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Original poster

Thoughts on whether this is okay?

43 replies

itschristmastime123 · 14/01/2016 12:44

My DP has a female best friend. They share what could be described as flirty messages quite frequently, but I know her and she is nice, and I trust him, so I've not really minded. By flirty it's not sexual or anything like that, it's just quite jokey. I've heard him say 'I love you' once to her, but he says it's the way you love a friend, and I believed him. He said she's like a brother or sister to him, which is fine.

Today we were chatting, and he admitted than he fancied her before we got together, and considered pursuing a relationship with her, but decided they would not be compatible. It did not go any further. She has no idea, and they've never talked about it, kissed etc.

He says he doesn't fancy her anymore, and they're now just close friends.

Do you think it's possible to un-fancy someone in this way whilst remaining extremely close to them?

OP posts:
Clarella · 14/01/2016 12:46

Yes simply because I was in a similar situation though felt it best to cool the friendship a bit. But just my experience. I'd find it hard if they are that close.

cailindana · 14/01/2016 13:34

It sounds to me like he's enjoying playing at being in a relationship with the friend while being with you because he knows the friend isn't interested. I wouldn't be happy about it.

Twinklestein · 14/01/2016 13:39

Did he really decide they weren't compatible or did he just not have the courage to try?

I think you're entitled to feel alarmed at being in a relationship with a guy who tells another woman he loves her whatever way it's supposedly meant.

tigermoll · 14/01/2016 13:44

My best friend is a man, and we used to go out (a hundred years ago when we were kids) so back then, we were attracted to each other. We absolutely do not in any way fancy each other any more -- just the thought of it would be weird, like kissing a relative. We also frequently end phone conversations with 'I love you', because hey, we do love each other (I also frequently tell my other close friends that I love them). My most recent ex also had female friends that he used to go out with, and I never had a problem with that. Everyone is allowed a past, and I think it is a good sign (rather than a bad one) when people are able to stay friends after being romantically involved.

From what you've said, he had a passing attraction to her, but decided they wouldn't be compatible and never made a move. That doesn't sound like a grand passion -- just a brief warmth. She has no idea, so he never made a move or pursued her.

I'm a great believer in gut instinct and spidey sense, but if this confession of a long-ago attraction is really all there is to go on, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Jan45 · 14/01/2016 14:03

Very rarely can a man be a friend to a female, they nearly always have an attraction and going by what you have said I'd imagine he does still have a fancy for her - how would he feel if you had told him that?

FredaMayor · 14/01/2016 14:06

I think you have a rival for your DPs affections, and whatever he may say to your face, he is hiding the attraction in plain sight.

QuiteLikely5 · 14/01/2016 14:09

I wouldn't like this at all, however there is nothing you can do about it!

Cabrinha · 14/01/2016 14:30

I have dated people, split up and then later thought "OMG what were you doing?!"

It's definitely possible to be attracted then not.

My boyfriend has dinner alone every 6 months with a female friend who he fancied but never told, 20 years ago. He was happily married (then widowed) for most of that 20 years and now loves me. He says he still thinks she's attractive and lovely, but not the way his wife was - and not the way he's feeling about me. I'm not remotely bothered.

I don't think you have to be all cool about it - listen to your gut. I'm just saying that it isn't a hard and fast no.

MatrixReloaded · 14/01/2016 14:54

The flirty messages are hugely inappropriate and disrespectful to you.

pocketsaviour · 14/01/2016 14:58

It's definitely possible. I have a male friend I used to be really attracted to. He had a GF (now his wife) so obviously I never did anything (although if we had both been single at the same time I probably would have asked him out.) But the attraction isn't there any more, we're just friends.

I always make sure to invite him and his DW out as a couple though. Does your DP's friend interact with you?

Original poster
itschristmastime123 · 14/01/2016 15:08

Update: he told me he had strong feelings for her for the first 6 months of our relationship too. We nearly broke up twice during this period, and he said his feelings for her were a factor in that. He says since then he has been completely over her. I'm beyond devastated.

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 14/01/2016 15:10

The brother / sister thing makes me cringe. Does he share flirty messages with his actual brothers and sisters ?

Binders1 · 14/01/2016 15:39

So he's already lied to you by telling you his feelings were before your relationship and then spent the first six months of your relationship messing you about.

Only1scoop · 14/01/2016 15:41

She sounds more like

The one that got away

Than a mate

ImperialBlether · 14/01/2016 15:41

Tell him to take a hike. He's no idea of boundaries whatsoever.

Jan45 · 14/01/2016 15:43

Jesus, the guy has no morals - he's totally pissing you about.

Binders1 · 14/01/2016 15:45

Do yourself a favour and find someone who doesn't have a close female 'best friend' on the sidelines whom they fancy! (Over it or not - it's not worth it). Sorry Op, you deserve better!

Kelsoooo · 14/01/2016 15:57

Well, after your update. I'd say run and run a mile without looking back.

Gobbolino6 · 14/01/2016 16:04

I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2016 16:09

I would not tolerate that

What are you...the consolation prize ?

Fuck that shit

ChristmasCabbage · 14/01/2016 16:11

Sorry OP but I wouldn't be comfortable with that to be honest.

I suspect he does still fancy her a bit although perhaps not enough to put what you have at risk.

I think telling your friend (who you used to fancy and who's of the opposite sex) you love them is really weird. But I do appreciate that other people do say this to their friends.

Clarella · 14/01/2016 16:37

Hmm post update that's difficult in light of the way they communicate.

I'd feel duty bound to distance myself if I were him, which is what I did do out of respect for my partner.

Fireandflames666 · 14/01/2016 16:56

The fact he has lied in the first place is not good at all. Is there more of a back story to this?. Do they go out as friends etc?.

Duckdeamon · 14/01/2016 17:00

He's been a total arse to you, whether or not he still fancies her.

VioletRoller · 14/01/2016 17:22

The "sister" thing makes me cringe. I've had a similar expirience except she wasn't pleasant to me at all.
I didn't accept it and think you're right not to either. It seems really disrespectful to me.

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