step son and his mum advice please

[ddeemummy]

Hi. Im after a bit of a rant/ advice. My step son is 9 and i have been with his dad since before he was born as husband and mum split not long after he was concieved. We have 3 children of our own and we have step son every 2nd weekend.

We have had various issues over the years but generally there has been a decent relationship between us all. In the holidays i always offer to have him for a bit if we are going on days out etc as he doesnt seem to get out much this has always worked well.

Suddenly he has told my husband that he doesnt feel part of the family, husbands mum had him last night for a sleep over and hes told her his mum has told him we dont love him as much as we love his other kids. His mum has apparently the told grandma this morning that hes playing up really bad and hes picking on his younger siblings at her home and that shes at tbe end of her teather with him. Hes good as gold for us and 2 of my children are special needs and he is fab with them. I dont know what is going on but me and husband are really upset/confused.

Has anyone any experience i anything similar?

Oh dear, poor little chap.

I can see how it isn't deliberate on anyone's part just unfortunate circumstances. Both his parents have new younger families so he's been expected to be the big responsible older brother while also being the only one who gets shuffled from one house to another. No wonder he feels sidelined.

I think both families need to think carefully about how to give him some extra attention and one-on-one time with his birth parents.

Your son having autism is an extra complication because of the way that families have to arrange themselves around the child with special needs.

Could your H take your step son out somewhere, just the two of them, at weekends or week nights? Whatever, your H needs to be telling him how much he is loved and valued and to repeat this frequently. I'm sure he already has and this is just an oversight as a result of complicated circumstances for you all.

Can your dh not do something 1-1 with him on his weekend? I can see where he's coming from, he had 2 families, and he must feel left out of both...
Have you asked him if he had any ideas about how he can feel more part of the family? There might be something he's hinting at but doesn't want to say

It is hard because my 5 year old daughter has delayed development and is also constantly gettig ill we think shes also on the spectrum.

I like to think i have a good relationship with him so i will be chatting to him about any ideas he may have and how we can all help as a family.

I guess this should of been done a long time ago but as its only just come to light how he feels feel bad weve never picked up on anything.

I think he knows deep down hes part of the family i know material things dont matter butwe honestly never leave him out of anything always invite him places and holidays etc.

I was was him.

I felt like I fell down the cracks of two busy families. Everything was 'OK' but nothing felt mine. I had my own room but there wasn't one picture up of me.

If I could go back in time and wave a magic wand :-

My dad would really pull his weight with me, he would spend real 1-2-1 time find out what I liked, if I had any problems, what did I want to do after school ect..

He would tell me that I actually really mattered to him and loved me.

I would be involved in outings and asked where I wanted to go rather than a tag on.

My SM let me see I wasn't a 'pain in the arse' and she enjoyed my company

Proper real supported bonding with my db was encouraged.

I don't have a great bond with my df now even though he was there I never really felt he was there

I watch my Dh shower my dd is love and it sometimes makes me feel sorry for the little me that should have had that of my dad.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts
I had very little contact with my dad so i totally understand. And my husbands dad passed away at a young age so i guess that should make him more determined. Not that im saying hes not a good dad because hes fab but i do think he needs to remember that his eldest may need a bit more attention.

I am going to ask him where he wants to go this week rather than me decide. Its juat hard as i habe be careful where to take my 2 with sn.

thought it might be becasue he has been "replaced" by/ "usurped" by/ "lost amongst" younger siblings who are with their parents full timewhile he does not really "belong" in one house or another.

he needs some privaledges of being the oldest. your h could spend time with him after work.

you could offer him a choice of two or three places that would be ok for you disabled children.

I know what you mean.

Bless him hes been awake since 6.30 playing with his sisters.

Ive managed to have a word with my husband before he left for work about maybe taking him out for tea or something tonight after work. He said ask him if he fancys it and find out where he wants go.

His response has actually made me realise he doesnt know his son very well at all. I know straight away where he will say as hes asked me more than once when weve been out and about with the others and that is pizza hut!

I dont want to bad mouth him as i really dont think hes doing it on purpous but he knows our children so much better, I feel kind of upset even more for step son. Things are going to have to change

It sounds as if your DH has never really learned to be a father to his eldest due to the fact that he was never a full-time part of his life, and that now his relationship is different with the child who only spends every other weekend there as opposed to his other children whose lives he has always been a full-time part of and who, due to their additional needs need different support as well.

I imagine it's a very easy situation to fall into especially given this has always been the arrangement so no-one has ever known any different, and as such your DSS has always been assumed to be happy/well behaved etc, but as time has gone on he has started to realise that his situation is different from the norm, possibly due to the fact his friends all live full-time with their parents etc.

Nobody has done anything wrong here, it's just one of those situations which we don't always foresee until it is upon you.

I agree that your dh needs to spend more one on one time with his DS, and also that he needs to get to know him better. Do you have contact with him in between contact weekends? If not could your DH get him a mobile phone or similar so they could call/text etc? He's still quite young but is getting to the age now where a cheap mobile, or even an iPod touch if you are Apple users and could use iMessage, FaceTime etc might be a good idea to sustain that relationship and contact between times.

I would also ask him what he wants. Does he still only want to come to you every other weekend or would he prefer to live there more? If his mum is struggling would she be open to this? Again it's a difficult balance to strike, because suggesting a child live more with one parent brings about the suggestion that the other parent is doing something wrong, when actually it may just be about what the child feels would be best for them.

Do keep in mind here that nothing is broken and now you know what the issues are you can work on them. The fact that DSS was prepared to open up to his dad is testament to the fact that he does still feel he can. Something which many children struggle with - even ones who live with their parents full-time. :-).

I think it's really sad that it's you saying you'll speak to your SS.

