep regret for the hurt he caused, biggest mistake he's ever made, has learned his lesson, you're the one he truly loves, will spend the rest of his life making it up to you, etc etc blah de fucking blah.

If one word of it is true he'll be happy to be a considerate and attentive LIVE OUT bf for the next 5 years so that you can properly assess the merits of a reunion, and any sign of him champing at the bit should cause you to tell him to back out of your life and find some other mug to practise his dubious charms on.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 24/02/2016 16:37

A genuine apology really helps smooth things down for a working relationship, but remember his actions when he wants something and you're in the way. He acted as if he hated you. Actions > words, every time.

Original poster
Missingme1 · 24/02/2016 16:58

Thanks all there has been plenty of oppurtunity for apology before.
We have remained cordial and amicable, he has a great relationship with the children that I wholeheartedly facilitate.
I guess something has been up for a while as it's not the first time he's wanted us all to do something together in the last few months.
Just the apology I had kind of stopped waiting for and it just shocked me that he had thought to.

I'm not sure it would be because he was going to go public with her, he has with friends just not interested in her meeting his family or the children. Plus I'm sure he wouldn't think twice about me if he was going to do that anyway.

OP posts:
Resilience16 · 25/02/2016 01:47

Hi Missing, well firstly well done to you for getting on with your life and doing so well in getting back on track.Great too that your kids get to see their dad on a regular basis too.
With regards to the apology I think you are right to be wary. I would have concerns about letting someone who has behaved that badly back into my life on any significant level.
I think it is interesting you say he hadn't gone public with the OW,after all this time, why is that do you think? Sounds to me like he us hedging his bets,and now trying to keep his hand in with you for if/when it goes tits up with her.
Don't risk your hard won and new found happiness. Accept the apology but then keep him at arms length. He doesn't need to know about your day or week. Plus playing happy families on days out, while a very seductive idea, can be very confusing for your kids. Particularly if it all blows up again.
Beware.

Joysmum · 25/02/2016 01:59

Obviously a vacancy has arisen for his mistress?

^that!

Original poster
Missingme1 · 25/02/2016 17:19

It all just seems a bit iffy with me that he has decided to be sorry now and notice what a changed person I am.

Sporadic contact every few days to see how my work is going and just more interest on us rather than himself.

I guess there is something up with him and his side of the fence and therefore he has been thinking about things etc

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 25/02/2016 17:31

He wants to keep his options open....

Oh and you have moved on, he's been left out

You're doing well for yourself and don't need him.

Be careful and be aware, that he may want to keep you sweet for a reason.

Fatrascals · 25/02/2016 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at request of author

Lweji · 25/02/2016 18:39

Do you reply to his texts?

Why not ask him why this sudden interest instead of engaging in chit chat?

amarmai · 25/02/2016 18:44

op, you say his relationship with the ow is on the hush-so she is married and he is not living with her? If that is the case then your lovely set up wd be much more congenial to a cocklodger wdn't it? Once bitten ,twice shy is a saying that speaks to this sit. Pleas remind yourself of the person he revealed himself to be when he thought he wdn't be needing you any more. Also unfair as this drop you ,pick you up and drop you again is to you , it is so much more unfair to cc. Your dcc know that they can depend on you and they know they cannot depend on him. Put them first and resist the false charms.

Original poster
Missingme1 · 25/02/2016 18:48

She left her husband at the same time.
They don't live together and she hasn't met the parents or our children.
It's been more than a year it's why I find his sudden apology unsettling rather than looking on it hoping he's about to knock my door down as I would of months ago.

Just seems like he has had enough time to enjoy her but is also have a glimpse of a happier more exciting me!

I didn't respond to his email as words will never make up for what he has done to me. No Matter how genuine.

OP posts:
OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 25/02/2016 19:38

Be polite, appreciate the apology and don't trust him. Keep him at arms' length and no more nice days out as a family.

if he's so besotted with the OW why is he taking an entire day away from her, btw, to be with you? what lies is he telling her? If you say you're taking a day away from your partner to be with your ex and kids only 12 months after leaving her - no, some lying is going on.

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