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Original poster

does your boyf contribute to your house?

46 replies

83mummypig · 28/01/2016 14:44

If you don't live with your boyf but he stays with you regularly, does he contribute at all to your house?

Mine stays 3 times a week. The other 4 nights he stays at his parents (temporary measure).

When he's here I provide everything like food, drink, electric, gas etc. The amount for these have gone up since he's been staying. Should I be paying for this increase? Is it unreasonable to ask for a bit of money towards them? Also when we go anywhere I always have to drive as his car is unreliable.

When we go out (every other week) he usually pays or I suggest going halves.

If I asked him to go to asda, he would but I feel like I could only as for a couple of odd bits.

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 28/01/2016 14:51

He's a cheeky sod.

If he stays at yours three times a week, I should say he should provide the food for say two of those times. And drink. He should also every now and then stock up your milk, teabags, eggs or whatever other bits and bobs he uses when he is at yours.

You must have spent a fortune on him. If he is thoughtless in this area I would imagine he is thoughtless in others. Is he?

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 14:51

I think he should be contributing, but it does depend on a few factors:

  • What's his financial situation? Does he work or study? Does he pay any rent to his parents? Does he have debts? Is he saving for a deposit on a rental property or mortgage?
  • How long have you been together? Do you have any plans to move in together at any point in the future?
  • Do you rent or own your place? Do you have housemates?
Original poster
83mummypig · 28/01/2016 14:58

Sea cabbage he's extremely thoughtful. More than I ever thought possible - more than my ex was by far. When I was ill, he stayed up all night with me and in the early hours went to get me supplies as I was so ill.

OP posts:
Original poster
83mummypig · 28/01/2016 15:02

Anotheremma he has a job. It's not exactly high paying but it's pretty standard in this part of the country.

He pays £350 rent and also gives maintenance to his ex of £250 a month. His kids stay with him at his parents house, not mine. He is waiting for a rental property - they are in short supply, but he's not saving for anything in particular.

It started off with the odd night, but Hes been staying over for about 6 months now properly. We plan to move in later in the year.

OP posts:
DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 28/01/2016 15:06

He's moving in by stealth and has set a precedent of not contributing.

I'm assuming he's a reasonably intelligent chap. He knows that staying with you and being fed and watered costs you money, don't kid yourself that he doesn't. He just chooses not to address that.

SeaCabbage · 28/01/2016 15:09

I wonder how he can be so thoughtful in some areas but not in this one then? Strange.

You may have to have a straight chat with him. Just state that paying all the time for your joint meals, drink, etc adds up and it doesn't seem fair. If you say it calmly and in a way which is because you want it sorted out, hopefully he will see your point! How could he argue?!

Does he really not pay more in any other area for you?

wonderingsoul · 28/01/2016 15:11

Me n dp don't live together but he stays over mine more then we do his. Never has the chat about money or stuff with him but he will naturally put money on gas metre or electric meter if we're shopping he'll pay some times or give me money towards it, if I need something like a light hel go get one. So I would say yes he should be.

Could be it hasn't crossed he's mind and will be more considerate of it in future or he'll not agree to it only way is to talk to him about it

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 15:15

The maintenance is irrelevant really, that's calculated according to his income, and it allows him plenty left over to cover his own living expenses.

He definitely needs to contribute at least something towards living costs when he's with you. If you have a mortgage I don't think he should be contributing to that, but he should be paying something towards rent, food and utility bills. If you want to be specific about the sums, you could do it on a pro rata basis - ie he pays 43% because he's with you 3 nights a week. But I think it's more important to agree an amount you're both happy with.

If he feels money is tight perhaps he could consider talking to his parents about paying them slightly less, since he is only there 4 nights a week. However, his children stay there too, so he needs to bear that in mind - his rent covers their expenses too.

I advise you to discuss finances and agree you will split mortgage/rent and bills before you move in together full-time.

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 15:17

Correction: agree how you will split costs

juststoppit · 28/01/2016 15:24

He doesn't sound like a bad 'un to me. Maybe thoughtless in this particular aspect of your relationship, though. I reckon that when you mention it to him, he'll be sorry that it never occurred to him and will happily chip in.

