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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would it put you off a man knowing that

28 replies

Iloveyoutilltheend · 04/02/2016 23:59

He hadn't had a relationship before, aged 37? Nothing at all obviously "wrong" with him but very shy and working long hours at stressful job. Just wondered. I have encountered plenty of cocky lothario types on my life but recently met someone the opposite.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2016 00:01

Why should something be wrong with him? my husband had never had a relationship before me. We've been married 7 years now. It didn't put me off. If you really like this guy just go for it.

Spartak · 05/02/2016 00:05

I went on a few dates with a bloke who was 38 just before Christmas. Last relationship ended when he was 21. He was very odd, stingy with his money, sat on my sofa drinking my beer and farting. There was a good reason why he was single, and it was apparent very early on. Give it a go and see what happens.

chelle792 · 05/02/2016 00:14

My husband only had a three month relationship before me. He's doing alright so far

SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 00:31

Define relationship? Do you mean long term?

has he dated / had sex before?

musicposy · 05/02/2016 00:35

My DBro was in his mid 30s before he had a relationship. He's lovely, just a bit shy. In the end he joined an online dating site. He's now been with his wife 5 years and they have my gorgeous DNephew. He treats her wonderfully, does all the housework despite working full time. dSil is constantly crowing telling me what an easy life she has and I have to bite my tongue!
Try it and see. He may be a weirdo, he may be an undiscovered gem. You won't know if you don't give it a go.

Postchildrenpregranny · 05/02/2016 00:35

Have a close male friend whose one and only relationship has been with his now wife.They married when he was 33 and have one child . They've been together 35 years and seem perfectly happy . He had/has several good female friends (we'd go with him to company 'dos' etc). Nothing wrong with him, perfectly personable, intelligent and good job, own house (as they say) Just shy I think . Met the wife through a mutual interest
My DB very similar.Married at 35 an older woman with teenage sons.They have been very ,very happy for 25 years

80schild · 05/02/2016 00:35

He might be the sort of person who only dates women he can see a future with. If do you are on to a winner. You will only know if you try.

bessiebumptious2 · 05/02/2016 00:39

Nope. A very good friend of mine has, in the last few years, met someone and is living happily with her after being single his entire life. He is now 51 and is a lovely, lovely person. He's just always been a little... inept... when it comes to chatting someone up and doesn't drink much (so no 'aid' there!).

He has the best sense of humour and a happy disposition, so I never really understood why he was single for so many years. He started online dating and is now living with a woman who is really good for him although she does 'mother' him a bit!!

Oh, and he was quite close to both his parents and his mother was quite overbearing. It did cause a bit of an issue at first when his mother immediately disapproved before she'd even met his gf! They handled it really well and they are very happy.

Sighing · 05/02/2016 00:42

My dh was 36 when we started dating. He'd had 1 brief relationship at university (she and some friends died, it affected him deeply for a long time). He really amazed me that he was interested - because he's never rushed in. He may not have my relationship experience but as he's a mature adult with many friends he's good at relationship / communication. He's also (still) refreshingly delighted by our relationship firsts. As I'm a fan of making moments a bit romantic it's a dizzy ride!

bessiebumptious2 · 05/02/2016 00:43

Oh, and he was about 48 when they met. He's an undiscovered gem so she's very lucky. The only hurdles, so far as I can make out, are that he's so used to living alone that it's taken a bit of adjustment on his part. She snores, apparently, and he's the type who used to bring his own pillow when he stayed at ours (we have clean, and new pillows, btw. He's just fussy!). And he used to bring his own (specific) breakfast with him. So pretty set in his ways!

SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 00:45

Perhaps it would be far more of a red flag if they had a string of failed relationships, no real commitment and history of cheating.

Headmelt · 05/02/2016 01:00

It can be hard to meet someone "normal" 'right' especially if you are shy/lack confidence/don't like clubbing so maybe that is the reason he has been single so long. Give it a go, he could be your Mr. Right and your happy ever after. Even if he isn't, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I hope it works out for you op. Don't forget to keep us posted.

AdjustableWench · 05/02/2016 01:11

It really depends on the man - and why he hasn't had a relationship before. My partner had never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months before I met him. He's much older than the man you're seeing. We've been together for several years now. Apparently he hadn't met the right woman before. But he's had to learn quite a lot about relationships at a time in his life when learning that kind of thing is a bit trickier. It's been worth it for me because my partner is very sweet and very kind, and very willing to learn. So I wouldn't rule it out, be also it's important to be aware of things that can't be easily overcome.

tinyme135 · 05/02/2016 01:22

my DP had a short relationship before me and now we're happily engaged and have a 3 week old baby. he's amazing to me and never ill treats me :)

Original poster

Iloveyoutilltheend · 05/02/2016 06:31

Thanks for posting all of this. He is definitely shy, all boys school male dominated university and then he was working abroad. I am surprised thoughthat there hasn't been anyone at all as he's attractive, intelligent and a catch. I suppose if the onus is on you to do the approaching and you don't, well this could happen.

OP posts:

maybebabybee · 05/02/2016 06:42

It would put me off a bit, yes, but only because I've had friends who've started seeing similar blokes to then discover they are weirdoes. I guess you have to just take the risk if you like him...I agree a really long string of failed relationships is also a red flag.

Is he a virgin? At 37 that would massively put me off.

Oysterbabe · 05/02/2016 08:25

It would put me off too but I'd give him a chance.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 05/02/2016 13:01

My bf was 38 when we met. He'd had a couple of relationships (2 years or so each), but nothing for about 15 years. He'd been on some dates in that time but nothing had worked out.

He is not shy generally but not a super confident with women type. He's a lovely lovely bf and we're having a great time.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 05/02/2016 13:16

It would only put me off if they'd also never moved out of home.

Borisrules · 05/02/2016 13:17

DH painfully shy. No one before me. He was 37. He has made the best husband you could ever wish for!

WonderousStories · 05/02/2016 13:19

I met my DH just before his 40th birthday. Our first proper date was his birthday. He hadn't had any sort of real relationship before - he hadn't met the right girl and was happy with casual flings.

Until he met me

We met in the April. He asked me to marry him in the August and we moved in together in the September. We officially got engaged that Christmas. We have been together 12 years and married for 8 of them.

He is the love of my life and I am his. Tbh because he hasn't really had a gf before makes me feel extra special!

BloodyPlantagenets · 05/02/2016 13:20

My lovely BIL was single until he was in his forties, he has now met someone and they live together.

There's nothing wrong with him except being a bit quiet and shy.

Bananalanacake · 05/02/2016 13:28

Spartak - I'd have got rid of him just for the farting

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/02/2016 13:39

Laughing at the beer drinking farter He's my husband now.
He sounds ok OP . To me the main concern would be if he hadn't 'lived' i.e. been looked after by his mum all his life and had little life experience or experience of being independent. He sounds far from that. However, some people can get quite selfish after being on their own for long periods and find it hard to adapt to being part of a couple, with another person's emotions to consider.
Bonus points for his honesty though. There's no harm surely in giving him a go?

hefzi · 05/02/2016 14:49

My brother's 1st gf was when he was 34; they married at 35. He's a bit weird (scientist) but not hideous or awkward in any way - just a high-achieving workaholic who tended to be over-looked in the competitive male environments he went to school/university in, because he wasn't a Greek god type. Then he was overseas working etc etc

I personally wouldn't have married him because that would be gross but I did try to set him up with one or two friends. Sometimes people are perennially single not because of any flaws they have, but just because of the way life works out: I wouldn't see it as an automatic red flag.

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