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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has told me he's thinking about leaving me!

32 replies

Tillytoes14 · 22/02/2016 11:25

Hi,
Me and my husband have been through some uphill struggles the past year, I won't go into it, but it has added lots of pressure to our marriage, along with three children and a demanding job (husbands). We haven't been getting on for a while, we tend to be ok, but then we go back to that point where we're both unhappy again. This weekend he said to me "When I leave you, you will have to do this on your own", during an argument, I asked him if he was planning on leaving me, he said "he doesn't know", we talked for some time and seemed to be ok, but it has left me in a place where I never expected to be, I'm worried and anxious, I have little family or friends where we live, so wouldn't have much support and as he is the one who earns the money, i would have no income if he was to leave, but as we have a mortgage, he would stay at the our home and carry on paying the mortgage, however, we would realistically have nowhere to go, I would also find it extremely difficult to get a job with a baby and two school age children as we have no family to help with childcare. I just feel a bit lost at the moment....

OP posts:

Quoteunquote · 22/02/2016 11:33

The key word is "thinking', when we are unhappy we think of all sorts of different exit straggles from our situation it's totally natural, try and think of it as a chance to open up communications, there will be all sorts of solutions you can attempt before you have to think about splitting.

Try to communicate that you hear how unhappy he is, and work out a strategy together to tackle it, and get any support you need to do it.

And try very hard to get some quality time off together, because you need time out to find each other again, because you obversely did like each other once. good luck.

Just keep focusing on the the things you can changed and try not to waste valuable energy on the things that cannot be changed.

Quoteunquote · 22/02/2016 11:35

exit strategies

kittybiscuits · 22/02/2016 11:41

He obviously isn't sure enough of his other relationship to take decisive action yet. I would give him a rocket up his arse by seeing a solicitor and asking him to move out.

TheNaze73 · 22/02/2016 11:57

For me, the thinking but is crucial here. If it's in his head, he's thought about it. I'd be planning your exit strategy as he's either emotionally blackmailing you or planning to do one

hellsbellsmelons · 22/02/2016 12:02

You would have an income.
You would be entitled to half of the house as a minimum.
Benefits, child support, amongst other things.
Have a chat with CAB and find out what you would be entitled to if he were to 'leave'
I would be finding out where I stand.
It's seriously cruel what he has said.
Is there any way you can get some love back?
Couples counselling?

Isetan · 22/02/2016 12:03

we talked for some time and seemed to be ok

Does 'OK' mean until you next argue or, whenever he feels the need to put the frighteners on. Whatever your relationship problems are, glossing over shit is clearly not effective. This is your marriage too and you have a say, are you really going to wait around to be dumped or worse still, being expected to jump through imaginary hoops prior to being dumped.

Let your current feelings be the catalyst to start an honest dialogue.

pablothepenguin · 22/02/2016 12:06

Not sure this is helpful but just to offer another prospective. I'm in a relationship which is at least a bit similar to yours. Except I'm the one who talked about "leaving"/separating. I tried to talk to DH about whether we needed to think about the impact of our bad times/arguments on your children and how we should perhaps consider at what point the relationship was no longer healthy for them (or us).

What I was hoping for was that the parts of us that have known each other years and years, have shared a life together, could have a sensible, albeit sad, conversation about where our relationship had ended up and where it was heading.

I haven't checked out of the relationship, I certainly didn't have anyone else, nor even thoughts of anyone else.

FetchezLaVache · 22/02/2016 12:12

I could be completely wrong, and I hope I am, but I would tend to interpret this along the same lines as kittybiscuits. I would imagine it's something he's been thinking about for a while, hence the words slipping out during your conversation.

You seem to think he'd be within his rights to just chuck you out of the marital home without a penny, but that's not the case- please take Hellsbells' advice about just seeing where you would stand. Then, from the relatively safe position of knowing you would be provided for, you can think more objectively about what YOU want. Please don't wait around for him to decide what happens to your marriage.

Slowdecrease · 22/02/2016 18:49

I think and its my direct experience also that as a whole:

Woman says she's thinking of leaving - she's thinking of leaving and is saying it to give the man a chance to repair it

Man says hes thinking of leaving - he's leaving and usually to another relationship or the promise of one.

