Housemate

[CandalabraBanshee]

I moved in with my housemate a while back, after a bad break up. A year later, I got together with my bloke, but I'm still living with my housemate.

My housemate is great in a lot of ways But, she treats the space as hers - she'll take a long bath, or cook for an hour, if she feels like it, but she doesn't like me to do the same. She uses the ground floor and I'm only given space to use it when she's not there, though we pay the same rent. Every time I've sat down with my partner, she's found reason to tell us to go away - even though we were in the small room downstairs where we had shut the door, just so we could sit and watch something. We've never been able to sit down together in that house, except when my housemate was away.

Turns out, me being with my bloke upsets her so much, she can't cope. She actually told me off for touching his shoulder in front of her. She told me openly she can't feel happy because we are happy.

I don't know what to do. I can completely understand her feeling wretched after a bad break up, but I can't live this way. What can I do - prior to and other than moving out?

Great strategy cheersmedea That's exactly what I would do, her negativity would do my nut in. Was her attitude to life part of the reason she's divorced? Wouldn't surprise me

Were you allowed to use the downstairs room(s) when you first moved in and were single? If not, why did you agree to it?

If things have only changed since your bf has been around, then I have the suspicion that she's using the same tactics on you as cheersmedea suggests. A sort of constructive dismissal? She's making it as difficult as she can for you to have the boyfriend round because she's trying to discourage him being there all the time, or hoping you'll move out. Whichever, she doesn't want to sit in the living room with you two snuggled up on the sofa.

Whose name is on the lease?

Afraid I agree with pp saying it's REALLY irritating moving in with one person and then it ends up being 2 people half the time

I've lived with a couple (unintentionally!) and it really is shit. I moved in with a good friend, who promptly moved her boyfriend in full-time. It's really unfair! The flatmate ends up subsiding two people's rent/bills etc. and has no space to themself- they end up feeling pushed out of their own house!

Tbf I can empathise with your housemate.

Especially because you've said she's "good in lots of ways", which makes it sound like this is a recent thing - and very likely a reaction to you two just forcing her to live with a couple...!

It was her house and she offered to let Op share.

Um ... no! It's a rented house, equal rent.

And she definitely has space to herself - that is the point. I am actually there less of the time because I go over to his, and eat out more because it's so clear I'm not welcome.

i think you have to tell her you're struggling and that it's your home too and you don't feel comfortable anymore. hard as that is, she must have an idea. and if you don't come to a resolution you'll have set the scene for leaving.

Op - yes, but she was there first? Who is on the lease or do you have separate leases with the landlord? How often does your boyfriend stay over?

Obviously, you're paying rent, it's your home, and you should be allowed to have a sex life. But as pps have said, three's a crowd when two of them are loved up, regardless of any issues she might have. There have been other threads where the singleton has been the one holed up in her room all the time.

Sorry - but I don't think it's going to get any better.

No, she wasn't, we rent jointly.

BF two/three days a week and I'm away the same.

The whole point is that she is not 'holed up in her room'.

No - I get that. It's unusual for the couple to lose out. She must have a very strong personality. Which is why I don't think you're going to win this.

OK so the situation just doesn't work for either of you, so rather than play the blame game, why don't you (as the one with a partner and therefore with the support) make a decision to move on before your friendship is ruined? Just accept that it's not working and do it nicely.

That's the grown-up thing to do.

Please don't get drawn in to playing petty games. It's unpleasant for both of you and is unnecessary. It is what it is and it doesn't work. It doesn't mean that you can't still be friends; it just means that living together/sharing a space doesn't work and will never work unless you're both single.

OP, get a bit of backbone and stop bring so meek!

She can't tell you what to do in your own home. Tell her to fuck off.

She sounds like a shitty friend if she won't let you use the shared space!

Move on as soon as you can and if I were you rethink this friendship.

Did she always mind you using the shared space or just after you got a boyfriend?

I've been in this situation and it was crap. My friend got together with a lovely guy but he was always there. I missed my mate even though we were living in the same flat together as either they both were at his or they were both at mine. I'm not a fan of mates who get in to couples and then immediately ditch their mates and become this permanent "we" particularly when I've helped them out at their last break up. Are you ever there by yourself? I'm not saying you should be - just that it might be why she's so intolerant.

The day I broke up with my long term boyfriend I really needed my friend, but he sat there on the sofa nibbling away at her ear. So from now on if someone moved in with me, then yeah I'd probably have reservations about sharing my living space with a couple.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be happy, but sometimes it's hard to watch all of your mates couple up and ditch you, particularly if you are living in the same space. Are you sensitive to spending time with her or not? If not I don't see why she should be sensitive to your needs either.