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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New Feelings For Another Mum

27 replies

GinaL · 08/02/2016 16:06

This isn't what I expected to need help with on becoming a mum...

My only child is now one year old, and while stressful, it's gone pretty well so far. I've met lots of other mums at the same stage through groups etc, but one in particular has stood out from the rest. She seems the only one able to talk about anything other than feeding and nappies, and over the year since we met, we've found ourselves edging away from the other mums a bit, meeting just the two of us etc.

I'm usually slow to get friendly with new people, but I've felt close with her from early on. I've occasionally wondered what's so special about her, but just shook myself and said, look you've a friend and support, don't analyse it.

A few times we've managed to get the husbands or in-laws to watch the little ones and go out together in the evening, but the last time things took an unexpected turn. We both had a bit to drink while out for dinner, then went back to hers, as it wasn't late. I can't really explain how it happened but there was a lot of laughing, hugging and fooling around going on. It's hard to believe I'm writing this, but I'll burst if I don't share with someone. Next thing I knew we were kissing. It just felt right. Things went on from there too.

That was 10 days ago, and I'm not making sense of it. I'm in complete turmoil. I feel guilty towards my husband and child, whom I both love, but above all I'm wanting to spend more time with her. I don't regret what happened at all.

Is this a thing that happens? Both of us would say we're happy with our husbands, and want to stay married, but... So many things!

Anyone come across this? Sometimes I think it's all a mad dream.

Gina

OP posts:
FellOutOfBedTwice · 08/02/2016 16:13

I don't know if it's a thing that happens, but if this was a man this had happened with what would your attitude be? It's an affair whatever the gender of the third party and you've crossed a line into having one. You need to stop or leave your husband in order to continue. This current situation isn't cool.

mum2mum99 · 08/02/2016 16:21

This happened to me. Bu my marriage was miserable. And I had stopped feeling any connection with H. I am now divorced and with a woman.
If you want to backtrack it is now. Otherwise your marriage is dead.i
Living with a woman is not an easy option.

Claraoswald36 · 08/02/2016 16:23

Sounds really confusing and difficult. Sorry you are going through this op

Babycham1979 · 08/02/2016 16:24

Ooops! You've both cheated on your husbands. Ouch!

Now it's time to own up and give them the chance to leave you if they can't deal with it. Particularly in light of the fact that you 'don't regret it at all'. Very strange; if you'd just fucked another man, would you be saying the same?

gamerchick · 08/02/2016 16:27

For the minute step away from the alcohol when you meet up. You'll end up sleeping with her if you don't.

You never know it might be taken out of your hands when she tells her husband.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 08/02/2016 17:03

No. Never.

Now that you have discovered that you are Bisexual, you have a lot of feelings to work through.

Some men can handle their partners being Bi. Could yours? It is still cheating of course.

Are you going to tell your DH?

sassymuffin · 08/02/2016 17:05

Ultimately you have cheated on your husband. One thing has to be sacrificed, either your marriage or your relationship with your friend. You cant have both as that would be deceitful and cruel and when the truth came out (and it nearly always does) the impact on all your families would be devastating.

It just felt right and I don't regret what happened at all
If your feelings are truly this strong then maybe you need an honest conversation with your husband. You say you want to spend all your time with her, your husband will eventually pick up on this shift in your emotions.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 08/02/2016 17:07

You cheated on your DH.

It is him I feel for in all this tbh.

If you have no regrets. Then leave your DH.

Funinthesun15 · 08/02/2016 17:09

*Sorry you are going through this op

Sorry that the OP has cheated on her DH and has no regret at all.

Hmm
Funinthesun15 · 08/02/2016 17:10

Should be

Sorry you are going through this op

epic bold fail Blush

Binders1 · 08/02/2016 17:32

I think you're missing the point OP! Your focus shouldn't be is this a thing that happens? You have been unfaithful to your DH, whom you say you love, you're happy with and want to stay married to yet admit to wanting to spend more time with OW. Worst of all you admit you don't regret what happened at all.

I'll burst if I don't share with someone as if you want to share your excitement!? Are you are minimising it in your head because it's not a man you have cheated on your DH with? Is it excitement that you have discovered you are bisexual?

What would you say if your DH was telling you this about another woman? What will your DH say when he finds out you have cheated on him?