YANBU, so have a chat.

TheNaze73 · 28/01/2016 15:28

I agree with juststoppit, he's probably not realised. Call him out on it & I don't think you'll have a problem

Original poster
83mummypig · 28/01/2016 15:30

Thank you so much for your replies, I thought I might have been accused of money grabbing. It's just a bit irritating as money has been tight for me following the extra expenses.

He really is thoughtful. If we go to the cinema, bowling etc, he will often pay and then I'd pay for food, so our activities are always shared.

I did a few calculations and I'm thinking £25/30 a week is probably a fair amount. Covering all the things he uses whilst here, washing machine, gas, electric, food, drink, Internet, TV etc.

OP posts:
anyoldname76 · 28/01/2016 15:32

i think if you mentioned it he would contribute, he probably hasnt even thought about it. if you get any benefits though this might affect them

Original poster
83mummypig · 28/01/2016 15:34

Actually I think I would feel uncomfortable asking for that much so maybe £20. Instead of it being an income I might just get him to do a food shop or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
83mummypig · 28/01/2016 15:34

Actually I think I would feel uncomfortable asking for that much so maybe £20. Instead of it being an income I might just get him to do a food shop or something.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 28/01/2016 15:35

Why not just say

We are getting a kitty purse and I will put in £140 and you can put in £60 each week or fortnight that way we can shop, eat out put fuel in the car and its equal for both.

Works out £20 per night each in the kitty....

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 15:36

I think it should be £30/week minimum. You need to be comfortable talking about money and living expenses, and who is paying for what, if you are going to stay in the relationship and live together at some point!

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 15:36

ivykaty The kitty idea is a good one

SeaCabbage · 28/01/2016 15:39

I think it needs to be informal. No talk of rent or anything like that.

As you said, OP, for food, drink, gas and electric. That's fair enough. If you totted up the food and drink I bet it would be at least £30 a week.

Whatever amount you decide, personally I would ask for that as cash so that it is simple and clear.

And make sure he still pays half when you are out because that is extra expenses.

Jan45 · 28/01/2016 15:42

Sorry I also agree that he knows you are providing for him and he's giving you nothing - you really shouldn't have to ask, it would be a cross for me against him I'm afraid - I mean would you stay with anyone else for free - no, he's using the fact you are his g/f to shy away from it.

If he has the cheek to not even offer then I am sure you are more than capable of telling him he needs to contribute - or else are you going to continue to pay to have him in your home - no, that would be silly.

Jan45 · 28/01/2016 15:53

And does he pay the petrol for using your car - bet he doesn't.

wannaBe · 28/01/2016 15:57

It sounds like he just hasn't thought rather than is deliberately not contributing. given he will pay for things and will buy groceries etc. You need to have a discussion.

I've never felt that I've had to ask my DP for money. He will often pay for groceries if we're out, or pay for meals, etc. You need to be able to talk about money, because money is one of the things which couples argue most about, so if you don't have good communication around it before you live together then you will struggle to come to an agreement if living together is on the cards.

peggyundercrackers · 28/01/2016 16:01

I would only get him to pay for food & drink. Surely your other costs haven't went up e.g. Your broadband isn't any more because he is staying 3 nights a week.

Have you agreed anything for when he moves in later in the year?

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 16:12

peggy
"I would only get him to pay for food & drink. Surely your other costs haven't went up"

  1. Haven't gone up
  2. He doesn't just eat and drink, does he? He sleeps, he has a shower, he watches TV, uses the Internet. He must use water and electricity, so if the OP has meters for those and pays for what she uses, then yes he is incurring extra costs. It would also be fair to contribute a small amount for other things he benefits from (heating, TV, Internet) even though it's not costing her extra.
  3. You forgot petrol. They're going out together so that cost should also be shared.
Jan45 · 28/01/2016 16:18

Petrol is an issue as the OP has to drive him as his car is unreliable - it's all sounding very one sided.

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