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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Last night ex DH's partner texted me to ask if ex DH had ever been abusive to me..

41 replies

lincolnshirelassy · 25/01/2016 11:04

....just that, really.

He had, physically and emotionally, we've been divorced for ten years and I'm re-married. I told her the truth as it seemed like the right thing to do and she was grateful for that. Sounds like there was a huge bust up and she is staying with friends.

The issue that is worrying me though, is we have two girls together, I know he has anger issues and if their relationship is on the rocks my experience with him suggests he will be quite unstable right now. The girls are due to spend this weekend with him. So...do I let him have his contact weekend as usual and hope all will be ok, should I be honest with him and say he has to see the girls under my supervision for now, or do I suddenly invent an excuse as to why they can't come this weekend in order to buy me some time whilst I assess the situation??

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 25/01/2016 11:06

When you say he will be unstable, can you be more specific about how that might impact on your DDs?

If he is likely to be verbally abusive to them or in front of them (or god forbid physically) then I would personally want to keep them away.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 25/01/2016 11:07

There's a lot of lurgy going around this time of year, don't you think?...

ineedabodytransplant · 25/01/2016 11:08

Personally I would choose any option that kept my children safe first and foremost. Nothing and nobody would matter more.

Fourormore · 25/01/2016 11:08

Are the children at risk? If so, how?
You'd be on dodgy ground insisting that contact was under your supervision based on what you've posted.

NNalreadyinuse · 25/01/2016 11:10

If there is any chance he will be abusive towards or in front of your dc, then keep him away from them. Can you phone his partner and find out what has happened as this may impact on your children's welfare. A row between them is one thing, but if he has been violent that is something else.

forumdonkey · 25/01/2016 11:10

How old are your Dc's

whatdoIget · 25/01/2016 11:13

I would make an excuse and assess the situation. It's great that you're in contact with his wife so hopefully she can tell you how he is

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 25/01/2016 11:15

How old are the girls? At least in their early teens? Surely that's old enough for them to choose not to go? Would you be able to apprise them that their father might be in a bad place at the moment (in a neutral way, without specifics), and perhaps they might want to opt out this weekend?

Original poster

lincolnshirelassy · 25/01/2016 11:16

He has been very unpleasant to the girls in the past, on at least one occasion he has pushed my elder DD. By unstable I mean he really does fly off the handle, gets very angry, has been known to throw things and has hit and pushed me in the past as well as been verbally abusive. So I am not just going from what has happened with his partner, I know when things go wrong for him he tends to 'lose it'.

DD's are 12 and 15 so not babies. But DD lost her boyfriend to suicide two months ago so I am extra protective, she needs a stable environment right now. Plus her behaviour is quite challenging at the moment due to anger related to her grief, so if she kicks off and he is not in the right frame of mind to deal with it calmly that worries me.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 25/01/2016 11:17

what preemptive said ^^

Loads of tummy bugs etc round at the moment.

Original poster

lincolnshirelassy · 25/01/2016 11:17

I have asked his partner to keep me in the loop about his state of mind and explained my worries to her, I am sure she will.

OP posts:

BrienneofQarth · 25/01/2016 11:18

Based on your last post, your dd is far too fragile to cope with him if he flies off the handle right now. I would come up with an excuse for them not to visit to be honest.

Original poster

lincolnshirelassy · 25/01/2016 11:21

Yes, I'm thinking they might be ill, just until I can work out what is going on. Older DD has exams at the moment too, so that is adding to her stress, plus last time she was there her and her dad had a big argument and she ended up going to my mum's (I was away for the weekend). So she's not that keen to go anyway.

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 25/01/2016 11:29

Your poor dd.

I would come up with an excuse - illness is probably best. No point inflaming him more.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/01/2016 11:29

D&V is always a good option. Keep your girls safe from potential harm (mental or physical). Especially your DD1 doesn't need that added shit in her life just now.

Fourormore · 25/01/2016 11:31

Are your children happy to lie to their father, if you go with that option?

Original poster

lincolnshirelassy · 25/01/2016 11:34

Four yes I've been mulling that over. Elder DD would have no problem with it. Younger one would struggle, and I feel bad asking them to lie, but I think it might still be the best option.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 25/01/2016 11:40

It sounds like he has a problem with women full stop, and your girls are becoming women.

Your daughter's anger may also be related to DH's behaviour, if she had to leave his house previously, not solely her bf's suicide.

Twinklestein · 25/01/2016 11:41

I wouldn't let him anywhere near them personally, but they're not my kids.

TheTigerIsOut · 25/01/2016 11:42

Is there anyone, apart from the partner, that can let you know how "stable" he looks at the moment?

It may be that their relationship has gone to the dogs, but it may be that he is managing well. Given his background, I'm sure you don't want a big fall out over contact if things are relatively ok, as this may have repercussions for future arrangements.

But I understand completely why you feel the need to protect your DDs from his moods at this time.

spudlike1 · 25/01/2016 11:46

Protect the children , make something up tummy bug etc .
One weekend off isn't going to harm long term relationships.
follow your instincts .

cestlavielife · 25/01/2016 11:48

older dd can decide not to go. if she chooses not to go dont make her.
she has enough stress and if dad is stressing her more, let her stay home.

if youngest wants to go, let her, she is old enough to call/text you if she needs to be picked up.

dont lie.

why dont you be honest and email him saying "i've heard from your p that you've split up. so I think it would be best it the dds stay home this weekend to give you some time to yourself".

how he responds will give you clues as to his state of mind eg if v angry etc .

AnyFucker · 25/01/2016 11:50

Why not tell him the truth ? You are keeping the girls away because you are aware something has gone down and you don't trust him around them.

Original poster

lincolnshirelassy · 25/01/2016 12:02

cest and any I had considered this as an option too, but probably need to see if the split is permanent before I decide.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 25/01/2016 12:06

Their relationship is none of your business except when it impacts on your daughters well being

Personally, from what you have said, I think you have already made too many compromises in his favour wrt facilitating contact

If you have concerns, then do not let them go. It is as simple as that. Any fall out is as a consequence of his behaviour.

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