Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorce - when to start dating again?

28 replies

ALaughAMinute · 22/01/2016 08:21

Just that really.

I'm about to apply for the decree absolute so not yet divorced and we are still living together until the sale of our house goes through.

I'm obviously under a lot of stress and have a lot on my plate but sometimes I feel like throwing caution to the wind and going out and shagging someone. Is this normal?

I've been chatting to a few guys on OLD but haven't as yet posted a pic of myself because I'm not yet divorced.

I think I'm looking for a distraction.

Do I need to calm down or shall I just say "sod it" and go and do it anyway?

OP posts:
torontonian · 22/01/2016 08:25

Just a very personal opinion. Wait unless until you are not in the same house, out of respect.

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 22/01/2016 08:29

I hear what you're saying but he's been nasty to me and I don't have any respect for him.

OP posts:
ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 22/01/2016 08:30

I'd take a step back for a while until you're not living together any more.

The sort of man you'd meet OD who was happy to chat to a woman with no photo who was still living with her stbxh is absolutely not the sort of man you should want to be getting involved with in any capacity. And certainly not while you're vulnerable. Which you will be, even if it doesn't feel like it. If only because of the emotional upheaval of separation and divorce.

It takes a while to establish a new normal.

Chat away though, nothing wrong with that, just be careful what you give away of yourself.

Bolloxwhateva · 22/01/2016 08:30

Been there, got the t-shirt. Still waiting for my absolute, due any day now. Have royally enjoyed myself shagging left right & centre. You'll feel SO much better for it. Just take care.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 22/01/2016 08:32

He's been nasty, is being nasty or both?

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 22/01/2016 08:33

I probably should take a step back but I feel in need of some male attention. I want to escape.

OP posts:
Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 22/01/2016 08:36

He was nasty in the past but he's ignoring me at the moment.

OP posts:
WaitingForMe · 22/01/2016 08:40

Start dating when you're ready to date. I don't understand what is to be gained by waiting. Life is short.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2016 08:41

I jumped straight in.
I had heard about 'rebound' relationships but never thought I would be the person to get into one.
I was NOT ready, although I thought I was.
I say, if you want to, then just go for it.
But be ready for all sorts of emotions to hit you. It's very odd and I really can't explain it.
As a PP says above, be careful!

magpie17 · 22/01/2016 08:48

When I split with my ex he moved out immediately but I waited until I had bought him out of our property so he couldn't come barging in whenever he wanted! I didn't want him to find out and it to jeopardise the relatively amicable split. In practice this was about 10 months, our divorce wasn't final until after that though.

In your case I would wait until you are not living together personally but if you are just looking for sex and are happy to have it at theirs then you might as well go for it.

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 22/01/2016 08:48

Hells, I am a bit wary of getting into a 'rebound relationship' but I feel like I need some excitment.

I would be interested to know about other people's experiences because I seriously feel like doing it.

OP posts:
magpie17 · 22/01/2016 08:48

Oh and I married my rebound person! Best decision I ever made.

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 22/01/2016 08:52

Magpie, we are trying to keep things as amicable as possible and I don't want to rock the boat. That said, I could do it when he's away.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 22/01/2016 08:53

I was in the same house as my Ex for a year after we officially separated.

In that time, I had a FWB situation which was ideal at the time.

But I didn't look for anything more serious until I had moved out.

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 22/01/2016 08:53

Really Magpie! Glad you had a happy ending. Lucky you!

OP posts:
Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 22/01/2016 08:55

TheStoic,

How did you handle the emotional side of it? Were you worried it could screw you up?

OP posts:
ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 22/01/2016 08:56

If he's been nasty in the past then you will have all sorts of emotions to process over the coming months. It might be different if he'd always been ok and was being a bit of a dick now. Iyswim.

I waited 6 months after he'd gone before I did OD. I too thought I was ready for a relationship, but I wasn't and now I'm happily single (genuinely so). I wouldn't rule it out, but can't see it happening and that's ok.

