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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Insensitive & clumsy......you decide?

41 replies

Malamutes · 15/01/2016 21:54

Married 15 years, last few years awful at times. Told DH I wanted a divorce in September 2015, to help him get through this we have been taking it slowly and talking to a councillor. Weeks ago I said I was seeing a solicitor, didn't send letter due to Christmas, at DH request.

Asked solicitor to send letter on Thursday of this week and told DH. Just back from therapy and the councillor has said I'm rushing things, being insensitive to DHs feelings and have been clumsy in my approach! WTF!

Have I?

OP posts:
12purpleapples · 15/01/2016 21:58

That doesn't seem like the sort of thing a counsellor should say. It doesn't seem like its the case either, you appear to have bent over backwards to take this at your STBX pace.

Original poster
Malamutes · 15/01/2016 22:09

I think so too and told him I disagreed. He said he had to say the truth according to him. I said I also felt it was two against one and that DH was accepting the D until he said this. We both left angry and I felt as if we went backwards not forward. Thanks for your response.

OP posts:
clam · 15/01/2016 22:26

Not the truth, more his opinion. Which I don't think he should have expressed in that way.

Duckdeamon · 15/01/2016 22:28

you don't have to justify your decision for ending the relationship, just do what you've decided and stop attending counselling?

If your H was/is abusive then couples counselling isn't advised anyway.

magoria · 15/01/2016 22:41

Sounds like a shit counsellor and I wouldn't waste your time going back to them.

You gave your STBXH from September to December and told him you were seeing a solicitor. You didn't send the paperwork until after Christmas. All done to be sensitive to his feelings.

sleepinginmycar · 15/01/2016 22:49

Why are you even having therapy?
you have made up your mind that the marriage is over. what is the point of therapy?
Stop following your DH's timeline and move at your pace.
And tell the therapist to do one as it's your life not his and you sound like you know exactly what you want. you cannot divorce "slowly" just to spare someone elses feelings.

GruntledOne · 15/01/2016 22:58

The counsellor is an idiot to try to dictate this, and he isn't considering how delay could be harmful to you. He's also not helping your DH if he allowed him to think he could put off the divorce until such time as he might feel able to deal with it.

tribpot · 15/01/2016 23:01

Were you actually in the room when the counsellor said this? It sounds as if you might have been? If you weren't, your H is making this up. If you were, your counsellor needs the sack - he/she isn't meant to offer an opinion on your behaviour in this way.

sleepinginmycar · 15/01/2016 23:07

Please tell me this therapy shit is not compulsory if you want to divorce as I would not last 5 minutes before walking out if that's the typical claptrap they come out with.

Marchate · 15/01/2016 23:51

Was it an (emotionally or otherwise) abusive marriage? If so, this is the inevitable result of joint counselling. He has made an ally of the counsellor

goddessofsmallthings · 16/01/2016 02:27

How much are you paying this shit counsellor?

Ditch him and get your petition to divorce filed asap. If you'd filed in September you'd have had a decree nisi in your Christmas stocking. Get cracking now and you should have something to celebrate shortly after Easter.

Original poster
Malamutes · 16/01/2016 08:23

Phew. Glad to have woken up to these responses. Thank you. I have just emailed DH, he is asleep upstairs stating how much I disagreed with the councillor last night. I felt this he and DH are trying to make me feel guilty, unreasonable and that I am not thinking about our DSs, when that is all I'm doing.

I saw a female councillor last year who was amazed I was still with DH, he had intimate relations with my friend, verbally abusive when drunk etc. etc. she said leave, do not feel guilty. I explained this to DH and he said he wanted counselling with me hence we went to this councillor, recommended by friend, he says slow down, what's the rush......BUT I have known the marriage is over for so along that I just want to get on with it.

Thanks again for support, think I'm being steam rolled - does that make sense?

OP posts:
JerryFerry · 16/01/2016 08:47

Your counsellor is utterly shit and I feel quite angry on your behalf.

Please don't waste another moment on couples counselling, maybe just some for yourself. Sounds like you could do with the support.

Dolallytats · 16/01/2016 08:52

I would go so far as to say that you should make complaint against the counsellor. He has overstepped the mark.

diddl · 16/01/2016 08:54

What is the reasoning behind the counselling & it all happening at your stbx's pace?

Allgunsblazing · 16/01/2016 08:55

Errrm, is that one of those church consellors, OP?
You're not being insensitive, but I think you're being manipulated and your trust abused.

clam · 16/01/2016 08:57

You don't need anyone else's permission or approval to end this marriage.

Penfold007 · 16/01/2016 08:58

Another one saying your counsellor is unprofessional and dangerous. Drop the counselling with this person and do what you want.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2016 09:01

You have indeed been steamrolled by DH; he has controlled this process to date. Its part of his overall power and control over you even now.

Crack on with proceedings at your own pace this time around and do not see this particular counsellor any more. I would think this counsellor has also been manipulated by your H just as you have been; abusive men can and do manipulate counsellors. I was also wondering if this particular person is registered with any governing body.

Counselling for your own self solely could again prove to be invaluable here.

diddl · 16/01/2016 09:05

Do you need counselling to get you through the divorce, OP?

If not, just crack on with it with a solicitor & show your stbx the same regard for him that he showed you when he cheated-none!

Whatdoidohelp · 16/01/2016 09:10

Did you check what qualifications this counsellor has?

TendonQueen · 16/01/2016 09:13

That doesn't sound like fair comment at all. You've hardly rushed anything. I would just go ahead with all the arrangements now as if this is what counselling has to offer you, how is it helping? With this counsellor, anyway. I'd second suggestions about getting a counsellor just for you. And send the letter!

DoreenLethal · 16/01/2016 09:19

Counselling is not recommended if one of the couple is an abuser, as you have seen they can enrol the counsellor in the abuse.

I wouldn't go back if I were you.

Phoenix69 · 16/01/2016 10:23

Sounds nonsense to me. And from your OP - you know it is nonsense.

You have been signposting this divorce since September, giving the family time at Xmas, counselling at H request. But you have been clumsy?

And YOU are insensitive? Intimate relations with your friend and drunken behaviour sounds more insensitive.

As AttilatheMeerkat said -
*You have indeed been steamrolled by DH; he has controlled this process to date. Its part of his overall power and control over you even now.

Crack on with proceedings at your own pace this time around and do not see this particular counsellor any more. I would think this counsellor has also been manipulated by your H just as you have been; abusive men can and do manipulate counsellors.*

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/01/2016 10:29

If the counsellor is BACP registered I'de phone them for advice re a complaint, he isn't supposed to have an opinion, he has or could have put you in harms way by stupidly saying that opinion out loud.

No competent counsellor would have done this, and at a push might have expressed a concern to you In Private and be guided by your answer.

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