Husband drinking and lying - call it quits?

[likkyli]

After an evening in hospital with a poorly relative, Ive come home to a bog eyed drunk H, no longer DH as despite numerous times being told he'll stop, it hasn't. I'd forgotten my house keys and was ringing the house phone and his mobile - he told me he couldnt hear it, both were right fucking by him!!

I don't want this, to be married to someone who sneakily buys booze and drinks until they're intoxicated. DC upstairs asleep but what if they'd been ill?

I'm really really scared to be on my own as I'm currently a SAHM but to me drinking is like cheating. Will he change, will he stop? I'm torn as being on my own is frightening (currently on ADs) but I can't be married to a drunk bum.

so that's his "excuse" is it ?

this is nothing to do with him, it's all your fault

you would be an absolute fool to carry on enabling him

who cares what everyone else thinks...not too many people are that stupid they don't realise that things can be very different behind closed doors

I would stop keeping his secret for him

OP

Drunk and in charge of DC's. NOT ok.
All it takes is one incident to happen when he was drunk and in charge and SS would be involved faster than you could blink. Heaven forbid something worse actually happened.

OP my father was an alcoholic. It's an awful disease/ addiction to suffer from. My mother stayed with him. If you think you can shield the DC's from him think again. It was awful living with him and his moods and his drunken rants. He tried a few times to clear his act up and again it was a miserable affair as it was evident that despite not drinking, the thought of drinking consumed his every waking thought. And we paid the price every day.

He never managed to stay off the bottle for longer than a couple of months. One of my good friends father on the flip side decided one day that he'd had enough and has never dropped a touch since. 25+ years later he is still dry. What I'm trying to say is anything is possible. But it has to be the choice of the person with the addiction.
And it's for them to unequivocally decide that a life like this is not ok. And that they have to stop. A very vital point (I think) is finding out if he enjoys drinking. IMO my dad never stopped drinking because he

A) enjoyed it
B) said he was never hurting anyone. He never admitted to having a problem. His exact words once were I enjoy a drink once in a while, I don't know why everyone has a problem.

Does your DH enjoy having a drink?

The fact that his response is anger to this morning isn't good. Don't allow him to minimise this OP, you have every right to be livid about this.

I also recommend that you contact a local group that supports family of alcoholics. They will be a huge source of support and also happy you understand more about the addiction and how you unwittingly could be enabling it.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

His primary relationship is with drink and has been for many years. It is not with you or your children. He is still paying lip service to the problem and is not at all serious. He is still in denial and blames you for his problems. Such men do not change readily if ever and you cannot make that change happen for him.

He cannot be at all left alone with your children any longer.

He could go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards; that would be nothing to do with you either. If he does leave the marital home (and I would suggest you get him out asap) then where he goes is really not your concern either.

I also think your mental health would also markedly improve if you were to properly separate. His behaviour may well be the root cause of your own depressed state.

Life with an alcoholic is absolutely no life for you and your children, you are basically lurching from crisis to crisis. Its never stable and secure. He may also lose his job due to his drinking problem at some stage, that is not beyond the realms of possibility here.

Talk to Al-anon; start opening up to people properly. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy.

Aussiebean's comment is also spot on:-
"By staying and putting up with what he is doing, you are enabling".

Enabling only gives you a false sense of control and does not help him either. You can only help your own self here and that you can certainly do.

This initial comment of yours is very telling:-

"I don't want this, to be married to someone who sneakily buys booze and drinks until they're intoxicated. DC upstairs asleep but what if they'd been ill?"

You state that you are afraid of being on your own but you're pretty much on your own now within this marriage. You are married to a drunkard. Staying within it will simply have you in a worse situation down the line and your children will also be far more aware of their drunkard for a dad (leaving them with a raft full of emotional problems linked to their dad's alcoholism).

Your own recovery from this will only pretty much start when you and he are finally apart.

I would also read up on co-dependency as this often features within relationships where alcoholism is a factor.

Hope you're feeling a bit better this morning OP. Did you manage to get any sleep? Hope the atmosphere isn't too bad.

Incredibly similar situation. I told DH I was leaving due to drink and infidelity, we went to a counsellor who straight away saw that DH is an alcoholic, and that he would only continue to see us if we BOTH stopped drinking. We haven't had a drink now in almost 3 months.

Sadly it was too late to save the marriage BUT life is so much better without drink. DH needed the shock to realise what alcohol had done to him, me, the kids and our finances to see what a problem it had become.

Good luck and be strong.

Thanks all, I slept ok I suppose. I'm just getting DC ready for school. I'm ignoring him, he's told me he's working from home but I've said no. It's really hard to get him to leave.. I know it will be as he's a stubborn shit and will try and convince me he'll change. If I say this is no good for the DC, he will emotionally blackmail me but I'm going to have to try and be strong. It's hard arguing with someone who is so stubborn and refuses to listen. In worse case, I'll be 'civil' but not sure how I'll make him leave.

I would seek legal advice re separation. Knowledge after all is power. He is not at all interested in addressing his alcoholism and is also now dragging you and his children down with him.

Some good posts here likkyli which I'm sure are food for thought for you. Particularly the PP who speaks of her experience of growing up with an alcoholic parent. You do not want that to be your DC too.

Do not allow him to make you feel guilty about giving him chances or that YOU need to help him recover. There are DC involved and that means the only option you have is to remove them and yourself from the situation. This is to protect them from not only the danger of being around someone so drunk they cannot take any responsibility but also the emotional damage he will cause them.

You need to teach your DC that women always have choice. They are not trapped by marriage once things have gone wrong. You have the freedom to change your destination. That lesson is crucial.

