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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can't feel attracted to anyone who's available

28 replies

NinjaHearts · 18/01/2016 20:32

I don't mean married people or people with girlfriends but just men that are somehow not available entirely for a relationship.

I notice that I find men almost disgusting, offputting and really don't want them until they mention something that sort of makes it clear a relationship would be difficult; like for example letting me know they just got a job transfer overseas.

Then all of a sudden I fall in love with them as soon as I know the chances of anything happenning are small.

I'm lonely, but can't change and I keep being hurt by men who don't love me back.

OP posts:

HackAttack · 18/01/2016 20:47

Then stay single until you have therapy so you don't hurt anyone, your issues don't entitle you to hurt others

offside · 18/01/2016 20:57

Yep, my ex best friend was like this...She might still be but I stopped being friends with her when she made a pass at my DP.

She had form for only going for unavailable men and when they were available she was absolutely not interested. My theory was that she only went for unavailable men because if she was rejected it wasn't because of her, but because of circumstances.

I would suggest you need therapy too.

Original poster

NinjaHearts · 18/01/2016 21:20

I'd never go for anyone in a relationship

OP posts:

MissBattleaxe · 18/01/2016 21:22

This is classic self defence. Get some talking therapy or CBT to deal with your fear of commitment.

pocketsaviour · 18/01/2016 21:36

hey OP

This recent article on Baggage Reclaim might ring a few bells?

MrsWooster · 18/01/2016 21:39

What battleaxe said... This is fixable but will prevent you ever finding a happy relationship. Find a way of looking at what what caused this and how to stop it haunting the rest of your life.

Original poster

NinjaHearts · 18/01/2016 21:49

Thank you the article sounds very familiar.

I know therapy is the obvious answer but almost feel repelled by that as well.

It's difficult to explain. It's not conscious, I just can't do it. I really want to be happy and not alone and I feel so sad and lonely but it's so all consuming I feel like I can't escape it or ever really find anyone I could be happy with.

I never hurt other people, it is always the other way around.

I know where it comes from and how it came about and I try and talk to myself. I have just become conscious of it, which is a is a big step forward and ended a relationship that's been going on for five months with a man who is avoidant and hurts me constantly.

I have a date on Thursday and another on Friday with two very nice men and the thought is just so horrible but I am trying.

OP posts:

Custard314 · 18/01/2016 22:11

I could have written this.

I started OLD August with the intention of meeting somebody and I spent about four months with my head around a man who told me the first time I met him that he didn't want a relationship. He might even have told me the second time we met that he was moving to another city (which he did in fact). He travelled back to see me and we got on, but it took me a while to cop on. I took me until I met another man who is much more interesting, dynamic, attractive, sorted, well-adjusted etc, and who is interested in a relationship (maybe with me? he tells me he likes me) and I'm trying as hard as I can not to panic. Like it says in the article I have thoughts doing laps in my head now "why would he settle for me when he could have somebody better?". But I will try and over ride those thoughts. I have made great progress since I got involved with an abusive man about 16 years ago (and wasted nearly 8 with him). I learning something from every relationship too. They're usually very short my ''relationships'' but I am learning. I'll have it all figured out and then I'll be so old that nobody will date me anyway

Custard314 · 18/01/2016 22:13

The article was very good! I could really identify with that, so I'll be all over that site now. Thank you pocket.

OP, I'm dealing with it by telling myself that I'll enjoy it until he loses interest and when that happens, I'll recover because I've recovered from far worse.

Original poster

NinjaHearts · 18/01/2016 22:18

Thanks Custard, for me it runs deeper though and I can't feel an attraction in the first place to enjoy the attention! I find men who are fully available, normal, healthy and wanting to go out with me really repellent. It's so apparent that lets say you had David Gest and David Beckham in a room - I'd go for David Gest and find him uncontrollably sexy if he told me he didn't want a relationship with me!

OP posts:

Custard314 · 18/01/2016 22:32

When you first clap eyes on them though, you don't know whether or not they're available? I'm crippled with anxiety right now. Feel like throwing in the towel. I seem to find it more stressful waiting for this guy I'm dating now to go off me/lose interest than I did meeting up with the last man / texting ... I did like him, and I felt like he wasn't going to lose interest in me because he didn't like me enough to go out with me anyway so there seemed less at stake. I know I did the right thing ceasing communication with him but I feel a high level of stress atm.

LucyLocketX · 18/01/2016 22:34

Can I place mark? This is exactly my problem.

Custard314 · 18/01/2016 22:47

I even had a relationship with an abusive man, because well, I wasn't afraid of losing him ha ha! we never really connected emotionally obviously. So we were only playing, roles, or role-playing at best, abuse at worst.

Later, I realised that I find it 'intrusive' or something to be with somebody who really knows me and wants me. Not that this has ever really happened so I don't know how I know this.

