Insensitive & clumsy......you decide?

[Malamutes]

Married 15 years, last few years awful at times. Told DH I wanted a divorce in September 2015, to help him get through this we have been taking it slowly and talking to a councillor. Weeks ago I said I was seeing a solicitor, didn't send letter due to Christmas, at DH request.

Asked solicitor to send letter on Thursday of this week and told DH. Just back from therapy and the councillor has said I'm rushing things, being insensitive to DHs feelings and have been clumsy in my approach! WTF!

Have I?

Wow, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from asking "Are you fucking shitting me?"

Ditch the counselling, get with your legal team and crack on. "What's the rush" my fat backside. The rush is that you're sitting there being miserable every fucking day while he gets to turn on the waterworks and try to bring you back under control. He can do one!

Good grief, your husband had sex with your friend and the counsellor thinks you should be tiptoeing round his feelings and should avoid upsetting him?

If he has any form of professional qualifications I would certainly be thinking about complaining to his professional body - and indeed, as people say, you should also complain about the fact that he is counselling at all when one of the parties is an abuser. In any event, I thought the role of a couples counsellor is to be neutral and not to make judgments but to help the parties come to their own judgments and decisions? Blatantly this man regards himself as being there for your husband and no-one else.

Sounds like he is of the charlatan counselling service that another poster has fallen foul of.

Walk away. If you want counselling for yourself go back to your own.

Hmmm plenty to think about and thank you again for comments. The letter has been sent by solicitors and I believe DH signed for it this morning, he hasn't mentioned it, I know he will take time to think about it.

He told me at counselling he will do his best to delay the divorce, mentioned two years? But how can he? I have a string of emails from him apologising for his behaviour so surely this is evidence that he has been unreasonable?

He also said that we may lose the house as the mortgage company will retract the mortgage and that the solicitor is making me rush everything as they want to be paid? I am not daft and have been conducting my own research and this all sounds like complete rubbish - is it?

All rubbish, I'm certain. Ask him for his sources!

I know from (bad) personal experience that counsellors can be too keen on believing what they are told, at face value. So if your partner got his views in first, he was at a huge advantage

OP, don't engage in ANY discution with him. Pretend you're already on your own. He doesn't exist.
He is so gaslighting!

My STBXH is very abusive. We went for counselling and somehow, God knows how, he got the counsellor on "his side" and I was in the wrong. Even though he was admitting being violent and unfaithful and controlling. It was a nightmare, the two of them bullied me.
At one point the counsellor announced that all the violence was in the past, I just needed to forgive. In actual fact I was covered in bruises from an assault the previous evening. I sat there silent and frozen with fear, convinced there was nowhere I could go for help and it was all my fault anyway.
Abusers abuse. They'll use anything to do so. Get on with your divorce and kick the counsellor to the kerb.

BTW it was a Relate counsellor.

Is this a Relate counsellor??

People divorce all the time and mortgage companies deal with it! He's telling you desperate lies to keep you from going. Do not give anything he says credibility without checking. Speak to every person and organisation yourself rather than trust his word.

Does the current counsellor know that you're seeking a divorce because of your husband's infidelity, that is, his inability to keep the terms of the marriage contract?

If so, completely rubbish counsellor and probably unethical. If registered with BACP or UKCP you should complain, very loudly and firmly. And if he's a Relate counsellor - well, words fail ...

Well, if he intends to make it difficult for you, he will do that irrespective of when you start the proceedings. So the sooner you do, the sooner it's over.

By the way, this counsellor wasn't recommended by the friend he had the affair with, was he? If so, WTF.

Ask your solicitor to outline the timescales for a contested divorce and clarify the mortgage position direct with the bank if you need to. I suspect some of his goal is to drive you to the financial brink by making divorce expensive so you do need to read up - Rights of Women have this guide, there's Wikivorce and I think the Which? Guide is meant to be quite good too.

Hello, no the counsellor isn't relate. I am no longer in contact with my friend who had sex with DH. Yes the counsellor knows the reasons why I am seeking a divorce. I have started proceedings and I believe DH received the letter yesterday.

I have some time today to look into the impact on mortgages and become better informed.

The reasons I am, in my opinion, being sensitive is due to my DSs, if there is any way I can help DH accept this and allow the divorce to civil, ideally amicable then I will keep trying to help him understand and accept BUT I can't 'control' him. The counsellor decided that I have been trying to control DH for example get him to stop drinking and I shouldn't. This his is responsible for his life and happiness and me mine.

Anyhow, feeling positive today, thanks to MNs and a good friend I spoke with yesterday.

Enjoy your Sunday's, bloody freezing here in the South brrrrr!

if there is any way I can help DH accept this and allow the divorce to civil, ideally amicable then I will keep trying to help him understand and accept

I think from what you've said that he's already made it abundantly clear that he has no intention of being reasonable or civil. Do what you need to do, do it calmly and professionally - as if you were dealing with a colleague or tradesperson you had engaged. So yeah, you don't need to shout "I'm leaving you, fuckface, kiss my back cheeks!" but equally there is no reason for you to tiptoe around on account of his widdle feefees might be hurt.

Thanks for saying how it is pocket, yes I need to toughen up and realise that he is responsible for his own life, just trying not to fuck up kids lives too badly in the process and seeing their father fall apart is not ideal.

Thanks for links tribpot will be getting myself informed today. Knowledge is power and no way do I want to be wrong footed at this point.

Your counsellor sounds a dick, btw.
Great that you're feeling more positive. pocket saviour's right. Your husband's not suddenly going to turn into a kind and reasonable person, so take that into account and just get on with the legalities and practicalities.

"Falling apart" can be a great way of making it all about them and keeping control of the situation.