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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How long did it take for him to tell you he loves you?

36 replies

Smiler3 · 14/02/2016 18:44

Just had a lovely 24 hours with the man I have been seeing for nearly 5 months. He is lovely, affectionate, frequently tells me that he loves being with me etc but hasn't actually said 'I love you'. Actually, he may have done so once, very softly when we were in bed, but I couldn't be sure. Either way, he hasn't said it again, or at all.

We only see each other at weekends due to distance but are in regular contact through the week. Honestly, the way he looks at me, holds me, smiles at me, plans things with em, make me think he really cares about me but those missing words are now getting in the way.

I love him, I'm sure of that now and feel ready to burst when I don't feel I can tell him. I'm just so scared of saying it first in case he doesn't feel the same and it spoils things.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 14/02/2016 18:48

If it spoils things, it's not worth keeping hold of.
If it's a good relationship, either of you should be able to say it, and cope whether the other is ready to say it back or not.
Be true to yourself and your own feelings. If you feel it, say it.

Original poster

Smiler3 · 14/02/2016 18:53

Thanks cabrinha. I'm just not sure I could cope with the disappointment if he didn't say it back.

OP posts:

TooAswellAlso · 14/02/2016 18:54

I told my DP three months in, whilst a bit drunk.

Actually I didn't tell him. I drunkenly sat down at the bottom of a lamppost on the walk home like a gnome and said it.

He still teases me now.

He has been married twice. Both times he's been hurt. In his own words he had a concrete heart.

I told him I didn't need him to say it back, but I needed to be honest.

Took him a few more weeks. But then later he confessed he'd loved me since eight or ten weeks in, he'd just been too scared to admit it.

It didn't ruin my relationship, me being honest. Was a gamble, but I had to be honest. I was glad he was honest back about not being ready to say it out loud.

I still say it more than him. I still remember the first time he told me (I'd made him laugh and he said it) and each time (like he did the same today 2.5 years on) still makes me smile

Original poster

Smiler3 · 14/02/2016 19:35

Thanks Too. I guess I feel about 70% confident that he'd say it back. It's just that he's said to me before he is quite cautious and the only thing worse than him not saying it would be feeling that he said it without really meaning it.

OP posts:

TooAswellAlso · 14/02/2016 20:20

That was my feeling too - I half wanted him to say it, half didn't want it as a half hearted reply to appease me.

But 2.5 years on, I'm still glad I got drunk and sat on the floor

Slowdecrease · 14/02/2016 20:35

He probably hasn't said it for exactly the same reason you haven't said it…but if he freely says he loves spending time with you without you prompting it then be aware he is throwing the L bomb into the sentence for a reason - he wants to say it!! Don't let it drag on and get too weighty - just say it , if its right then it will in no way spoil anything and he will 9.99% say it right back.

MeganChips · 14/02/2016 20:40

3rd date! We had known each other a while before getting together though.

Ticktacktock · 14/02/2016 20:44

God I remember this. 28 years ago. We met in March and I plucked up the courage to say it at xmas. So 9 months! He did say it right back though. Go on, good luck!

Original poster

Smiler3 · 14/02/2016 20:48

Slowdecrease - that's what I have been hoping. He uses the 'L' word in other ways a lot without prompting - he loves spending time with me, loves how I make him feel, loves seeing me smile. It melts me every time and I just want to say ' I love you' in response.

Too - if all else fails, I will definitely consider getting drunk and sitting on the floor!

Oh, 3rd date - I'm currently hoping it happens within 6 months 😄

OP posts:

WTAFF · 14/02/2016 20:51

I'm two and a bit years in and he still hasn't said it. I've said it to him and he just stayed silent.

TooAswellAlso · 14/02/2016 20:54

Smiler, it did mean I could pretend it was all the drink the next day of course if I felt the need! He took a photo of me on the floor under the tree, he had a soft spot for me even then. And I made an impression.

