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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally

30 replies

Roosterbooster · 27/01/2016 01:23

So...been lurking for ages. My DH of 25 yrs has started a relationship with ..an ex girlfriend who became a family friend and we made her godmother to our daughter. He met up last year and they slept together in a hotel.
I found ouy. Confronted and we went to counselling for 8 months or so. He reckoned I was boring etc. I'd stopped working after 9 years of marriage to look after kids. Had to do IVF as he was infertile.Moved around then 5 times...ending up in Scotland 3 yrs ago because of his job. Job had v unsocial hours and we were no where near family. We have 2 daughters. Now found out he's struck up relationship again. Texting her and trying to meet...now am guilty of trying the pick me dance. Sexy lingerie etc. Also supporting his Mum who is very ill. Can't make up mind to split or not. He's still texting her under different name and doesn't know I know...

OP posts:
Original poster
Roosterbooster · 27/01/2016 01:24

Please advise..

OP posts:
Mabelface · 27/01/2016 01:26

Gather up your self respect and end this relationship. You deserve much more than this.

Original poster
Roosterbooster · 27/01/2016 01:36

Scared as SAHM and 52 yrs old.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 27/01/2016 01:38

He's having his cake and eating it. He's got her turning cartwheels for him and you doing backbends to please him.

Reclaim your power - and your pride - by telling him to sling his hook leave while you consider whether you want to remain married to an ageing lothario who appears to think he's god's gift. For good measure, I also suggest you tell him you've got no intention of wasting the sexy lingerie you bought in the misguided hope that it would impress him as what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

You need time apart to work out you want to continue this marriage knowing that you'll never be able to trust him again.

Original poster
Roosterbooster · 27/01/2016 01:48

That makes so much sense. Why am I paralysed and taking screen shots of his texts? Don't want to rock my daughters world. Have a hol booked early Feb for all 4 of us.
. Keep thinking one more good time together will sort things

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 27/01/2016 01:50

work out whether you want continue etc...

50 is the new 30 and it's time for you to think about your future options which may involve retraining, attending back to work courses, or starting your own business.

The future's ahead - make it fulfilling for you and your dds.

goddessofsmallthings · 27/01/2016 01:54

Keep thinking one more good time together will sort things

As it's booked you may as well go, but don't have high expectations of this forthcoming holiday as the triumph of hope over experience rarely results in peace of mind.

Hang on to the screenshots as they'll be evidence of his unreasonable behaviour when you file a petition to divorce.

Original poster
Roosterbooster · 27/01/2016 01:55

Have been fixated on how he could betray me like that. Now have processed it and am mad at the lies. It's a big leap to go it alone but think I'll need to as will never trust him. Wish I'd stayed in a job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roosterbooster · 27/01/2016 02:03

Thanks for replies. Really helpful to see other people's thoughts. Know he's being deceitful to me but hard to break after 25 yrs. Also have kids. Think money is my main concern.

OP posts:
Friendlystories · 27/01/2016 02:04

Is the thought of being on your own really worse than being with someone you can't trust? Yes the thought of leaving him is scary and daunting like any big change but we adjust quicker and more easily than we think we will in most cases and at least you wouldn't have that constant worry of when whether he's going to betray you again. Living with that mistrust and insecurity is awful and you will probably always feel that way, a life without him might be hard to begin with but at least you would have the chance of finding someone you can trust or being happy just you and your girls whereas if you stay with him you could be stuck in this rut forever.

Friendlystories · 27/01/2016 02:07

Sorry OP, cross posted with you. Time to start looking into what your position would be if you split, what's your housing situation? Have you checked what benefits and maintenance you would be entitled to? It might not be as dire as you think Flowers

goddessofsmallthings · 27/01/2016 02:08

Your time was productively spent raising your lovely dds and the skills you learned during those years will be used in the workplace when you decide what field you want to work in.

Get good and mad at his lies and deception and don't hesitate to let him know that you've got divorce in mind before you embark on this holiday.

While it may appear to be a big leap to go it alone, I've got no doubt you'll flourish and will soon be of the mind that your life is far better without him than it was with him.

Original poster
Roosterbooster · 27/01/2016 02:12

Know you're right. Have been v stressed since I found out. So shocked that he could shag family friend and DD godmother. I'm now constantly checking his phone to see any messages. He's still contracting her but has her under another name in address book.

OP posts:
newname99 · 27/01/2016 02:31

It's understandable that you are scared however most women survive and thrive after a separation.I dont think its the same apllies for men, especially those who have an affair as they are so carried away with the OW that they don't value (until its too late) what they have lost.
The lack of respect and way he is treating you has impacted your confldence.Once you separate you will rebuild in a way you can't imagine.

Use your knowledge in this period of time to your advantage.See a solicitor, get a handle on your joint finances and plan your support network.