No, it should be his dad.

OK, children with SN makes life harder, but you husband needs to recognise that his oldest son has a special need too - he is in a different situation to all his other siblings on both sides who have one full time family.

It's a cop out about no unpaid leave. He gets normal days off - he should use those.

I agree about asking the boy what he wants, but I'd be a bit careful of how much I put that onto him. He's 9, he shouldn't feel it's up to him to propose a better contact schedule, or how to improve his involvement in the family. He's a child and that shouldn't be all on his shoulders. Delicate balance between listening to him and making it his problem to fix!

I imagine though that the dynamic where a SM has been in a child's life since birth is most likely very different to one where the parents have split up later down the line, and that the OP has just always been a part of this child's life to the same extent as his dad.

Plenty of people grow up with stepdads for instance who raise them as their own, it sounds as if the OP has done the same here and that she makes very little differentiation between her SS and her own children. IMO there need to be more stepmums who follow that ideal. .

ddeemummy

The only thing I have to say having read your thread is you sound like a saint and this wee lad is VERY lucky to have you as his step mum.

Doffs cap.

Try to avoid seeing this as a problem you can fix, as that causes instability which only exacerbates the problem.

There is clearly a difficulty in his home life which is leading to difficult behaviour. The fact that he does not exhibit that behaviour with you is, I suspect, because when with you he feels safe, has stability and is happy.

At age 9 you could also consider that it is possible he may be in early puberty now, which would add an explanatory ingredient in to the mix.

I would say try to change nothing, do not take on responsibilities that are not yours, do not believe that there is a magic pill. Keep providing the happy, stable environment for your large family and let him enjoy being a part of it. What happens naturally will happen, but if you attempt to artificially change his lived experience with a large transition you will most likely introduce changes at a pace he is not happy with which will in turn make your current situation less stable.

In my opinion, keep things as they are, ride the weather as it comes and let any changes (if they occur) happen naturally, rather than artificially.

I think you have to be careful saying that not exhibiting poor behaviour with the OP means he feels safe and stable there - is that suggesting that he doesn't feel stable in his primary home where his mother reports that he is presenting the difficult behaviour?

Because how many times on here do people say "they are worst with you because they are secure that you love them?"

Could be OP gets the good behaviour because he's too scared to rock the boat.

I actually think it sounds like the OP tries to create a happy home though the father has unintentionally been too hands off with his eldest.

But be careful not to demonise the mother and stepfather - they also have to get the balance right.

So he's the only child of your husband and his ex? And his dad has more children with you, his mum has more with her partner?

In which case, I think he's just feeling a little lost. He's in two environments where his younger half siblings are living with both their parents. He's split between two houses and probably feels he doesn't quite belong in both places. If there's quite an age gap that can also impact him.

Love and reassurance is a great thing, and just keep on making him part of your family. There's no magic solution, but credit to you for not belittling his feelings at all.

wannaBe - thanks For your words agree completely. His bond with our children is much greater as hes been there through everything where as with step son thats not always been case not always through his own choices but he never got chance to go to scans or anything and wasnt at the birth i can kind of understand how things have come to this

blindsider - Thank you i do try its not always been easy

Thank you all for replies its really put things into perspective and im glad I got it off my chest and asked for advice. Im hoping now we know hes feeling this way we can try turn things around. Hubby has agreed to try harder he was a bit upset that I had been questioning his relationship with son but he will survive.

Well this evening they went for a drive to take dogs out together and called off for fish and chips it was only way to distract my son in the end as he hates walking anywhere. Ss didnt seem too impressed with the choice of activity but guess its a start.

Hes seemed so happy today we ended up just at my sisters but hes really played well with her kids aswell as his siblings. Im finding it hard to imagine him bullying his other siblings

Hi again. So yesterday I had an appointment and an errand to run in town. All the kids played up on me. I promised step son mcdonalds but all he did was winge (first time in a while ive had any problems with him) got to half 2 was going to go to park but all he wanted to do was either go home to his mums or grandmas so in end took him to mother in laws for a bit! He apparently played out in street with next door neighbour and was happy again. This morning ive said ill take him play gym before he goes home to his mum so hes all happy says he wants to stay rest of week

Is this just a typical 9 year old? I dont think he knows what he wants

The moaning? Yeah... Normal...

Yup very typical. I've had a real struggle this week with my 9 year old!

Ah that is good then. Had no problems with him today. Managed to leave my girls with my sister so just took ss and my son to play gym let off a bit of steam.

Hes back at home with his mum now. Im not expecting his mum to fall at my feet or anything but Took him home (usually his dads job) but as she wanted him back by 4pm I had to do it. Walked him up to the door and she as good as closed door on me, no asking how hes been or anything she didnt even look pleased to have him home :(

Hello ladies. Just wanted to give a bit of an update really on the situation. So had step son weekend his mums asked if he can come this weekend aswell he usually sleeps at my mother in laws the friday or saturday when its not our week. Ive said yes but not sure if husbands working she said thats ok. Ive asked if everythings ok and shes basically told me to mind my own business.

Ive not replied but im pissed off to be honest. She could easilly sort arrangments with husband but comes to me and then shes arsey with me first chance she gets.

Sorry for ranting just really fed up of everything lately

Am I getting that right? He's at his grandmothers the other weekend? So he never has a weekend with his mum and stepdad?

No wonder he feels a bit lost. That's a lot of moving around.

We had step kids every weekend - from Friday after school, and DH took them to school Monday morning. It really worked well for the kids.

Maybe he needs to be living at two places, not three.

Re: mothers behaviour. I feel your pain.

Oh yes sorry i meant to add mother wants us to have him as my mother in law cant this week. She oly has him either the fri or saturday so yes he does see his mum a little but I agree