Wtaf, have you spoken to him? That would be a deal breaker for me, after a marriage never hearing it.

stressedcoversupervisor · 14/02/2016 20:57

I think it was around 6-8 weeks but then we've been friends for years before getting together. Maybe he's worried about saying it for the same reasons as you, I know DP and I would've said it sooner if it wasn't for that fear. I think you should say it if you feel ready and if he doesn't say it back yet that's okay :)

Original poster

Smiler3 · 14/02/2016 20:57

WTAF - do you feel that he loves you through his actions? I think some people might have difficulties with the words for all sorts of reasons but show it in other ways? I would struggle if I never heard it though.

Ticktacktock - what a lovely story. I can see me getting to 9 months and cracking too 😄

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Slowdecrease · 14/02/2016 21:02

That's what my DP did too…. even down to the loving my smile and the way I laugh etc etc. Corny but lovely…. he loved this and he loved that…so eventually about 10 weeks in I think, when he was telling me how much he loved being with me I just blurted out "I love you" and he immediately said he loved me too. Later on he thanked me for doing it as, in his own words he was "too chicken shit" to say it first. He needed the reassurance of me saying it. We've been together just short of a year and a half now and there are lots and lots of I love you's daily - its lovely

WTAFF · 14/02/2016 21:04

Smiler and Too - he says he doesn't know if he loves me.

He does have major commitment issues though. I'm Increasingly thinking we don't have a future.

TooAswellAlso · 14/02/2016 21:11

After 2.5 years he doesn't know? I'd be afraid of being harsh, but it sounds like he's just waiting for something better to come along? You're surely worth more than that?

Original poster

Smiler3 · 14/02/2016 21:15

Slowdecrease - that sounds so similar. I suspect he is scared too as he is quite a steady type - not the dashing, sweep you off your feet type (which is what I wanted after previous bad experiences). I can see me blurting it out too at some point.

WTAFF, what a difficult situation. I hope things improve for you.

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slkk · 14/02/2016 21:20

When I first said it, dh said 'thank you'. yikes! Not sure when he finally fully gave in to my allure....

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 21:39

We told each other pretty early on matter of weeks it just felt natural on both sides. About two weeks in he sort of said love ya but in a jokey sort of way freaked me out a bit. Couple weeks after that he told me he was falling in love ans by that point i felt same. Next time we met we actually did say it properly and weve never looked back

SilverHoney · 14/02/2016 21:50

Ages! I think nearly a year? And that was only because I started complaining about whether we were serious or not. His friend had just dumped a girlfriend for the 'other woman'. I was basically letting him know I wasn't gonna wait around for that to happen.

Not my style at all, I'm usually pretty laid back. I must have been having a bad day!

blueshoes · 14/02/2016 22:51

My dh only says it very occasionally when we are having sex. I know he means it because he says it so few times. I do say it right back but I never say it otherwise.

I think saying it cheapens its currency. Actions speak louder than words.

Rockytoptennessee · 14/02/2016 22:56

After a few weeks! We've been very happily together 11 years now.

HeddaGarbled · 14/02/2016 23:18

I honestly don't think you can be sure it's proper love after less than 5 months. It's that rush of desire and novelty and excitement and emotional connection which is standard in a good new relationship. I'm not denigrating that, it's lovely and amazing.

Those posters who "knew" after 24 hours, 11 weeks etc etc were just lucky it worked out long term. More frequently, that initial feeling gets eroded in time once the novelty wears off and you start noticing the things that piss you off. Otherwise, we'd all be married to our first "loves" and divorce would be a rarity.

Chill. Wait. Enjoy. Those words mean nothing at 4 and a half months. If you hear them at 1 year, 2 years, 25 years, then they'll mean something.

Millliii · 14/02/2016 23:20

I have to disagree blueshoes. Saying it doesn't cheapen its currency. If you love someone you just cant help saying it. You never know what tomorrow brings so say it while you can.

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 23:29

I know lust and all the excitement of a new relationship can sometimes be mistaken for love. But in my case we both felt it early on and apart from a few months apart at one point we have spent nearly 10 happy years together. I am still very much in love with him and im pretty sure he feels same.

I knew from the first time i met him there was something special about him and he says the same about me wether it was love at first sight i really dont know

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