Housemate

[CandalabraBanshee]

I moved in with my housemate a while back, after a bad break up. A year later, I got together with my bloke, but I'm still living with my housemate.

My housemate is great in a lot of ways But, she treats the space as hers - she'll take a long bath, or cook for an hour, if she feels like it, but she doesn't like me to do the same. She uses the ground floor and I'm only given space to use it when she's not there, though we pay the same rent. Every time I've sat down with my partner, she's found reason to tell us to go away - even though we were in the small room downstairs where we had shut the door, just so we could sit and watch something. We've never been able to sit down together in that house, except when my housemate was away.

Turns out, me being with my bloke upsets her so much, she can't cope. She actually told me off for touching his shoulder in front of her. She told me openly she can't feel happy because we are happy.

I don't know what to do. I can completely understand her feeling wretched after a bad break up, but I can't live this way. What can I do - prior to and other than moving out?

Apart from moving out - not much. You could try telling her to get the fuck over herself?

Wow, that was definitely truth unvarnished!

I could, but I don't think she realises.

Move out asap.

See your boyfriend at his place not yours until then.

Use the bathroom, kitchen & whatever other rooms you want to for as long as you want to and if she moans point out that you pay the same rent as she does so are entitled to.

It's her issue and not yours. I'd be sorely tempted to let her know that her behaviour towards you is utterly unfair despite how she feels. And that you're moving out at the earliest.

She´s weird and inconsiderate. She clearly doesn´t treat others how she would like to be treat. I could write a book on the odd ball housemates I´ve had to share with over the years...

There´s no secret really. But it sounds like you need to give as good as you get and chuffing well stick up for yourself. Honestly, repeating her behaviour back to her ( the long baths, the long kitchen use ) will work a treat. See how she likes it. You seriously need to be hardfaced about this.

She´s dominating the place ( and you ) and monopolising the communal areas. Bollocks to that! I wouldn´t bloody stand for it! Have you spoke to her about it? If you have and it´s not worked, honestly, actions speak louder than words. You need to show her that you´re not a doormat otherwise she´ll keep treating you like one. And why are you wimping out and leaving with your partner just cos she wants you gone?? [shock}

If you´ve tried being nice it´s time to step it up a notch! And go to the Landlord only as a last resort, nobody likes a grass or a cry baby. Exercise your rights to equality. You can do it!! But you need a crash course in sticking up for yourself and standing up to bullies, cos that´s what she sounds like.

I have spoken to her, moomin. But she is so upset by the fact I've got someone, that she gets very miserable. She really can't cope with me having my partner there, and it's that idea that makes it seem so awful, I think?

I've no intention of going to the LL. It's not that sort of situation. I just feel wrong-footed and unable to explain how much I'm getting fed up with spending all my time in my room, or under her eye as she waits for me to go to my place.

She's got issues? Why doesn't she move out if she hates living with you so much? I'd suggest that to her, see what she says.

I think she can afford to do that. I can't, you see.

Try n persuade her to fuck off then. Is there no way you could look for another flat share though ? What's the situation where you are, are you joint tenants

She's a friend, and I am fond of her. She has had a shitty divorce, as I say.

I can look for another flat share - and I want to move in with my bloke - I just can't figure out what I owe her.

Have you been able to suggest she seeks counselling? She clearly has some massive issues....what on earth does she do out in the real world when she sees couples together?

Doesn't she have any friends in couples?

It's absolutely ridiculous to expect you to live your life according to her issues.

I would refuse to pander to her silliness.

I was single for five years and shared with people who were part of a couple. I have single friends now who have been single for 8 years or more and yes, they would admit that sometimes seeing couples makes them feel a tiny bit jealous/lonely, but they would never make completely unreasonable demands of other people like your flat mate is.

Does she hold a candle for your man?

Um I would suggest that you owe someone who tells you they can't feel happy because you are happy exactly fuck all.

See out your lease and then move.

stum - yes, but I wasn't in a couple when I moved in with her. I was single.

kramer - god no! She can't stand him.

norest - thanks. yes.

AF - yes, I will.

I was just trying to get a sense of how to act until then.

What a cow. I can't stand people who have to stay everyone else down in their misery.

I'd tell her to fuck off, myself.

maybe shes not holding a candle for your man....maybe she holds a candle for you!

No wonder she has no boyfriend. Can you imagine the hell it must be to deal with her insecurity and selfishness?

OP, use the house as you see fit She can go to her room if she doesn't like it.

Hold on. I've been through this scenario (long time ago, in my 20s) where I shared with a friend. Friend met boyfriend, who incidentally is/was really nice and is now her husband, BUT... he was always there and I resented it.

I shared with her, not her and him, and because he was always there, they were holed up 'together' most of the time and I felt like an intruder in my own home. It was crap, even though I had a really fab social life and went out a lot. We're still friends 20+ years later, but I wouldn't want to share in that scenario again.

And I was effectively sharing with 3 people but splitting the bills by 2 so by default was funding him as well.

Are you sure that this isn't similar?

Not sure I made much sense there. What I found really difficult was coming home and not being able to slug out in the same room as them because I felt that I was 'in their way' and unwelcome. And cooking was then difficult because they were cooking their meals and there wasn't room for more than 2 people in our kitchen, even less enough room to cook more than one meal. And the bathroom situation was ridiculous.

That's not what I signed up for when we agreed to share a house, so it ended up a bit crap (for me).

Bessie - I agree with your take on this situation. It was her house and she offered to let Op share. Then she finds she's sharing with a couple.

Did you ask if you could move him in? Did she agree thinking it was temporary? Are you splitting the rent and bills into two or three?

It's not much fun playing gooseberry all the time in your own house.

agree with bessie and thyme...

Sorry - re-reading, it's not clear how often he stays over, whether or not he's effectively living there most of the time.

But it's a very difficult dynamic, regardless of her issues about being single herself.

It's obviously not working and I'd make plans to move out.

This is easily solved. If she can afford to move out and you can't, then just ramp up being with your bf in front of her and ignore her protestations.

So sit on the sofa holding hands

When she complains brush it off and start to, laugh, giggle, stroke each others hair.

When she complains more, just start kissing. Few little pecks but progress towards full on B-Movie snog.

She'll move out but you'll have to put on a flak jacket and a thick skin to deal with the whinging in the mean time.

Hold on! You RENT and equally? And you're not allowed to have equal space? Or use of that space?tell her to ftfo!

You have as much right to use the flat as she does!

She's not a friend if she's unhappy when you are happy.

Single. White. Female.

Tell her to get over herself or get the fuck out. (You or her)