Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want him to take his stuff!

27 replies

MadameZeCow · 05/02/2016 09:48

DH left and moved into the first flat he looked at (granted his choice was limited as he receives HB due to disability)
It has one bedroom and is tiny and now he's saying he doesn't have the room to take all his stuff.
Bearing in mind his 'stuff' is a load of collectable that caused a lot of tension in the marriage because he hoards these items. My utility cupboard is full, floor to ceiling with these items and various other spaces across the house.

I need to sort my house out, get organised, into a routine, but can't when there's no room for me to store things.

He's also putting off taking his cats, one of which has just pissed somewhere upstairs and I can't find where exactly to clean it.

Am feeling frustrated and overwhelmed because the house is a mess and I want to get organised but it seems impossible :(

OP posts:
Husbanddoestheironing · 05/02/2016 09:53

I would formally give him a week to remove them or they will be going to the tip/ cat refuge. Sounds like a nightmare. Then you can begin your new uncluttered life Smile

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2016 09:56

I would do the same as PP.
Tell him he has a week to get the stuff and cats removed.
He can always rent a storage space and put it there.
You can start packing up his things.
If he doesn't collect in a week you will take stuff to the tip/charity shop.
The cats will go the a rescue home and you'll be done with it.
Seriously, don't let him tell you that his stuff needs to stay put.
It doesn't.
It's your house, your space and you can do what you like with it.
He tough shit if he can't sort it out.
1 week then get rid of it all.

NNalreadyinuse · 05/02/2016 09:56

I take it his name is off your lease/deeds?
If he still has a legal stake in your house then it might be tricky to just dump his stuff.
If he doesn't have any legal hold on the house, then yes, tell him he has one week and then dump it sell it on ebay if it is valuable

Original poster
MadameZeCow · 05/02/2016 09:59

I don't want to cause tension between us though. I understand it must be hard for him moving out and things. I don't want to get too harsh. I just wish he would get a move on.

OP posts:
NNalreadyinuse · 05/02/2016 10:06

In that case you might as well get used to being the owner of a cupboard full of junk and an incontinent cat!
If you don't insist that he takes it now, it will be there in 5 years time.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2016 10:07

But you have your own tension in your own home full of HIS shite!
Seriously. Stop being such a door mat and tell him to get his stuff sorted and if he doesn't then you will.
It should be very simple.

rumbleinthrjungle · 05/02/2016 11:13

He doesn't live there any more, you're no longer his partner and it's no longer appropriate to be expecting you to look after his stuff and his interests. You need to make your house yours again.

He needs to utilise friends, parents, storage etc and deal like a grow up with his own affairs, it's not your problem that he didn't think this through properly. Give him a deadline and phrase it as you can help him out one more week as a favour so he can make arrangements, even though you're finding this hugely inconvenient, but by next Friday either he needs to have sorted something out or you will have to.

I suppose you could offer to charge pet sitting and storage rates? Wink

VimFuego101 · 05/02/2016 11:15

I agree with everyone else. Give him notice that the stuff needs to be gone by x date. If you're feeling nice you could just hang on to it and charge storage/ cat sitting fees if he genuinely doesn't have room.

rumbleinthrjungle · 05/02/2016 11:16

Meant to add - as for you causing tension? You've already helped him above and beyond in this! He should be appreciating you cat and stuff sitting for him to give him time, not stropping because your good will isn't infinite!

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/02/2016 12:54

"It has one bedroom and is tiny and now he's saying he doesn't have the room to take all his stuff. Bearing in mind his 'stuff' is a load of collectable that caused a lot of tension in the marriage because he hoards these items."
AS pp have said, set a date, one week from today or two at the very very most, and he has to have HIS stuff out of YOUR home by then; or it goes to the tip/you freecycle it (has the advantage that they come and take it away for you). Ditto the cat, or he arranges the rehoming of it.

It strikes me that he cold be deliberately leaving his stuff at yours as a bit of a 'fuck you' - because if he hoarded this stuff, how could he bear to be parted from it? Or does he think that as long as his stuff is there, it's still his home and he can get back sometime? His ability to leave it behind definitely has meaning, I'm just not sure what. Best to get rid of it soonest.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/02/2016 12:55

he could, not he cold, Duh!