Original poster
GinaL · 08/02/2016 17:40

Thanks everyone for responses. I suppose a selfish, blind part of me hoped there would be a way I could have my cake and eat it, but when you ask how I would feel if it was another guy, it puts it all in perspective, and I realise it can't go on. I suppose taken together, your direct and firm responses were the rough shake and slap that I need to snap me out of this.

The B(isexual) word is something I still don't feel applies to me, somehow, but I do now see that it can't be easy for people who feel a need for both. I'm not a sexual adventurer, and would never move into that lifestyle. It just felt pure and right, somehow, but I suppose that's the age-old story. Lesson learned #noalcoholnexttime

OP posts:
Rainbowlou1 · 08/02/2016 17:52

But that's you all now sorted...what about your poor husband?
Surely you should give him a choice in all of this seeing as he is the one that's been cheated on?

sassymuffin · 08/02/2016 18:03

OP your glib #noalcoholnexttime suggests that you are minimizing what has actually happened. You cheated and you enjoyed it. You cannot remain in a friendship with this woman if you want to remain your marriage.

Imagine if your husband had a drunken fling with another woman and then took your child and met up with her to have coffee every week. Would you be ok with that?

Original poster
GinaL · 08/02/2016 18:28

If I were "glib" and "minimizing what has actually happened", I wouldn't have come in here seeking guidance. It's never difficult to distinguish between the language of people who want to help and challenge constructively from people who just want to put the boot in to someone they've judged as bad.

Because of the latter small minority, seeking guidance here is one other thing I won't be doing again.

OP posts:
Rainbowlou1 · 08/02/2016 18:45

But surely by asking for advice You're asking people to judge your situation?

You need to come clean to your husband and allow him to decide if he wants to continue with your marriage...and cut all contact with the woman you've cheated on him with in the meantime.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 08/02/2016 18:51

You need to be honest with your husband. You can dress it up any way you want, the fact is you cheated. You seem to be excusing it with all the blame on alcohol, or discovering whether you're bi. That's not good enough. Be honest with him.

Shesinfashion · 08/02/2016 19:05

I feel for your poor oblivious husband (and hers).

Shesinfashion · 08/02/2016 19:06

And you know what you need to do. Cut contact with her. You have crossed a line. I doubt you can go back to being friends.

sassymuffin · 08/02/2016 19:37

GinaL I am not judging you as bad, I don't have any right to do that and I am genuinely not putting the boot in. I was trying to get you to look at your present situation from a different angle, different perspectives (even harsh ones) can often help you find clarity when you find yourself in a difficult place.
If you need to seek guidance please don't let your opinion of my comment stop you doing that.
I still offer the advice that it would be best to cut contact with your friend if you choose to remain in your marriage.

mum2mum99 · 08/02/2016 22:12

Bisexual still have to choose between having a relationship between a man and a woman. Most bisexual people are monogamous and it is assumptions to think that they would have both at once.
So for you there is clearly a choice to be made. And if you want to save your marriage you will have to cut contact with her at once.
And if this is about an unfulfilled part of yourself and might well come back later on in your life...

CockwombleJeff · 08/02/2016 22:16

I am sorry for your husband OP.

Marchate · 08/02/2016 22:19

Is this a thing that happens?

I'm reading this differently than most people above. Not that I'm condoning cheating. That's the end of a relationship, whether a couple stays together or not. Trust is gone. However...

I thought Gina was asking a different question. Not, Is it okay to cheat, but How did this scary, unexpected thing happen?

The details deflected the focus. It became a question about cheating - because that's what happened. I'll leave it at that because I'm not sure if my interpretation is way off the mark!

MissAlabamaWhitman · 08/02/2016 22:27

Oh FGS
Don't tell your husband.
He'll either get all moral high horse or otherwise get a stiffy and suggest a threesome.

Not cool.

Sort your head out, have an honest conversation with your friend and in all likelihood you'll have a giggle about it and sweep it all under the carpet.
No harm done.

If you decide you're bisexual then yes tell your husband. If it was a drunken one off then don't piss it all up the wall because you made a drunken mistake. It happens, to men and women with men and women.

whatdoIget · 08/02/2016 23:03

I've seen other people on here who've confessed to having a drunken snog being advised not to tell their husband/wife and to keep it to themselves for the sake of the marriage. I think the op needs to decide whether she's committed to her marriage or not. People do make mistakes unfortunately, and it may not be worth ending a marriage over.