IamlovedbyG · 22/02/2016 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PushingThru · 22/02/2016 19:23

That's a really spiteful way to deliver his thoughts. He's done it in the full knowledge that you'll be in a frantic death spiral about the practicalities, as he's honed in on the fact that's an insecurity of yours. Just nasty.

Hissy · 22/02/2016 19:53

Id tell him to stop thinking and start packing.

How dare he drop that bombshell, making it your problem.

Longdistance · 22/02/2016 20:00

I'd just like to add that the comment about you doing it all alone, does that mean he won't be having the dc at the weekends if he leaves?

I smell a rat 🐭

Lweji · 22/02/2016 20:09

Definitely get proper legal advice. You wouldn't end up as bad as you think you would.
You're the main carer for the children, so you could end up living in the house until they are old enough to leave. And he might have to pay you spousal maintenance in addition to child's maintenance, or reach a financial settlement where you could end up with more than 50% of the family's assets.
It doesn't matter who earns the money because you're married, but it does matter if you stopped working to take care of the children and you both agreed, and you have lost earnings and career potential.

Get copies of all financial documents: mortgage, income, savings. And take it all to the solicitor.

You may not end up acting up on it, but you should be prepared. And if he ever mentions leaving you again, then tell him to pack and get the process started.

You shouldn't feel like at hostage to his whims.

CPtart · 22/02/2016 20:32

Tell him that's fine. And when he's decided what he wants to do, you can both sit down and discuss which 3.5 days a week of having the children each suits you both best.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2016 20:45

If my H said this to me he would be gone the same day.

Don't wait around for anyone to decide if you are good enough to stay with

Original poster

Tillytoes14 · 22/02/2016 21:22

My husband would not throw us out, I wouldn't stay at the house we shared, purely because he earns the money and realistically I won't be able to afford a mortgage, he's a high earner, I was just thinking on terms of private rent and council, which I know is hard to get these days. It's not about the house to me and what I can get, we both bought a house, so we have something to pass onto our children and this is always something we have agreed, if we separated. He doesn't have anyone else in his life, I also trust him and know if he was not happy he would walk. After talking today he said it because things do need to change in our marriage, which they do, I think we will consider counselling, I also think I need counselling myself from childhood issues. I do love my husband and he is a devoted dad to our children too, but I feel we have lost each other because maybe we have allowed that to happen. I hope maybe counselling will help us to see if our marriage can be a happier one and we understand each other more. Thanks for all the responses!

OP posts:

choceclair123 · 22/02/2016 21:23

He's messing with your head, trying to scare you, he wants you to feel insecure. Please don't allow yourself to be manipulated like this. Get yourself some legal advice asap. If my DH said he was thinking of leaving me I'd open the door for him myself!

Lweji · 22/02/2016 21:25

Hmmm
He doesn't sound great if he's threatening you with caring solo for the children.

Was this after an argument about housework, by any chance?

Only1scoop · 22/02/2016 21:31

Stay put with your three DC you will be entitled to a share in the house. Hopefully he will go.

Ask him to. Don't wait around whilst he mulls it over.

0dfod · 22/02/2016 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EasyToEatTiger · 22/02/2016 21:48

My husband has decided he IS leaving! Bastard. But then he's always been one.

springydaffs · 22/02/2016 21:58

I'm not sure your listening to what pp's are saying about money /income.

Yes he's working outside the home and earning money for it but the law sees he is earning for both of you while you do the (unpaid) work at home. That is, should you split the law will ensure you and the children are adequately provided for. Bcs you are married, his money is your money. If you split the family assets are divided in half - he gets half, you get half (you may get more than half if you are the primary carer for the children. You may well get the house until the kids are 18). He will also be expected to pay you and the kids maintenance in line with his income.

This is what the law does automatically when a married couple split. You don't need to worry about money, or rent, or where you'll be living.

peaceoftheaction · 22/02/2016 22:01

When mine said this it was because he was in fact having an affair. sorry

pablothepenguin · 22/02/2016 22:02

I understand this must have been horrible for the OP but I don't understand why posters conclude her DH is being cruel or manipulative etc or deciding if she's good enough. Maybe he was just trying to face up to what is not working.

I hope you work things out OP.

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