Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

knob size

73 replies

bobbaboona · 22/02/2016 00:49

first off I'm a bloke. Second I was sexually abused as a child. Third I've always been uncomfortable with trust and relationships as a result. Fourth I've always lacked self confidence. Fifth I've over eaten as a means of control and am overweight.
Like most blokes I've always been sensitive to the size of my manhood but the tape measure says I'm average (honest).
Problem is my partner constantly makes fun of its size, even to my step daughters (who are over 18). She knows it upsets me, knows my issues but says it's just a joke so get over it. I know this is probably right (although I don't agree that the step daughters should be involved) but it plays on my inner most worries.
It's really eating into my self confidence but whenever I raise it as an issue it's dismissed as a joke.
What should I do?

OP posts:
DustyMaiden · 22/02/2016 00:54

LTB

NewNameNotTheSame · 22/02/2016 00:55

The only thing that is a joke is your partner.

Get rid. I'm assuming she is picture perfect?

whitershadeofpale · 22/02/2016 00:57

Leave the nasty cow.

People do have different ways of bantering but if you've explained that you find it upsetting and she's continuing to belittle you then that is horrible and frankly abusive.

MyKingdomForBrie · 22/02/2016 00:58

Christ what a bitch! If she won't stop and cannot take you seriously then get rid.

TheOptimisticPessimist · 22/02/2016 00:58

Well she sounds like a charmer Hmm

It's not just a 'joke'. She's intentionally and repeatedly saying something she knows is upsetting and hurtful. You absolutely shouldn't be expected just to suck it up and put up with it.

How long have you been together?

DramaAlpaca · 22/02/2016 00:59

I don't normally comment on threads in relationships, but this is nasty abusive behaviour and I agree with the others.

Leave.

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit · 22/02/2016 00:59

Yes, LTB. She's undermining you for her own entertainment. You deserve better - everyone does.

4rugrats · 22/02/2016 01:04

I do think it's banter and I've probably made a rod for my own back by playing along for a long time. I went to therapy for the old stuff a couple of years back which is when I was able to confide in her but the banter continues.

4rugrats · 22/02/2016 01:09

Been together 10 years. Don't dismiss the first bit - I've never been able to really be myself in relationships because I find it hard to trust people so I know my partner's suffered with that by trying to second guess what I'm thinking and feeling. She's been very supportive and suggested therapy in the first place but doesn't seem to buy in to the results or change her own behaviour.

ijustwannadance · 22/02/2016 01:16

You lack trust in people.
You finally trust your DP enough to explain your past.
She then uses that as a weapon against you.
This is emotional abuse.
She is a bitch who is belittling you in front of others.

Leave and find someone who makes you feel able to be yourself completely.

WallToWallBastards · 22/02/2016 01:32

Absolutely vile behaviour, there's thousands of people out there who would love you unconditionally and not make you feel shit about yourself.

ridemesideways · 22/02/2016 01:32

It is emotional abuse when she continues to deliberately humiliate you. I assume you have serious face, ask her to stop, leave the room?

GoldfishCrackers · 22/02/2016 01:34

LTB

Blacksheep78 · 22/02/2016 01:41

A joke is something that is told once, laughed about, and then forgotten.

This woman in not somebody that has your best interests at heart, as she should if she was a loving, caring partner. Has she ever been with you to counselling? Will she if you ask? FWIW, if she won't, then I don't see why you would want to stay with her. There are plenty of women out there who will appreciate you.

How do you think she would like it if you countered her "banter" with some of your own - possibly suggesting that if she had a 'normal' sized ..... then you wouldn't seem so small. Oops did I say that out loud?

SoThatHappened · 22/02/2016 02:09

I was going to say the same blacksheep78.

Say the problem is not you, she has a bucket sized vagine.

Or make fun of her droopy tits, saggy arse or whatever.

SoThatHappened · 22/02/2016 02:09

Or just leave

MaryRobinson · 22/02/2016 03:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quodlibet · 22/02/2016 04:06

This is horrible behaviour.
My partner has a similar sensitivity (he has no need to, but as you say it's a common male insecurity) and the thought of using that as a weapon to belittle him makes me feel sick. It's such a horrible thing to do.

She's not right, you don't need to 'probably just get over it'. She's using your insecurity as a means of indirectly getting power over you which is not the action of a loving person.

CanadianJohn · 22/02/2016 05:17

I never thought I'd say this, but LTB

NinjaLeprechaun · 22/02/2016 05:55

"She's been very supportive and suggested therapy in the first place but doesn't seem to buy in to the results or change her own behaviour."
Yes, I've been on the end of a similar "you should get therapy - " suggestion. It's very subtle abusive behaviour, but it's abusive nonetheless.
What they don't tell you is that the rest of the sentence either goes " - to make my life easier, because I don't want to deal with your problems." or "- because there's obviously something wrong with you for thinking that I'm not right all the time."

HelpfulChap · 22/02/2016 06:09

Mate, I'm a confident fella but constant remarks like that would steadily erode your self-esteem. If it is a private or in joke between you and the Mrs which you both find funny then all well and good but if she knows it upsets you she should cease and desist. Doing in front of your stepdaughters is unacceptable.

I would tell her in no uncertain terms.

VashtaNerada · 22/02/2016 06:21

You need to find a quiet moment to tell her you're not finding it funny. If she apologises, is mortified, and never does it again your relationship might have a future. If she continues, then I think you have a problem.

Intheprocess · 22/02/2016 07:16

She's using this technique to mask her own insecurities. What sort of person deliberately inspires insecurity in others as a way of dealing with their own problems? Not one I'd want to be with. Is this the only way she makes you feel like your failing?

tingon · 22/02/2016 08:14

The name change is confusing.

Branleuse · 22/02/2016 08:22

she is a cunt