Husband has told me he's thinking about leaving me!

[Tillytoes14]

Hi,
Me and my husband have been through some uphill struggles the past year, I won't go into it, but it has added lots of pressure to our marriage, along with three children and a demanding job (husbands). We haven't been getting on for a while, we tend to be ok, but then we go back to that point where we're both unhappy again. This weekend he said to me "When I leave you, you will have to do this on your own", during an argument, I asked him if he was planning on leaving me, he said "he doesn't know", we talked for some time and seemed to be ok, but it has left me in a place where I never expected to be, I'm worried and anxious, I have little family or friends where we live, so wouldn't have much support and as he is the one who earns the money, i would have no income if he was to leave, but as we have a mortgage, he would stay at the our home and carry on paying the mortgage, however, we would realistically have nowhere to go, I would also find it extremely difficult to get a job with a baby and two school age children as we have no family to help with childcare. I just feel a bit lost at the moment....

It's not his house, it's not his money, do you see?

Mine said it because he was having an affair too. It's part of the script.

I'm really sorry.

People assuming my husband is having an affair is awful, I'm sorry but just because my husband has said he's thinking of leaving due to us having a particularly bad year and huge amounts of pressure on our relationship (which I haven't gone into) doesn't mean he's having an affair, I do trust him, I have no reason not to trust him, or to suspect he's having an affair. People telling me to leave when we genuinely love each other and have three children together isn't just as simple as that, I will fight for my marriage by all means, whether we do that together or with professional help and if our marriage doesn't work after that, then I'm sure we will part ways mutually. He hasn't said either I will be the sole carer of our children, I have assumed that based on what I think would happen, based on a few factors. Yes I don't agree he said it the right way, but he has told me he's not happy and I'm glad he has told me, instead of just leaving, whether we can work through things, I don't know!

Two plans needed here
1 - counselling/marriage repair
2 - your independence and finances in case you separate
Dont move out of the house if he wants to leave. Get all your documents together - earnings savings etc. Start saving separately so you have an escape fund, in cash if need be. See a solicitor.
You will feel better doing 1 if you also do 2.

(I would also look on his phone and for a second phone - its a classic affair line)

The thing is, though, he said "when I leave you...." Not "if I left you, you'd have to...."

It sounds worrying to me. It's like he's trying the words out. So that you both get used to them. Used to the idea of the real likelihood of him leaving.

What have you said you'd do? Arrange relationship counselling? Is he prepared to do that? does he WANT to save the marriage?

You don't have to leave.

But you should certainly prepare for the possibility of him leaving you, or you having to leave him at some point.

I'm sorry I mentioned the affair word. I hope for your sake that it isn't true.

The thing I've learned is that you aren't responsible for his happiness - he has to find that himself. I've also learned that what you work at brings you happiness.

What is he doing to work on his own happiness?
What is he doing to make sure your marriage is a happy one?
Has he now just dumped responsibility for his happiness on you and now you are bending over backwards to fix it?