NettleTea · 05/02/2016 20:49

Is there a parent's place that the stuff could be delivered to?
And same about the cat - any friend it could go to?

honeyroar · 05/02/2016 21:45

Give him a date, tell him to arrange storage for his stuff (kindly offer him some numbers for storage companies!) or tell him you will bin it.

Feeling sorry for the cat that neither of you seem to give a shit about though.

rumbleinthrjungle · 05/02/2016 22:14

His ability to leave it behind definitely has meaning, I'm just not sure what.

It's not unusual for some men to feel when they move out that their previous home and partner should still carry on as normal in the way they are comfortable with and the status quo should not change. It's the wanting cake while eating cake thing. Endless posts on the site from women dealing with this mindset post break up and a few really depressing threads on Dadsnet from men convinced it's wholly reasonable.

summerainbow · 05/02/2016 22:47

This happen to me ended up paying 1000s to dump the stuff in end when when we sold up and had to move out. Get rid now .

Original poster
MadameZeCow · 06/02/2016 00:22

Who said I don't give a shit about the cat? It's sat here with me now, belly full and getting his ears scratched. Jut because I would prefer him to go eventually doesn't mean I don't care about him.

OP posts:
Resilience16 · 06/02/2016 01:40

Hi Madame, I can understand how frustrating this must be! What I would suggest is give him two weeks notice to shift his stuff. If he hadn't come up with a plan of action by the end if a week one, contact local charities to take away his "treasure". Arrange for collection in week three.If he starts arsing around tell him you have arranged a date and he needs to take it before then or it all goes. Stick to it.
You might want to keep the cats. They were definitely one of the best things that came out my relationship with my ex!
Good luck!

Goodbetterbest · 06/02/2016 10:13

Watching with interest OP as similar position here. (Except DCs not cats). I know I need to step up but after years of EA I don't want the confrontation, and the DCs hate the confrontation.

I'm a mug.

SoThatHappened · 06/02/2016 10:27

Dump it one of those storage facilities, pay for a month or so of storage and send him the key. Tell him if he doesn't either collect the property or keep paying for storage it'll be discarded by the storage company.

I'd take the cats round to his door in pet carriers and when he answers the door leave them there with him.

SoThatHappened · 06/02/2016 10:29

Just as long as you leave the cats in person with their owner, you did all you could, didn't abandon them or leave them somewhere unsafe

JeanPadget · 06/02/2016 10:38

Hi OP. My XH left a room filled with his crap stuff when he left. As others have said, it's a way of marking their territory and remaining a presence in the house. I couldn't do anything until the house became legally mine, but then I gave him three months to move his belongings. As he's PA he ignored this deadline, which expired, so I texted his mum (who had been very nasty over the divorce) that a friend and I would be bringing the stuff round in a van on a particular date. I said that if she wasn't in I would leave it on her drive. She texted back, 'In Spain until Monday, don't leave anything on the drive,' and I replied, 'I really couldn't care less; take this up with XH as he's had ample warning to move his possessions.' Result Grin - he moved it all the next weekend. Eventually, you've just got to stop being patient and worrying about how they will react.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2016 10:45

I'd give him written notice to get his shit out and do what So suggests with the cats.

Thing about storage units is they often charge you deposit and fees. Also the stuff is then uninsured. And she will have to pay to move all the stuff or take time out to move all the stuff.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 06/02/2016 10:49

I take it his name is off your lease/deeds?
If he still has a legal stake in your house then it might be tricky to just dump his stuff.

^ this. You need to be very very careful if your divorce isn't yet finalised.

JeanPadget · 06/02/2016 11:35

Oh, I forgot to say that he also left a car in the garden - he'd intended to use it as a donor vehicle for a kit car, but never got round to it. That was much more difficult to get rid of, as he was the registered keeper and wouldn't give me the V5. Eventually, some kind soul told me how to get a replacement V5 and I got the car removed. (I had toyed with the idea of having it transported to his workplace and dumped on the car park there, which would have gone done really well in his shiny high-tech job Smile)

I literally jumped for joy when this bloody car was gone and my garden didn't look like the Steptoes' yard any more.

JeanPadget · 06/02/2016 11:35

*down

Swipe left for the next trending thread