And I echo what AF says, stop keeping his secret. Start by telling someone close to you. You tell them your husband is an alcoholic and has been for a long time. You cannot trust him to care for your DC and need to leave. There is no shame in it. You did not make this happen and you are not responsible for fixing it. You will feel stronger if you share with someone in RL.

He's said he's going to go to a hotel tonight...I have gone from anger to fear and feeling alone and helpless. Some of you are very confident and strong, but although I can be like that my mind is now full of negative thoughts and anxiety.

coldtea I really can't talk to anyone as everyone will say it's me that driven him to drink, they all think he's the Messiah.

My mental mood is not good, coupled with both DC coming home saying they'd had bad days at school😢.

Just remember OP he is an adult, you really now need to concentrate on your children, they need you a lot more than he does, he's a big boy and knows exactly what he is doing, the fact he is in complete denial tells you all you need to know - it's time to separate, you'd be doing him a favour in the long run and definitely a good thing for you and your children.

I've never heard of anyone blaming the other person for someone's drink problems - not unless them themselves are alcoholic.

Nobody is saying it is going to be easy but you can't carry on like this, he is putting your life in limbo and that of your family, it's also dangerous to be in that state looking after kids, not on.

Of course you can talk about to others and should, it's time's like this when you need your family and friends.

You are going to tell him you want to stay together aren't you ?

I suggest you find the nearest meeting of Al Anon, set up to provide support for the families of alcoholics. Although don't let your husband look after his children, he cannot be trusted.

Let someone else babysit and tell them why. He is not "The Messiah". He is just a man with an alcohol problem that is damaging his family. So far, so fucking banal. There is nothing special about him so get him down off that pedestal. I suspect that when you stop keeping his dirty little secret and open up to people there will be a lot of "well we thought you two were strong so we didn't like to say anything...etc"

It's your anxiety and self esteem making you believe people will think like that OP. They won't, they honestly won't. You just explain you have never revealed the real him before but now enough is enough. Draw on the many examples I'm sure you must have when he has put your children at risk. People WILL understand.

I know someone who has recently divorced and has finally told everyone she was subjected to years of emotional abuse and when he started to treat her daughters the same it was the last straw. Her life always looked so perfect from the outside but that doesn't mean anyone thinks she is lying for a second.

If anyone does say they think you should continue to keep your children in the care of an alcoholic who can't even be trusted to answer a phone then they are not the people you listen to.

OP, we all believed you. We could absolutely picture the shitty way your husband is acting. You are underestimating the emotional intelligence of your friends and family and if I were one of them I would be almost offended by that.

Let them help you. Start talking. If they pooh-pooh you, then you talk to someone else who has more gumption.

My First dh was an alcoholic There's lots of times he wasn't there for me I won't list them all here but one was after I had a miscarriage and he went off to the pub - because HE was upset and needed a drink ...leaving me on my own.
He lied and hid his drinking and blamed it on everything and everyone but himself. I know now that he stole from things of mine and sold them for drink.
Everyone thought he was funny clever kind witty he was when he was sober and his mum blamed me - she even said I was "managing" him right.

Like yours, op he would shout and blame others and neutralise his drinking. He'd promise me he'd cut down and those times were awful. Walking on eggshells looking for signs in his eyes and behaviour -

it's not worth it. Life is too short. You cannot put your dcs lives at risk. You are worth more than this. You probably don't think this now as he's worn you down and you don't feel strong but you will become stronger every day.

Good luck op

His mum said I wasn't managing him right .....

He's gone to a hotel so he can have a bender in peace. Well, fair play to him - at least you aren't at risk from his drunken behaviour.

No-one 'drives' an alcoholic to drink. The only thing an alcoholic can be guaranteed to drive, in fact, is themselves directly to the next excuse to open a bottle. I can't imagine how anyone would really think you are to blame for the situation, although god knows people manage to find excuses why everything is women's fault. Start confiding in people and I think you will find there is a great deal more support for you out there.

Listen he's trying to turn it round and make it your problem. Blame you. Make everything your fault. He wants to be be able to feel sorry for himself and have no responsibility.

You cannot live like this anyone, I think you know that. You are fearing the change that is in front of you, totally expected and normal, change, the unknown is frightening. But can it be worse than now? Being repulsed by the man you are married to, being lied to, made to feel guilty, and knowing he cannot care for your children on his own.

You did not cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.

But you can leave him.

It's been over a week, he said he'd get help, I've seen no evidence of him attempting to, the GP said they couldn't help as he is not a typical alcoholic . My returning depression has rendered me helpless and incapable of kicking him out. I know AF will be very angry and despairing at my post, I'm finding this so difficult

I am so sorry you are in this shitty situation likkyli. You deserve better, your kids deserve better. Speak to women's aid, al anon, mind, the Samaritans. There is support out there. Yes alcoholism is an illness but this is also a corrosive abusive relationship which needs to change or end.
Even by coming on here and talking about your situation you are being very brave, and acknowledging there is a problem is the first steps to confronting and tackling it.
Hugs for you, and good luck x

You are depressed because of him. Seek out help from people in RL, Al-Anon and others.

Thanks Resilience16, I'm so torn and worn out. I will contact one or all the groups you've mentioned. I've felt like my head was crazy today and tonight.

Thanks Runrabbit. He is definitely a factor in my depression, probably a lot as my attraction waxes and wanes. He had a mouthful of wine he claims - I don't believe him as he is snoring downstairs on the couch.

Please tell someone in rl, you will feel stronger for it I promise

Did he go to the GP? Bit confused by Gp saying they can't help.

I am not at all angry. I am despairing though.

Nothing is going to change until you change it. Your call.