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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dont know what to make of this.

44 replies

gaggiagirl · 17/02/2016 14:16

I have 2DC. DD is from a previous relationship. She has expressed a desire to have the same surname as her baby brother and therefore DP. She has very limited contact with her Dad.
Anyway DP and me aren't married, so I don't have that surname either.
This issue is this.
I told DP DD's wishes. Then said "but by the time you marry me, so I can have your surname, she will probably be grown up and moved out" this was said in a lighthearted tone. His reply was "gaggia, the more you keep going on about this marriage thing, the more I'm going to dig my heels in and not do it"
I hadn't realised i bang on about it. Maybe I do. I hadn't realised he was digging his heels in. I dont know what answers I want really. I just feel sad.
DD is 5 and DS is 5m if its relevant.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 17/02/2016 14:20

There is a bad dynamic going on here. He sees you as pushing him into marriage and you feel unable to talk to him about it so make passive aggressive remarks.

You need to have a serious conversation about it. Decide once and for all what's happening about getting married and stop getting annoyed at each other about it.

Imnotaslimjim · 17/02/2016 14:20

What an odd thing to say!!! I'd be a little confused too tbh. Has he expressed an interest in marriage, or proposed?

TheNaze73 · 17/02/2016 14:25

I can see how he feels manipulated here. You're probably not the culprit here, may have been in the past but, a lot of women pull this Jedi mind trick & it never works

Twitterqueen · 17/02/2016 14:26

It's a power thing I think. My ex boss once boasted about how he kept his (now) wife hanging on for 6 years before he finally agreed to get married.

Personally I don't understand this - I think it's horrible. If you have children then from a legal perspective - aside from anything else - I do think it's really important to be married to safeguard your interests and your children's.

Now I'm divorced I would never get married again - but I'm well past child-bearing age! And also financially independent.

I think he's being an arse. If you want to get married you need to sit him down and talk about honestly.

Original poster
gaggiagirl · 17/02/2016 14:26

I think you're right sparrow.
He's never proposed. The only interested he's shown in marriage is when we were first dating he said he wanted marriage, children a home of his own and to be a family.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 17/02/2016 14:27

And what do you want gaggia?

Original poster
gaggiagirl · 17/02/2016 14:30

Maybe I do bang on about it. Poor bugger. I'm not desperate for a wedding but I think legally and since we have a family it might be a nice thing to do.
I'm happy to let him off the hook and not be married though.

OP posts:
Move2WY · 17/02/2016 14:31

Personally, I would give both DD and DS your surname and when / if dp decides to get married then change them x

3WiseWomen · 17/02/2016 14:36

I would look very carefully at all the legal side of not being married. Think wills, what would happen in case of a separation etc etc (that's owning half the house bit also ability to have savings and so on).

I think it's ok not to want to be married. It's foolish not to protect yourself and your dc.

Having g said all that, I found the comment surprising unless you have really been going on and on about marriage.
If he said he wanted to get married when you started and then never said actually he doesn't want to, then I think there is an issue.
1- because after all marriage might something really important to you and he has in some ways deceived you.
2- because if he doesn't let you know where he stands, then you can't know, stop talking about it or organise anything else such as wills etc.

Diamogs · 17/02/2016 14:37

I agree with Twitterqueen.

I never understand why women allow marriage to be a decision made by the man. It should be a joint decision.

FrancisdeSales · 17/02/2016 14:41

How anyone can think getting married is more of a commitment than having a child is beyond me.

Original poster
gaggiagirl · 17/02/2016 14:45

If we were to get married it would actually be better for him, I think because I own the house. I paid for all its renovations. I earn more than he does. So if anything were to happen I think he would be left with nothing or would I write a will or something?.
move I quite like that idea of the children having my surname. I was just so touched that DD wanted to be like DP and her brother.

OP posts:
FrancisdeSales · 17/02/2016 14:49

Well gaggia just make sure you keep your financial independence.

WilLiAmHerschel · 17/02/2016 14:50

Marriage should not be something a man hangs over a woman. It should happen when both parties decide. You need to talk to him openly and honestly and say you want to get married for XY reasons, does he want to get married to you? If yes, let's book it, if no fuck off. Yes in five years time, or maybe, I need to have a think will not cut it.

Give the children your surname or double barrel both. Be happy.

Original poster
gaggiagirl · 17/02/2016 15:44

He knows I want to get married and I've told him my reasons. Maybe he just saw that as more banging on about it. Sad
This thread has definitely straightened my thoughts anyway. I dont want to manipulate him into it. He knows what I want and why and my harping on about it is putting him off. The kids can have my surname and we will be a little family of matching surnames!

OP posts:
Twitterqueen · 17/02/2016 15:59

If you're happy not to be married that's fine. But you're clearly in the minority on the finance side of things.

I know too many women who have not been married and have lost out BIG TIME when the relationship broke up.

And I'm not advocating money-grabbing here BTW. When you're married and get divorced, the finances are generally split pretty equally - including pensions - to ensure the children's lifestyles are maintained. If you're not married, as a single woman you're entitled to sweet FA. So if for example, you've been a SAHM paying no NI and not putting into a pension scheme whilst your partner is doing this big time (as mine was), you WILL lose out.

BoyGirlBoy3 · 17/02/2016 16:03

Change your, and your 2 DC to your maiden name, so that all the people in your house who want to have the same name do!

Goingtobeawesome · 17/02/2016 16:03

By the time you marry me - sounds like he wants to marry you and you're the one saying no. Makes me think he said it that way on purpose to mess with your head. Giving his baby your surname is super. Though if he's five months what was he registered as?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/02/2016 16:10

Good grief don't marry him.
You hold all the cards here.
Everything is yours.
Don't take that away from your DC by having to give half to this guy.
Definitely give them both your surname and don't worry about his anymore.
And tell him actually you now don't want to marry him as you and DC would be far worse off financially so you've changed your mind.

Sparkletastic · 17/02/2016 16:10

No that's what OP said.

Sparkletastic · 17/02/2016 16:11

And yes yes yes to what hellsbells said!

BoyGirlBoy3 · 17/02/2016 16:17

its valid to feel sad, you feel sad because if things were better he would be asking to marry you. Concentrate on yourself, and your 2 children, they are lovely ages, you don't get this time again, don't waste it waiting for someone who isn't sure.

springydaffs · 17/02/2016 16:21

Jedi mind trick?!?

What's Jedi mind trick about wanting to get married.

No no. The man is not the prize here. Fucksake!

I would find his attitude very off-putting iiwy op.

Original poster
gaggiagirl · 17/02/2016 16:35

hellsbells I like your way of thinking. You are right I do hold all the cards.
twitter I realise how lucky I am to own the home and whatnot and like you I've been left with absolutely nothing after 8 years with DDs dad because we were never married. It was an awful time and I think that is what has made me so determined to save every penny to be able to put a permanent roof over our heads with my name on the mortgage. DP had nothing financial to contribute at the time so I was more than happy to buy alone. I'm lucky in that I feel secure now.
DS is registered in dps surname going but I would like to change that after the advice on this thread.

OP posts:
LastInTheQueue · 17/02/2016 16:53

*FrancisdeSales Wed 17-Feb-16 14:41:07

How anyone can think getting married is more of a commitment than having a child is beyond me.*

This! Oh, by Jove, this!

TheNaze73 Jedi mind trick? did you reply to the wrong post?

Personally, I'd keep my maiden name and make sure my children also had my maiden name also. A little family of three.