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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you let DH confront family member? [title edited by MNHQ]

31 replies

LowKey63 · 19/01/2016 07:41

Desperately trying not to out myself despite name change here. But need advice.

If a close family member of your DH was having an affair and there was proof but the wronged spouse was too scared about the future to confront, would you let your DH step in?

We have an opportunity this week and know this family member will be with this person. Other close family can't help and DH isn't keen but the wronged party is desperate. I am a bit worried DH will lose his rag and blow the moral high ground and I desperately want to stay neutral but wronged party is a shadow of their former self and isn't resolving this. Family member having affair is planning to leave at some point on their terms but doesn't realise anyone knows about the affair.

What do we do?

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 19/01/2016 08:35

From the title of your post I'm inferring that your FIL has discovered that MIL is conducting an affair and plans to leave him. I'm not sure whether FIL has asked your DH to step in, but this is definitely not on. Your DH can be supportive to his father without taking an active role in proceeings.

OhShutUpThomas · 19/01/2016 08:40

It's not for you to 'let' him - it's his family and his decision.

Arfarfanarf · 19/01/2016 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WickedWax · 19/01/2016 08:47

It's not your place to 'let' your DH confront or not.

Your DH isn't keen.

The wronged party, for their own reasons, died by want to confront.

Sounds like it's just you pushing this. Why?

Keep your beak out.

WickedWax · 19/01/2016 08:48

Wringer party *doesnt want to

Original poster
LowKey63 · 19/01/2016 08:55

I've reported my post. I'm an idiot. Brain fried.
"Let him" sounds controlling - sorry I'm feeling protective and DH has asked my opinion. Wronged party is desperate for DH to do this. I am not keen. DH not keen but feels he should help.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 19/01/2016 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LowKey63 · 19/01/2016 09:05

I agree Arf but the wronged party is suffering health wise because of this and has no friends or other family to turn to.

OP posts:
Original poster
LowKey63 · 19/01/2016 09:06

Wronged party wants joint counselling and to get past it but other family member has refused.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 19/01/2016 09:06

If this is his parents, they need to be his parents first and foremost. By getting involved he stands to lose one or both parents over this.

I'd be telling DH to be advising the wrong party that they don't need solid proof to be unhappy in the marriage and separate.

Arfarfanarf · 19/01/2016 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LowKey63 · 19/01/2016 11:13

I agree totally Arf. I come from a "right let's sort this" camp and DH is from a long line of thinkers, logic lovers and nothing happens spontaneously ever. The wronged party was round our house sobbing on Sunday and I just feel it's getting harder to keep out of it because it affects DH and DC Sad

OP posts:
TooSassy · 19/01/2016 11:21

OP

Another one here who thinks that's totally out of line for your DH to get involved and confront your MIL. Here's why.

  1. only 2 people know what has happened in a marriage, those are the 2 people who need to talk about it
  2. your MIL is your DH's mother. He may want answers that simply prepared she isn't wanting to give him. Because she is his mother and will want to protect him from the truth
  3. your FIL is being a coward and taking the cowards way out. It's exceptionally weak to put the pressure of saving his marriage at someone else's door. It's actually also incredible emotionally manipulative. A part of me also wonders what is scared to hear?
  4. has your FIL considered that if he confronts his wife and has a no holds barred talk that he may even be able to save his marriage?

I don't know what magic he expects your DH to achieve but it's not on.

My DC's could ask me difficult questions as they get older about why I divorced their dad. I hope I never have to tell them the truth, for their sakes.

Arfarfanarf · 19/01/2016 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LowKey63 · 19/01/2016 11:49

I totally agree. There's a lot of obsession with "gathering evidence" and think he just wants her to be caught in the act Sad

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 19/01/2016 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 19/01/2016 11:56

No I wouldn't. Stay the hell out of it, both of you. My parents are currently divorcing, it's hell for all of us but we are learning that we simply must step back and allow the two parties involved to do what they will.

These things almost always backfire, and it's the person who 'helped' who ends up frozen out.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 19/01/2016 11:56

your FIL is being a coward and taking the cowards way out. It's exceptionally weak to put the pressure of saving his marriage at someone else's door. It's actually also incredible emotionally manipulative. A part of me also wonders what is scared to hear?

So according to you the FIL is a coward because he is scared even though it appears the MIL is having an affair. Hmm

Funinthesun15 · 19/01/2016 11:58

You shouldn't confront the person having the affair.

Just be there for and support your FIL when she leaves.

MorrisZapp · 19/01/2016 11:58

Also be careful if one parent needs to be 'right'. That'll be where the need for proof is coming from. My mum is obsessed with being right, and wants us all to say she's right. But it's irrelevant. They're two people we love equally, going through a shit time.

Joysmum · 19/01/2016 12:08

What benefit is proof when it won't change anything?

If it were me thinking my DH were unfaithful, I'd not want it to be true and would be too budy second guessing myself and trying to minimise because I would hold on to the hope it wasn't true.

I find it understandable that people want proof if they can get it. I just wouldn't involve my DD in it because her relationship with her dad is more important than mine with my DH.

motherinferior · 19/01/2016 12:08

And you have no idea what has been going on for them, between the two of them, over the years. Neither of you do.

TooSassy · 19/01/2016 12:17

humpty you even reposted my post so you should know I did not call the FIL a coward for being scared.

I called him a coward for putting so much emotional responsibility for his marriage at someone else's door. And that someone is their son.

It's one thing to say I'm sad, I'm scared, I need your support. It's an entirely different thing to ask someone else to step in and have the difficult conversation that you should be having.

Nothing excuses an affair. Ever. Reprehensible behaviour. But equally (as I said in my PP) only the 2 people in the marriage know the truth. And it's those people that need to have this difficult conversation. Involving his child in this will cause a lot more pain.....

Original poster
LowKey63 · 19/01/2016 12:25

Thanks everyone. I agree with a lot of these comments.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 19/01/2016 12:44

What sort of parent involves their child in this? I think this kind of manipulation from your FIL is very wrong.

I really hope that you FIL does not want your DH to catch his own mother in the act. That's really quite sick.

I'd be more inclined to tip off the MIL so she can repair the relationship with her son,

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