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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

step son and his mum advice please

50 replies

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 11:40

Hi. Im after a bit of a rant/ advice. My step son is 9 and i have been with his dad since before he was born as husband and mum split not long after he was concieved. We have 3 children of our own and we have step son every 2nd weekend.

We have had various issues over the years but generally there has been a decent relationship between us all. In the holidays i always offer to have him for a bit if we are going on days out etc as he doesnt seem to get out much this has always worked well.

Suddenly he has told my husband that he doesnt feel part of the family, husbands mum had him last night for a sleep over and hes told her his mum has told him we dont love him as much as we love his other kids. His mum has apparently the told grandma this morning that hes playing up really bad and hes picking on his younger siblings at her home and that shes at tbe end of her teather with him. Hes good as gold for us and 2 of my children are special needs and he is fab with them. I dont know what is going on but me and husband are really upset/confused.

Has anyone any experience i anything similar?

OP posts:

summerainbow · 14/02/2016 11:42

Have him to live you for bit.?

Debbrianabottomburp · 14/02/2016 11:48

Would you be willing to have him full time if the mum says yes he can live with you ?

Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 11:49

I dont know if his mum would be up for that. And it would be a bit hard for school as we are at opposite ends of town

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Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 11:50

As i said in my post i do tend to have him alot in holidays as my husband works full time so its just me and kids he is so great with the kids they idolise him

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Hissy · 14/02/2016 12:09

I think you and your h need to have a proper conversation with him, and spend some time just with him.

Ask him if he knows what he wants and also why he appears to be unhappy at his mother's

Any mother who actually said that shit to her own son is a complete bitch, so it may be that there is a whole lot more going on.

OurBlanche · 14/02/2016 12:14

Could you have a chat with his mum and offer her some support?

If she is at the end of her tether with his behaviour and she has started to talk to him like that then she is obviously finding him hard work, no matter how he behaves in your home. If you can find a way of doing it that she can accept, you could save him years of heartache.

I know the temptation to judge her will be huge, but that won't help him. Setting aside your personal judgement of her possible behaviour and doing what is best for him would be a much better outcome for everyone.

Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 12:20

We have only just found out whats been said a couple hours ago. So not had chance.

My mother in law as said husband needs to talk to him and check mother has actually said that. She can be a bitch and bit of a split personality but she seems to have mellowed a bit since having her other children. A few years ago i could of see her saying that.

I dont know why he wouldnt feel part of family he shares room with my son and he has his half of the room decorated like he wanted and his own belongings here that the others cant touch when hes not here. We take him on holiday when we go and do all sorts with him

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Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 12:24

I am going to txt her later and see if she would like to stay for holidays it makes no odds to me really as i say hes good as gold and he will be company for my autistic son

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Griphook · 14/02/2016 13:44

The think is you say he's as good a gold round yours, but you only see him every other weekend. So it could be that he's on his best behaviour when he's at yours. Maybe it doesn't feel like home and he feels like a visitor. ( I'm not sure how you get round that)
I think the best course of action would be to have him for the half term and try to chat with him,

Debbrianabottomburp · 14/02/2016 15:01

Best thing to do is ask him and find out how he feels. I don't know why it's coming across as someone with two homes he does not feet in both. If he does prefer to live with you, what would do ? He may say that he does not mind changing school and so on. Be prepared because that might be what he wants.

Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 16:36

Thanks ladies. Yes i know he may be on his best behaviour for us kids are always different with other people.

Well husband has gone to go collect him shes agreed for him to stay till weds then we have him back fri-sun anyway.

Hes gonna have a talk to him on way back whilst alone aee whats happening.

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Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 21:28

So after chatting to step sin it seems he feels unloved by everyone :( .

He said he likes it here but we are too busy with the younger ones. And at his mums he feels same and he said his step dad is mean to everyone all time.

Feeling pretty gutted for him. Where do we go from here?

OP posts:

Griphook · 14/02/2016 21:43

Does his dad spend anytime one to one with him, maybe a day out over half term might help

Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 21:48

No not really something that i do think needs to be addressed. Unfortunately he has no holidays left for this year

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RandomMess · 14/02/2016 21:52

Oh dear it sounds very sadly that step-Dad is the big issue then.

Yes to special one on one time with his Dad, getting to do stuff with him because he is older even if it's just a trip to the local coffee shop for hot chocolate etc.

coolaschmoola · 14/02/2016 21:56

Could he spend a weekend day with him doing something? Some 1-1 time would really help when he's surrounded by younger siblings at both homes.

Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 22:03

I think it would be nice, I have told him before but chances are my son would want to tag along aswell he is really clingy with his dad ( hes 7 and autistic) he gets incredibly jealous of his sisters as it is. The 3 of them often do things together but i know it would be more beneficial for it to just be daddy and son

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Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 22:07

Im not going to judge step dad just yet and told husband same easier said than done eh

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Lovelilies2 · 14/02/2016 22:11

No advice but wanted to say you sound like a lovely step mum

SmallBee · 14/02/2016 22:11

Is there any way you could distract your son with an exciting activity for the day and make it seem like whatever his Dad and brother are doing is incredibly dull?

Cabrinha · 14/02/2016 22:12

Poor kid. Does he want to live with his dad now then?
Of course he doesn't feel a full part of your family - doesn't matter about decorating his half of the room - he doesn't live with you, of course he'll feel pushed out.
If this is a serious issue not a transient gripe, then your husband should look at using parental leave or simply asking for unpaid leave for a day. Anyway presumably he's not working 7 days, so he could take his eldest out 1:1 on his days off.

Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 22:21

Loveliliys. Thanks it does mean alot when a stranger says that. I do try my best with him its not always been easy but i am proud to call him my step son. I love him to bits

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Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 22:25

Small bee im certainly going to try.

Unpaid leave is not an option as easy as it sounds.

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RandomMess · 14/02/2016 22:27

Does your DSS go to bed later than your DS1? Would that create an opportunity for special one on one time?

Original poster

ddeemummy · 14/02/2016 22:35

No my son is a really bad sleeper so thats out of window. Both boys and husband have been playing on xbox step son fell straight asleep after and my sons wide awake

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