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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband drinking and lying - call it quits?

51 replies

likkyli · 25/01/2016 23:15

After an evening in hospital with a poorly relative, Ive come home to a bog eyed drunk H, no longer DH as despite numerous times being told he'll stop, it hasn't. I'd forgotten my house keys and was ringing the house phone and his mobile - he told me he couldnt hear it, both were right fucking by him!!

I don't want this, to be married to someone who sneakily buys booze and drinks until they're intoxicated. DC upstairs asleep but what if they'd been ill?

I'm really really scared to be on my own as I'm currently a SAHM but to me drinking is like cheating. Will he change, will he stop? I'm torn as being on my own is frightening (currently on ADs) but I can't be married to a drunk bum.

OP posts:

Original poster

likkyli · 25/01/2016 23:18

It just keeps happening, I know his job is pressurising and keeps roof over our head but no excuse for necking a whole bottle of vodka. I'm so angry but tired.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/01/2016 23:18

I don't know him.

Do you think he will ever change or stop?

How long has he not changed and not stopped, as far as you know?

Original poster

likkyli · 25/01/2016 23:28

Thanks for replying runrabbit - this has been going on a while, few years I believe, last year it got worse in terms of the secrecy, him lying/ crying and the amount of vodka.

He has said he'll stop but stress seems to kickstart it, it's the deceit I hate, especially with my current anxiety for my relative.

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ColdTeaAgain · 25/01/2016 23:30

If he could stop would you be happy with him?

Finola1step · 25/01/2016 23:35

The lying and sneaking booze would be a deal breaker for me, I think.

But was he getting absolutely pissed when in sole charge of your dc? Deal breaker right there.

FWIW, I like a drink. A nice glass of wine. Lovely. I have no problem with others enjoying alcohol.

But if he was so drunk that he couldn't hear phones next to him, then would he have heard a child crying/ vomiting? Or the smoke alarm? That possibility would make me feel sick to the very bottom of my stomach.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. Do not minimise. You are right to be angry.

HotterWok · 25/01/2016 23:36

Do you remember that Simpsons episode where they talk about hiding alcohol, using it to escape from reality etc? He possibly needs help? If he has a big conversion and becomes a better person then keep him, otherwise you know what to do...

MistressMerryWeather · 25/01/2016 23:38

If he has an addiction then there is help out there for him. It's up to him to stop though, you can't make him.

Unless he is ready to take it to the next step and see a professional you really don't have a choice but to leave, he needs to understand that.

Would you feel better about it if he were getting help?

Sorry about your relative, I'm sure you are your wits end.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2016 23:40

Time to call it a day

he gets ratarsed as soon as you are out of the house whe he is meant to be looking after his kids ?

Surely a deal breaker ?

Let him reach his bottom and perhaps he wil get help on his own account. You cannot help him, you can only save yourself and your kids

TheNaze73 · 25/01/2016 23:43

Think you need to get to the root cause of why he's doing it. Not making excuses for him by any stretch but, something has clearly driven him to it

AnyFucker · 25/01/2016 23:44

it's not up to op to analyse him

only a professional can do that

op's responsibility is to herself and her kids and it sounds like they are not safe with him either physically or emotionally

MistressMerryWeather · 25/01/2016 23:47

Just realised I worded that post horribly.

Obviously you don't have to leave, he needs to go if he won't sort himself out.

Original poster

likkyli · 25/01/2016 23:55

Thanks all for your replies. I don't think I can help him as I've tried before and I've read that people with drink problems need to sort themselves. I don't know what route cause is, could be a number of things. Too angry to care as his behaviour was unbelievable.

If he stopped drinking I'm not sure I would stay, I think as his job pays well I've become dependant on that and not our relationship. I suppose I found him attractive at Christmas but the drinking and constant lying are so unattractive, 10 years together and I'm thinking I need to call it quits but I'm so frightened to take that leap, particularly as I'm not working due to my mental illness.

