Last night ex DH's partner texted me to ask if ex DH had ever been abusive to me..

[lincolnshirelassy]

....just that, really.

He had, physically and emotionally, we've been divorced for ten years and I'm re-married. I told her the truth as it seemed like the right thing to do and she was grateful for that. Sounds like there was a huge bust up and she is staying with friends.

The issue that is worrying me though, is we have two girls together, I know he has anger issues and if their relationship is on the rocks my experience with him suggests he will be quite unstable right now. The girls are due to spend this weekend with him. So...do I let him have his contact weekend as usual and hope all will be ok, should I be honest with him and say he has to see the girls under my supervision for now, or do I suddenly invent an excuse as to why they can't come this weekend in order to buy me some time whilst I assess the situation??

I agree with Anyfucker, tell him the truth. It's nit like he can cause you any harm now, as you have a new husband and bully's like him aren't keen on confronting men. If he does try to cause trouble, phone the police. Has his partner contacted the police, to tell them that he's been physical aggressive or threatening with her?

If you don't want to go down that route, you could tell him you want to give 'him' a break, because you heard he was having relationship difficulties. Would stick in my throat to say that to the shit, bug it might be easier and that way your youngest doesn't have to lie. If he pushes it, then tell him the unadulterated truth.

any I know that. What I meant is, if they haven't spilt up for good and ex DH's partner was going to be there this weekend I would feel easier about letting them go as I know she would make sure they're ok.

I suppose I am also cautious about being honest with him in case he goes off in a rage at her for contacting me, as there is no other way I could've known they had split.

If you do decide to go down the route of sickness, then there is another option, regarding the wee one having difficultly lying. You could always take her temperature and tell her it's a little high so you'd like her to stay home. I know that sounds a bit distasteful, but in this circumstances something needs to be done and the wee soul won't have to lie.

Bollocks to lying, why would you protect an abusive man from the consequences of his actions? Why involve your daughters in an untruth? What message does that give them?

Tell him the truth, and if he kicks off you're justified in keeping them away from him for at least the time being.

Btw - I didn't mean tell him what the current gf asked - that would break her confidence and potentially put her in danger.

But you just say you have concerns about his behaviour and it's for the best that the girls don't see him this weekend.

I would tell the truth too. If he reacts angrily then really he's only proving your point that he can't think and act relationally.
As one daughter has already been through a horrible experience you are absolutely right to protect them and be cautious.
A leopard really cannot change its spots can it? My ex has been violent in all his relationships.

Mrs I said exactly the same to DH last night about a leopard not changing its spots. I really thought exDH had though, he seemed to have been better since his new partner came on the scene.

Not worth even trying to speculate his possible frame of mind - the partner's text has obviously rung alarm bells for you and you can't take any risks. Invent an excuse - find out more info and take time to consider what to do next.

I would be inclined to tell the truth, but first let his current partner know that you're thinking of doing that so she knows what's potentially coming.

If, for example, she was planning on getting some of her stuff this weekend, maybe you could just tell a lie and say the kids are poorly, so she doesn't bear the full brunt of it.

Keep talking to the GF and assess as you go. I would be inclined to agree with your thinking that you don't want to put her in danger. Whilst you may not tell him it was her who told you he's going to figure it out pretty quick.

I think illness is the way to go until you get a better idea of what's going on.

I don't think she should refer to the breakup as I said above.

But I think she should be honest that she has concerns about his behaviour, specifically that eldest dd had to leave the house. And explain that eldest dd is very fragile at the moment.

I reckon dd's challenging behaviour at the moment is likely to be at least in part due to her father's own behaviour, not just the passing of her BF.

I know it's depressing. I think change is only possible if someone admits there behaviour and seeks proper help
I think it's good of you to give the new partner info btw. Obvs she needs to be careful in case he realises you are in contact

I wouldn't send either of them - and tbh as they are now of an age where they can decide whether to see him or not, he really doesn't have much choice.

As much as I feel sorry for your abusive ex's GF, she is the grown up here

I would not be putting her safety above that of my children.

To try and find a way to protect them both, however, I would tell her what you are going to do so she has prior warning. Then what she does is her own lookout.

Thanks for the replies. I am meeting her either tomorrow or Wednesday for a coffee. Will keep you posted.

"better since his new partner came on the scene."

see, I am sure when you were with him and had babies with him you thought he was fine, right? so he just following a pattern...

whether split is permanent or not doesn't matter; something has happened and your past experience leads you to believe he wont suddenly put his dds first and tend to them.

so you can say you believe something has happened and you not sending the girls.

it is the new p's responsibility to protect herself - tell her clearly what he is capable of...if she may be unsafe, tell her so she can get someone to be with her if she needs to get stuff etc.