Original poster

NinjaHearts · 18/01/2016 23:06

Has anyone read up on love addiction and the anxious-avoidant trap as well? I identified a lot with that

I always tell myself I want to get married but if I actually truly think it over the idea of it makes me very mentally uncomfortable

OP posts:

Original poster

NinjaHearts · 18/01/2016 23:07

I also pick relationships with people who I don't are about so I don't care if they leave me Custard

OP posts:

SelfLoathing · 18/01/2016 23:20

I hear you totally. I'm just the same - it's a way of avoiding getting hurt. And it's about low self esteem (check out my username).

You feel safe because you know that there is no real prospect of having to face up to the fact that you fall for someone who then rejects you/leaves you - because you knew they were never emotionally available anyway.

I had a long history of dating men who appeared emotionally unavailable at first who I would really fall for and try to be their perfect woman/get them to care about me. Most of the time it worked and I do believe you can get people to fall in love with you. Then once they were in love with me I'd have a honeymoon period and then I get bored (for which read subconciously get frightened they would leave me first) and dump them. This whole process would take years per Bf so I've had long term relationships.

The irony of it all that I never realised that I had a problem with commitment/emotionally unavailable men at all - because on the surface it all looked fine. The bfs were all decent men on the face of it - good looking, charming, high achievers.

I finally realised how horrifically deep rooted this problem was when I (to my shame) got involved with a MM (I didn't know to start with he was married). I fell "in love" with him massively and was seriously limerent/obsessed. The awful AWFUL truth was for a commitment phobic with low self esteem he was my perfect partner - he was an unbelievably self obsessed narcissist (emotionally unavailable and intimacy avoidant in an extreme way - his numerous on going affairs (I was only one of a revolving door of long term affairs I discovered) was a way of having one foot out of the door of the intimacy of his marriage) AND he literally wasn't available because he was married and directly said he had no intention of leaving his wife. He was an awful man - his wife is very VERY wealthy and he told me he'd never leave her because of the money. No idea if that's true but that's what he said.

Anyway (this makes no sense to me at all) for the first time in my life I felt really free to properly fall in love. He felt so safe to me because there was NO prospect he would love me back or would care for me or even like me very much - so I fell head over heads into "love"/obsession.

I haven't seen him for a long long time (and deservedly went through emotional hell karma for being involved with a MM) but I'm not so stupid as to realise that I would be in serious danger if he decided he wanted me back.

I've never felt so safe as to be free love someone in my life. How f*cked up is that - when I could see he had some awful nasty character features - I still felt that way.

Custard314 · 18/01/2016 23:29

I get it. Psychology today had something about irrelationships a while ago. I'll try and link it.

I did love somebody once. Completely took the break off my heart and free wheeled. And then he dumped me with a sudden, brutal and unjust character assassination. I should have had therapy right away after that.

Custard314 · 18/01/2016 23:31

this was the article that gave me an epiphany, over a year ago now

I have made progress I think.

leghoul · 18/01/2016 23:38

this is me totally

leghoul · 18/01/2016 23:45

I ran away from my last 'bf' ish thing because he was too nice, and I met his mother. I literally vanished. It freaked me out.
Another guy, I never saw him again after I met his friends and he wanted to see me - usually he was quite aloof and we'd see each other twice a week or so or he'd vanish from time to time. I really liked him, but the minute he changed, I just shut down and made a stupid excuse, and then stopped replying...
completely fell in love with an old colleague (ended in tears and years later, not completely over that) he was always unavailable - also had a really bad relationship once, and Ive had quite a few bad things happen - so basically, I just shut everyone out
I recently met a guy because he told me I had to see him that day, as he was flying out of the country the next day
I saw him for the first time in years, (didn't 'do' anything but he was v clear how he felt)
and then he didn't leave the country
and now I have vanished on him, freaked out again and he must think I am terribly rude or just not into him, which isn't true aside from colleague issues he's completely great so I am definitely NOT seeing him

spudlike1 · 19/01/2016 06:24

SelfLoathing · 19/01/2016 09:36

or he'd vanish from time to time.

Oh yes. This is very good hurts like hell but allows plenty of time to idealize the man, obsess about him and wallow in the pain of your "love" and not being wanted. Plus no real intimacy if he is disappearing for days/weeks/months
AND then another moment of perfect idealisation when he re-appears and does the whole perfect Mr Right act for a few evenings.

gatewalker · 19/01/2016 11:11

OP, you'll resist therapy because it, too, is a close, deeply intimate relationship - and the perfect place to work all of this through, in spite of and because of the fact that you're resisting it.

And it's the way through. Not CBT, btw - a 10-year study into CBT has shown it is not so good for deep-seated (i.e. stemming from childhood) stuff; and your avoidant attachment style is almost certainly as a result of what was modelled to you growing up.

Best of luck.

Fckup · 19/01/2016 12:47

Selfloathing - I could have written your post. Hope you're doing ok, I can't see how I will ever feel differently to be honest about him, even though objectively I can see what a complete sh1t he is.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/01/2016 12:53

He's Scared, She's Scared is the classic book on commitmentphobia. By preferring people who can't/won't commit, you are being a passive commitmentphobe. (Active CPs more often really chase a relationship until it becomes real and demanding, then they leave.)

I got that book b/c I thought my exH was a CP. Turned out, I was! I identified with EVERY LINE.

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