Would you let DH confront family member? [title edited by MNHQ]

[LowKey63]

Desperately trying not to out myself despite name change here. But need advice.

If a close family member of your DH was having an affair and there was proof but the wronged spouse was too scared about the future to confront, would you let your DH step in?

We have an opportunity this week and know this family member will be with this person. Other close family can't help and DH isn't keen but the wronged party is desperate. I am a bit worried DH will lose his rag and blow the moral high ground and I desperately want to stay neutral but wronged party is a shadow of their former self and isn't resolving this. Family member having affair is planning to leave at some point on their terms but doesn't realise anyone knows about the affair.

What do we do?

[CarrotVan]

The most your DH can do is to tell his Mum that he knows she's having an affair and intends to leave her husband and that he (DH) won't be taking sides but hopes that both his parents can manage this with consideration of everyone's feelings. And possibly suggest that one way of doing that might be to go to Relate and have supported conversations about spitting up in a decent way

And then butt out

[ricketytickety]

no, it's up to the person being cheated on. It's unfair to ask him to get involved. You need to support them to talk to their partner if safe to do so. If it's his parents then he is being manipulated by the injured party as he shouldn't be forced to back one parent against another.

[Andthentherewasmum]

Is it possible that your FIL is setting up MIL to be the 'bad one' so he can monopolise your support in the future? I.e cutting her off from din and grand kids as a sort of punishment?

Seems quite manipulative behaviour to me.

Affairs are horrible and hurtful but a son should be forced to intervene in his parents marriage. Perhaps not facing up to issues head on has not helped the marriage over the years.

You MIL sounds like she's made her mind up. Let them sort their own marriage put and just be a source of support when the brown stuff hits the fan.

[Andthentherewasmum]

*Son not din!

[pocketsaviour]

I agree with Carrot's approach.

I also have to say that if I was in the position of the person who is cheating and/or wants to leave the marriage, my spouse putting pressure on my DC to persuade me to stay would have the EXACT OPPOSITE EFFECT. I would be absolutely fuming at such a blatant attempt at emotional blackmail.

[LowKey63]

I have had a chat with DH. And said I think it's inappropriate he's in this position. I fear the relationship with her is going to be fragile at best once this comes out but he is adamant he won't tell her he knows until it's out in the open. I fear she will pay a terrible price for this that she won't see coming

Don't think there's any intentional manipulation here but either way I desperately want to hold on to some neutrality for DC sake.

For info I have been through very similar with my own family but I am 15 years on from that and time heals so much. But nobody can see that yet in this situation. Understandably.