How long did it take for him to tell you he loves you?

[Smiler3]

Just had a lovely 24 hours with the man I have been seeing for nearly 5 months. He is lovely, affectionate, frequently tells me that he loves being with me etc but hasn't actually said 'I love you'. Actually, he may have done so once, very softly when we were in bed, but I couldn't be sure. Either way, he hasn't said it again, or at all.

We only see each other at weekends due to distance but are in regular contact through the week. Honestly, the way he looks at me, holds me, smiles at me, plans things with em, make me think he really cares about me but those missing words are now getting in the way.

I love him, I'm sure of that now and feel ready to burst when I don't feel I can tell him. I'm just so scared of saying it first in case he doesn't feel the same and it spoils things.

I disagree blue shoes as well,

Your partner only ever says it during sex? So he only loves you when he is shagging you, and not in every day life? My partner makes a point of not saying it right at the moment he ejaculates - he says it's fairly meaningless then and whilst ejaculating he could love anything the feeling he gets!

It took him 18 months! I was starting to think he didn't. Turns out he thought I just knew. Anyway, ten years on we are happily married and he says it all the time.

I thought that too TooAswell. Saying I love you when having sex can be pretty meaningless unless you say it at other times too.

I think if the actions match the words then the frequency is irrelevant. If someone tells you they love you a thousand times a week whilst treating you terribly then yes, it's probably just empty but if they treat you lovingly and say it a thousand times a week (not literally obviously that would be weird) then from experience I can say it feels very very nice and not cheapened at all .

Thank you all for commenting. If there is one thing this thread has shown me it is how different everyone is. We also tend to assume that men are all naturally given to taking the lead in these things, which isn't the case is it? I agree though, that in most cases (unless you've know each other before), saying it very early is probably driven by the list/infatuation phase early in a relationship. In some cases that will deepen, in some it won't.

I know there were points in the first couple of months where I thought I loved him, but now, I know what I feel is a lot deeper and 'certain' some how. It now just feels like those unsaid words hang in the air between us sometimes and I wish that he'd just say it first. However, I suspect he will dither about this for some time so I might just have to go for it.

Smiler, go for it. What's the worst that can happen? He's not quite there yet? Well, that's no reason to not be honest about how you feel. You are allowed to love at different paces and intensities - he should be flattered and happy you say it, as long as you don't sit with an expectational face waiting for the words immediately back

Hmm, I think I might need to practise my 'non expectational' expression 😄

i think it took mine about a year! felt like forever at the time.
15 years on we tell each other every single day. We also tell our children every single day. I think there is very little as important as your children knowing an feeling they are loved (especially if you have to give out a lot!)

I also disagree that it cheapens it! I love hearing it

I suspect both dh and I think the same - saying the "I love you" words cheapens and devalues it and hence we rarely say it. I find it slightly manipulative for someone to say it to me because it is almost angling for a similar reply and I don't like to be baited.

Thankfully, other posters are married to different people. It suits dh and I.

Any relationship has ups and downs. What happens during a down turn. Do people say those 3 words less? It seems silly to have such a barometer of love when actions to me is the test, not meaningless words. Again, I speak for myself.

I agree that actions speak louder than words but nevertheless they are important words. DP and I danced around the issue for several weeks. Lots of phrases intimating that we loved each other (love how we are together, love it when you smile etc) but neither of us plucking up the courage to be the first to say it. We were long distance for the first few months and I had had a crappy day and was offloading on him...he was so supportive and awesome that I just couldn't help myself and told him that I loved him. Straight away he replied saying he loved me too and had been waiting for me to say it first. I had been pretty sure he did from his actions but was still a big leap. This was about 5 months in. On a day to day basis, we are not an emotional couple but at some point every day he does something which demonstrates that he loves me.