I don't think you can fix it solely, he is in the affair bubble and not likely to tell you the truth.He needs to lose you (not the threat of losing you) to even have a chance of waking up to reality.

My friend separated 4 years ago, similar age, 3 children and SAHM.She is happy with her life and the finances are in a good place.Her contribution to the family was recognised.Her ex is still with OW but miserable as he has lost more than he gained.
Your children will cope, its not your choice this is happening and you should not be forced to tolerate an affair for their sake.All children need strong mothers who show them how to build and maintain relationship boundaries.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2016 02:35

Where do you want to be in 10 years? Or rather WHO do you want to be? A frightened woman living on emotional crumbs from the table of a man who is having a banquet? The housekeeper, nanny, and 'mercy shag' for this man? The woman he looks at and thinks 'I wish she wasn't here'? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

Or do you want to be the proud woman eating a good meal at her own table in her own home, even if that home is a flat, not a detached house. The woman who refused to 'take care' of a man who did not respect her. The mother of strong independent young women who know how to be independent and will take no less than respect and equality in a partner.

It's not easy. It's not painless. And it's not to say that your 'standard of living' might not suffer a bit. But my God, how free your spirit will be!

wotoodoo · 27/01/2016 02:56

Use this time productively, see a solicitor, can you set up a separate bank account which you can start syphoning off/protecting your finances?

Get copies of all relevant documents and put them somewhere safe.

Once you have some degree of control back and know your options it's up to you how to plan your next move.

Some women stay with a cheat because they would rather share him than lose him but the toll on their emotional and physical health might be just too great. Just don't beg and plead, no man is worth that level of doglike devotion. If it gets to that you are better off seeking counsellling.

Other women become empowered telling the cheat where to go and start afresh with their pride and dignity intact.

No one will judge you which option you take. The ball is in your court. You have dds so how you plan your next move will be a life lesson for them.

Good luck op Flowers

Friendlystories · 27/01/2016 03:01

You will find massive support and excellent practical advice from women who've been where you are on here Rooster, don't be afraid to keep posting and asking questions along the way if it helps Flowers

goddessofsmallthings · 27/01/2016 03:28

The ow is clearly unsuited to the role of godmother to any dc.

Despicable behaviour from the pair of them. He's not worthy of you and they deserve each other.

OldestStory · 27/01/2016 04:50

I am in a similar situation and up trying to pluck up the courage to end it once and for all tomorrow after months of uncertainty.

It's horrible.

janaus · 27/01/2016 05:42

My advice, is to keep a journal, your feelings, and what you have discovered, dates if possible. So if he tries to bamboozle you, down the track, you have a clear record of it.

choceclair123 · 28/01/2016 23:08

Fear of the unknown, that's what's stopping you. Believe me, I left my eldest child's father many moons ago (for different reasons). The first week was the worst, scared, worried, upset, anxious. But do you know what I felt free! The first step is often the hardest. I actually quite enjoyed the hassle free time spent in my own home, with my child on my own terms.

You could end up being in the same situation as you are now in 10 years time. Now that would be awful!

Think of it as the end of one chapter and the start of a new and happier chapter in your life. It's not a rehearsal, you only get one life Thanks

Jux · 29/01/2016 08:35

You know what, Rooster? A very dear friend of mine got married just over a year ago. She was 66 and her new husband 69. They are one of the most content and happy couples I've been lucky enough to know.

It's never too late. You can make a whole new, happy life for yourself, you are not too old to start a new career if you want to - you have many transferable skills.

But, you will never find the new life if you don't get rid of the old one.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 29/01/2016 08:41

What an idiot he is being. 52 isn't old though. I'm 46 and feel better than ever. How old are your kids? If they are over 5, I have a great business idea you can do from home. And it's good money. If you split up, you do know you can get half his Pension? Only you get money in lieu. So, if you sell marital home, you get much more cash than him. x

Kirk123 · 29/01/2016 10:43

Hi rooster , I am walking your journey too , 10 months after I found out my h was having an affair with a 41 yr old at work she has two dc 6 and 11 , our dc 25 and 20 both don't live with me 😢 he moved around the corner into a flat , he kept lying , didn't turn up at relate , I ended it fully in summer , I will be divorced in 6 weeks , having counselling at work , kids struggling to even talk to him , he is now nearly living with her and her kids , breaks my heart for my kids , I was still doing pick me dance at times even last week ! I have never written on here before , however these discussions are saving me , we don't deserve men like this rooster , I invested 31 years in us , renewed our vows at our silver wedding in 2014 !! Always worked , we were a great partnership we brought up kids and cooked , cleaned , looked after our family well . He was 50 last May and ? It's mid life like your h , but I am 50 this year and working hard to find my authetic self rooster , as must you do , it been cathartic writing this message to you ❤️

Kirk123 · 29/01/2016 10:45

Thanks jux , I hope I too will find a happy ending with a trustworthy man x