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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what reason can I give?

38 replies

sparkly72 · 13/02/2016 18:59

Dh has changed the passcode on his phone - what reason can I use to need to use his phone so I can check what's going on?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 13/02/2016 19:05

What does he say when you ask him about it?

Original poster
sparkly72 · 13/02/2016 19:06

I haven't as then he would know that I know it's changed ... Generally no trust issues with us but I have a compulsive liar for an ex so there is a bit of that hanging over me still

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 13/02/2016 19:06

What do you suspect is going on that requires you to check his phone?

Original poster
sparkly72 · 13/02/2016 19:08

Nothing??!!!! I just feel the very very occasional need

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkly72 · 13/02/2016 19:09

But why would he change his passcode????

OP posts:
LaGattaNera · 13/02/2016 19:09

Ask him what the new code is - tell him that it would be helpful to know incase you ever mislay yours - surely he is putting a code on so that if it is lost or stolen no one else can use it - fine - but see if he agrees to just tell you. Does he know your code?

Katenka · 13/02/2016 19:10

I change mine all the time. Especially if someone sees me enter it.

Why were you checking his phone?

Original poster
sparkly72 · 13/02/2016 19:12

He knows my code ... Don't know why I was looking arghhhhhh

OP posts:
SongBird16 · 13/02/2016 19:12

Just engineer a situation whereby you haven't got your phone but need to use one - to google something, maybe?

Just pick up his phone and say 'what's your passcode?'.

His response will tell you what you need to know.

BrienneofQarth · 13/02/2016 19:14

Yeah, as Songbird says, just say yours has run out of battery & you want to check cinema times, phone number for restaurant, etc. And ask what the passcode is.

Original poster
sparkly72 · 13/02/2016 19:14

I should just ask shouldn't I?

OP posts:
Katenka · 13/02/2016 19:14

His response will tell you what you need to know.

I disagree. I hate people looking through my phone. It's my personal property, like someone looking through a diary.

My response would be 'no and why do you want it?'.

I am not a cheat and entitled to some privacy.

The ops behaviour isn't healthy.

Original poster
sparkly72 · 13/02/2016 19:17

I KNOW!!! But still!!! Why would he change his passcode????

OP posts:
Joysmum · 13/02/2016 19:17

Ask to borrow as yours is upstairs then try to log in. ONLY THEN ask for the code.

If you ask before you've tried he'll wonder why you know it's been changed.

Katenka · 13/02/2016 19:19

Why does it matter?

As I said I regularly change mine. Changing passwords regularly is often recommended.

If someone has seen me input it I change it.

Why do you think he has changed it?

Original poster
sparkly72 · 13/02/2016 19:22

He has regular passwords for things - which I know. However with his phone he normally logs in with thumb print , but I knew his back up password was the same as our laptop. He has changed it.
I don't know why he would change it- that's what is freaking me out a bit....

OP posts:
Muddlewitch · 13/02/2016 19:25

Maybe he changed it because someone else saw it? I've done that before.

Kind of agree with pp here, I wouldn't like it either, I like my privacy and am not a cheat.

I might feel slightly differently if there were various other things that gave you a genuine suspicion that he was up to no good, but it doesn't sound like there is.

AdoraBell · 13/02/2016 19:28

There could be lots of innocent reasons to change a password.

You know that your ex has caused you to have trust issues. I think you should work on resolving those issues rather than worrying why someone changed a password.

Joysmum · 13/02/2016 19:37

Forget what everyone else says, I'd be after the password too Grin

SongBird16 · 13/02/2016 19:41

Given your history I think it's understandable that you want to look.

Better to look unnecessarily than talk yourself out of it and end up being taken for a mug.

Original poster
sparkly72 · 13/02/2016 19:45

I kind of want to be reassured there is nothing to worry about, rather than thinking something is going on. I know if he wanted to have private contact with anyone he could via his work email which I'm not privvy to

OP posts:
Thymeout · 13/02/2016 19:49

Perhaps he read something that said it's not a good idea to have the same password for different appliances?

You need to get over this compulsion to snoop when you have absolutely no grounds for thinking anything is up. It'll destroy your relationship.

SuperCee7 · 13/02/2016 20:01

Just ask him. "Lose" your phone and pretend to need his to phone it so you can find it and then just ask him.

Cabrinha · 13/02/2016 21:42

I love my boyfriend, and I have nothing to hide. I wouldn't tell him my code though. If he needed to check something I'd unlock it then hand it over. As a PP said, it's like going through a diary.

I'd have a MASSIVE issue with what you're doing OP. Proper deal breaking stuff. If you have issues from a previous relationship driving you to do this, talk to him. If you tiny love each other enough to talk about it, not worth staying together.

Gabilan · 13/02/2016 21:53

My phone is my personal property. I'd have a massive problem with a partner snooping through it. I've never cheated but if a friend sends me a personal message it's just that and NOT for an insecure partner to nose through.