You need time to rediscover yourself, find out what makes you tick and get some of your life back before relinquishing any of it for a new relationship. Travel, join a band, take up quilting, join camra. Whatever interests you.

The world of OD feels quite friendly, fun and safe, but when you've done it for a while and are further down the road, you begin to see a side to it that wasn't immediately obvious.

It's fine to want to know that men are attracted to you, my profile and pics were very honest for that very reason, but the sort of manhappy tochat to a woman with no pic is one I would avoid.

TheStoic · 22/01/2016 09:01

How did you handle the emotional side of it? Were you worried it could screw you up?

No, not at all. If it started to make me unhappy in any way, I would have put an end to it instantly. I had enough to deal with without adding extra stress, so I wouldn't have tolerated any emotional drama for a second.

In fact, that FWB got me through a very sad and stressful time, and now he's one of my best friends without benefits. :-)

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 22/01/2016 09:22

It's interesting that some of you have said that a man willing to chat to a woman with no pic is one best to avoid. I suppose anyone without a pic is very likely to be married or up to no good. That said, I approached both the men I am chatting to and may very well send them a pic privately.

In fact, that FWB got me through a very sad and stressful time

This is what I'm hoping, although I realise I am vulnerable so have to to be very careful.

My STBXH is away next week so I might line something up.

OP posts:
ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 22/01/2016 09:41

Don't make the mistake of thinking they're attracted to your personality. It might mean you're up to no good, but, that they responded, says more about them. There are some very dodgy or damaged people in this world. I would avoid bringing one into my life at all costs.

He might think you're attached and that's the appeal.

He might think you're ugly and that's the appeal (low self esteem and easy to manipulate).

He might think you're hiding another aspect of yourself that (he believes) many men would find unappealing and that is the appeal (low self esteem and easy to manipulate).

It may be because he trawls dating sites looking for vulnerable women to absuse, it might be because he is 23 stone, smelly, unemployed and spends all day in a bedsit with a bedsheet stapled over a dirty window wanking over dodgy porn and he believes the only rl woman he can get is the sort who hides herself on OD and then won't let her go.

Whatevrr it is or isn't, it's unlikely to be a decnt man with a career and a well balanced social life and good self esteem because that sort of man wouldn't consider a woman who didn't have a photo of herself...

Might sound a bit extreme, but that was always my feeling.

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 22/01/2016 10:03

ThisisStill, I agree there are some very dodgy people out there but so far I've ignored all of the men who have contacted me because none of them have been my type.

I'm cherry picking at the moment and have so far found two potential candidates. Both professional types and very good looking. I'll see how the conversation goes and think about sending them a pic.

I don't know what's come over me. I think there is something about the stress of going through divorce that makes me feel like doing something wild and crazy! Has anyone else ever felt like this?

Thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 22/01/2016 10:06

Think I will go to John Lewis this afternoon and buy myself some new lingerie. Grin

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2016 10:54

I certainly felt like that.
I was out a lot of weekends with friends, snogging far younger men.
Had a great time doing that.
I've never been one to have full sex with randoms though so that never happened.
But it was a massive ego boost for me having younger men find me attractive and want to 'get off' with me.
After my disastrous rebound OLD experience, just going out with mates and having fun was far better for me.
Get out there and have fun but it doesn't have to be via OLD.
Do you have any single friends? I was lucky that both of my best friends were single at the time so we used to have a great laugh.
No idea how I would have got through it all without them TBH.

pocketsaviour · 22/01/2016 11:10

There's no reason not to have hookups but I would want them in a hotel, not at your (still shared) house or the other person's.

Actually getting into a relationship is probably a bad idea at this stage. It's been 3 years for me and I'm still not ready. But ymmv.

Colourmylife1 · 22/01/2016 11:23

I say go for it if you feel like it. I joined OLD almost as soon as my ex left for OW. It made me feel better and I found it a really useful distraction. A year on I can look back and think maybe it was too early but it was fun and boosted my confidence.