does your boyf contribute to your house?

[83mummypig]

If you don't live with your boyf but he stays with you regularly, does he contribute at all to your house?

Mine stays 3 times a week. The other 4 nights he stays at his parents (temporary measure).

When he's here I provide everything like food, drink, electric, gas etc. The amount for these have gone up since he's been staying. Should I be paying for this increase? Is it unreasonable to ask for a bit of money towards them? Also when we go anywhere I always have to drive as his car is unreliable.

When we go out (every other week) he usually pays or I suggest going halves.

If I asked him to go to asda, he would but I feel like I could only as for a couple of odd bits.

You just need to talk about it. WannaBe makes some great points about money & the future, which are very true. No need to be OTT, when I was in that situation previously, I wouldn't have dreamed of asking that but, when they moved in full time that was different

Thank you so much for your comments. We are seeing each other tomorrow so I'll bring it up informally. I don't think he'll think I'm being unreasonable.

A very good point about being able to discuss finances before living together. I know how good my finances are - they've had to be as a single parent - but other than his salary, I know nothing about his. So would be good to know his attitude to money also.

Do not let him move in if you don't feel comfortable (a) raising this and (b) telling him the correct amount.

Which is your issue not his, I'm not being negative about him. Why wouldn't he pay a fair amount?

Why isn't he moving in until later in the year? Are you not certain about it yet?

Bear in mind that your benefits will be affected when you move in together. If you lose your job he will be expected to support you and your child(ren) financially.

Very wise! Absolutely don't move in with someone if you don't know his he is with money!
Aren't the two biggest relationship flash points reported to be sex and money?
You need to know you're moving in someone with a compatible attitude.

I am kind of in this situation in that I don't live with my bf but he stays at mine between 2 and 4 days a week depending on what plans we have that week.

I don't ask him to contribute towards my mortgage or utilities and I don't really want him to at the moment. Those are my bills to pay and it's not like he swans in and out of the place like its his place. He isn't there if I'm not there kind of thing.

If we eat in we split the costs of food though and he notices and brings things I need eg loo roll etc. He'll also often arrive with a small gift eg flowers or choccies.

If I drive anywhere he'll always offer petrol money or eg treat me to lunch or something.

Hope this helps. Personally I wouldn't ask him for money towards bills etc you would be paying anyway since you are not at the point of living together yet. Food and petrol slightly different.

Also I think it's very rude to correct someone's grammar on a thread. Showing yourself up there.

I know it wasn't what you asked, so feel free to ignore. But he does seem to have drifted into staying, from how you describe it. Don't let him drift into moving in because it's cheaper for him than getting his own place! Presumably if he's at his parents and that was never a permanent arrangement then he hasn't been split that long from his ex. So it could be the easy option to move in with you.

OP I hope you will tell us how your chat went tomorrow?

I don't think you should ask him to pay for anything you already pay for. Working out how much a shower costs would be petty, imv. But yes, you could say that extra food costs are leaving you short.

It sounds as if he's trying indirectly to contribute to costs by wanting to pay for you when you're out - but you're short-circuiting this by finding a way to make it equal.

He may feel that offering you money to cover the cost of the nights he stays is a bit presumptuous, trying to put an ad hoc arrangement on a formal basis.

He could bring in a bag of groceries, he could buy a take away, he could get his own car fixed so the OP is not always driving him about.

Chances are he is staying at least 3 nights a week, probably more - why should the OP incur the cost of showers/food/petrol/clothes washing etc. Believe me I take in students and it all adds up.

Paying his way when out is not contributing, it's basic manners.

It's the fact he has not even offered that gets me, any decent person would at least offer to help.

OP is a single parent so won't have much anyway - I'd watch out OP with your council tax too, I'd check the rules re folk staying with you.

My boyfriend contributes nothing to my household. I cook dinner for him a couple of times a week and he stays. I also produce the wine.

However, he is overly generous outside the house. I don't really notice a huge amount the extra mouth to feed or water bill. But I would notice paying for a meal out etc. he pays 9/10 for meals out, he pays 2/3rds of holidays, most of the weekends away. My Christmas presents from him cost three or four times mine to him, and I also get random presents through the year for no real reason (a tablet for uni, a jacket for running, a pair of boots for work)

He appreciates every meal and glass of wine. But contributing to my household would be wrong imo, so we share monies this way instead.

My dp stays over 3/4 nights a week and then has his DCs the other half of the week at his own house. He obviously has his own mortgage and bills to pay at his own house so he doesn't save much staying here, especially as he has a lodger so heating etc is still on at his house when he's not there.

He pays me £150 a month towards food, loo roll and general household expenses! It started off as a payment towards a credit card which had joint expenditure on it (holiday) and then once it was paid off he decided to keep the direct debit as a contribution to my expenses.

He will also pay for most meals for the two of us, although I do insist on paying sometimes too as I don't want to take the piss. I will buy him deodorant, shaving foam etc, pick up food he likes when shopping etc, just as I would if he lived here (he has special dietary requirements so they are things specifically for him and are often more expensive than normal).

He bought a new tv for my house as we spend a lot of time watching it, but I felt a bit uneasy about that so gave him about 40% towards it (all I could spare at the time). We treat finances very much as we would if we lived together I think. We are very relaxed about sharing money but still have our own accounts.

If we all go out with both sets of DCs I will drive so that we can all fit in one car and will usually go halves if we go out for dinner, as it costs a small fortune for all of us! I think we have a good balance and while, on paper he has a well paid job and I am on a low income, we actually end up with a similar amount of disposable income somehow!

I have been thinking the exact same thing about my BF today. He stays 4 nights a week and uses my car more than I do and pays nothing towards it. I think I need to have a chat with him too

If I were you I wouldn't want to ask for £20 a week. I would just ask him to do a shop for the few days he's there, and let him pay when you go out for dinner or to the cinema.

I think thymeout has a good point though which is that it would be slightly presumptuous at this stage for him to take it upon himself to start paying towards bills. You don't actually live together. I wouldn't want my bf doing that yet. This is my house and until we make an actual decision to live together then he is my guest here. I don't want him treating the place like its his place until we make a positive decision to commit to living together. I also don't just want to fall in to living together - I want it to be a conscious choice.

You can even it up a bit by letting him pay for more when you are out.

My partner used to give me half towards my food shopping, contribute towards petrol as we always used my car (his car is used for work and not always clean inside) he would also pay for meals out and extra bits too.
He always offered because he stayed at my house quite a bit. He also used to cook (still does) a lot of our meals so would buy ingredients.

He now lives with me and pays rent.

Hmmmmmm this has given me food for thought. My BF has his children 50% so is at his house for half the month, the other half (well 12-14 nights a month) he is at mine. We both own a property but don't live together due to location and children's schools etc. He earns 3x as much as me yet very rarely buys any food shopping while at

...mine!

In a similar situation but i am the one who stays at DP's house 3/4 nights a week, mostly just me but also with my DC's when they are not with their Dad. When I am there we split all shopping/petrol/meals out etc 50/50. We earn roughly the same amount so that works. We have bought each ofher bits and bobs for our houses and take turns for meals out etc. We have the opposite argument (well not really argument) but we argue over who owes who money because we are both so conscious of not wanting the other to think we are sponging off each other! I think you should talk about it imwith him because, as said upthread, if you can't talk about money with him, moving in is not a good idea.

I wouldn't dream of asking someone to pay towards bills if they stayed over a few times a week. How much electric can he be using over and above what you would use?

However I would not be feeding him. He should be turning up with food and/or drink for you both a couple of times a week and contributing towards petrol.