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ColdTeaAgain · 25/01/2016 23:57

I think you've answered your own question likkyli

Original poster

likkyli · 25/01/2016 23:57

I want him to leave, he's on the couch flat out, I feel physically sick the thought of him being near me I'm so mad at him lying about the phones not hearing and the state he was in.

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Original poster

likkyli · 26/01/2016 00:00

Thanks coldtea, yes I have..as a SAHM I'm clueless about separation stuff and my fear with regards to my MH but I can't go on like this.

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ColdTeaAgain · 26/01/2016 00:03

I strongly suspect your mental health will improve with him out of the picture.

You are already being strong by facing up to the fact you need to do this for you and your DC.

Original poster

likkyli · 26/01/2016 00:03

I'm tired now so going to turn in, I appreciate your support MNers even if I do feel angry and a bit shit. I'll post tomorrow as I need advice with regards next steps if we separate. I suppose I should hear his excuse tomorrow too?

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Original poster

likkyli · 26/01/2016 00:05

I so hope you're right coldtea, thank you. At the moment it doesn't feel that way😢, it feels scary.

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AnyFucker · 26/01/2016 00:06

he wouldn't have heard the dc then ?

disgusting, unforgiveable behaviour

AnyFucker · 26/01/2016 00:06

oh dear. already you are prepared to listen to his "excuses"

there is no excuse

ColdTeaAgain · 26/01/2016 00:08

Of course it feels scary, but that's ok, sometimes we have to do scary things to make life better.

Please do come back, I'm sure you will get lots of practical advice and support here.

Hope you manage to sleep ok

BoxofSnails · 26/01/2016 03:08

I am an alcoholic - now in recovery for most of the last 3 1/2 years. I lost my beautiful daughter for drinking like your DH. I was getting help but it is a vicious illness, an insanity, and a destructive thief. I could not stop and rightfully DD had to be removed because she was not safe. I miss her,grieve for and regret the past and am lucky to be here as the despair once it was finished was so great. Her wellbeing came first though, and the local authority did not think I would ever get well. Nor did I really.

Your DH is that same risk to your DC. And he can't truly be a partner in your relationship because the bottle comes first. Even if he doesn't mean for it to, or denies it. I don't know your DH but I do know that people from a walks of life are affected by alcoholism and if, and it's quite a big IF, they manage sustained recovery (not just being dry) they can become the person you knew and more.

You can't do it for him. He, from what you say, is like me. Cutting down will ultimately fail as it will still mess with his head and be his primary relationship. He needs abstinence. You leaving may in fact help with that. It might not. Regardless the biggest risk factor in becoming an alcoholic is having a parent that's an alcoholic. Is that nature or nurture? - probably both. You can't change their genetics but you can remove them from the environment.

I'm sure others will help you thru the legal process and how to prevent him having the DC overnight if he isn't sober. Thinking of you, such a hard place for you to be.

Original poster

likkyli · 26/01/2016 06:38

I woke up and went to tell him we need to separate. Basically I received a mouthful of vitriol that as he has decided to see a GP, how can there be a problem with our relationship, and after him supporting me with my depression/ issues, I am the selfish one. He said he was shocked at my attitude as to why can't I support him? I said I would but not in a relationship when he is like this, he then told me to go away as he couldn't believe what he was hearing and that if that was my attitude to go away. I am angry but feeling battled/ talked down again.

boxofsnails sorry to hear what happened with your daughter and your condition, I don't think he recognises what's happening, his stubborn attitude is kicking in and as usual this is all about me...this is going to wear me down again and no one to talk to in RL as everyone thinks I'm so lucky to have him and he is perfect husband.

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Aussiebean · 26/01/2016 06:41

There is supporting and enabling. By staying and putting up with what he is doing, you are enabling.

You will support him more if you make him face up to what he is doing.

StealthPolarBear · 26/01/2016 06:55

I'm guessing your depression never meant you wouldn't hear your daughter if she cried, or be in a position to pick her up in the smoke alarm rang?
And this is the absolute basics of parenting. Your daughter deserves better

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