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Relationships

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Original poster

Thoughts on whether this is okay?

43 replies

itschristmastime123 · 14/01/2016 12:44

My DP has a female best friend. They share what could be described as flirty messages quite frequently, but I know her and she is nice, and I trust him, so I've not really minded. By flirty it's not sexual or anything like that, it's just quite jokey. I've heard him say 'I love you' once to her, but he says it's the way you love a friend, and I believed him. He said she's like a brother or sister to him, which is fine.

Today we were chatting, and he admitted than he fancied her before we got together, and considered pursuing a relationship with her, but decided they would not be compatible. It did not go any further. She has no idea, and they've never talked about it, kissed etc.

He says he doesn't fancy her anymore, and they're now just close friends.

Do you think it's possible to un-fancy someone in this way whilst remaining extremely close to them?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/01/2016 17:54

This reminds me of those people of the opposite sex who are just "friends" that sleep in the same bed.

No, it doesn't happen. Unless you are 17yo and and a gang all pissed together.

Drew64 · 14/01/2016 17:56

There is nothing wrong with having a close female friend.
I've become close to my wife's best friend.
We share a kiss on the lips when we meet and part, we often joke flirtily (is that even a word?) If she needs a cuddle or a hug she gets one and my wife knows that I fancy her.

Nothing will ever come of it. I know it, she knows it, my wife knows it.

But that's a bit different from your DP's friend, because she's his friend, not yours.

Jan45 · 14/01/2016 18:02

Boak.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2016 18:03

I wouldn't tolerate that either, Drew.

Only1scoop · 14/01/2016 18:04

And that's your DW 'best friend'
Not yours

VioletRoller · 14/01/2016 18:07

Fuck me, :S

I wouldn't be happy with that. Every relationships boundaries and values are different though.

Kelsoooo · 14/01/2016 18:08

I have a few male friends:

2 are work colleagues. There is no love, no attraction. Nothing. One is "like my brother" he's 5 years my junior, I take him to and from work. We spend 36 hours a week, two weeks of the month that 36 hours is just us two. No one else.

We haven't so much as hugged in that time. We barely touch each other. But I care for him like I care for my little brother who is of a similar age. Because I care for him like a brother, I couldn't tell you if he's attractive or not. I could never, ever feel any sexual attraction to him....

So how your DP thinks of her like a sister, but can still flirt....is beyond me and in fact turns my stomach a little bit.

Kelsoooo · 14/01/2016 18:10

Nope. I wouldn't be comfortable with that either Drew.

My best female friend and my husband get along fantastically. In fact she's a best friend of both of ours. She was my bridesmaid at our wedding.

He would never fancy her. Because she's like a sister to us all. Our children call her Aunty. She has a bedroom at ours, well used to.

They hug, and a kiss on the cheek. But never would he ever say he fancied her. And if he did? Well I wouldn't "put up" with it.

MatrixReloaded · 14/01/2016 19:30

How disrespectful to your wife drew. I'd divorce you. And I'd dump the so called friend.

OuchLegoHurts · 14/01/2016 19:37

I think you're putting up with a lot. I wouldn't.

PushingThru · 14/01/2016 19:41

I think if she showed any serious interest, he'd pursue it. You need to think about how you feel about that.

ImperialBlether · 14/01/2016 19:49

Your poor wife, Drew. Married to a treasure like you and having a disloyal friend, too. Tell her to come on here for a chat.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 14/01/2016 20:25

Ugh. Drew's post made me vomit in my mouth.

OP, fuck that shit!

sadwidow28 · 15/01/2016 02:00

This reminds me of those people of the opposite sex who are just "friends" that sleep in the same bed.

No, it doesn't happen

For once AF, you are wrong. I slept in a double bed with a male friend - after DH had died - but we agreed beforehand that the bed was for sleeping in (and there was only one double bed available). I did put my Winceyette pyjamas on - and all was okay. No furtive hands or spooning from either party.

Monty27 · 15/01/2016 02:17

OP challenge it.

Drew, kissing on the lips, a friend, and then kiss your wife? Ewwww

YouAreMyRain · 15/01/2016 02:47

Drew - your poor wife. The way you interact with her friend is massively disrespectful. Kissing her on the lips, flirting with her and telling your wife that you fancy this friend of hers. I imagine that your wife is either hiding her hurt or doesn't care for you and hopes the two of you get together and both fuck off and leave her alone.

OP - I would be very upset in your situation, I would request that the flirting stopped immediately as a minimum and and I would be considering whether I wanted to feel like a gooseberry in my own relationship

Duckdeamon · 15/01/2016 11:26

Wonder how Drew's wife really feels about her H and "friend" behaving like that? Perhaps she's under pressure to "be cool" about it.

What an awful way to treat her!

LittleLegs25 · 15/01/2016 11:56

I can totally relate to this, before I met my husband I had a boyfriend who was "best friends" with his ex. They would meet up, say I love you, I miss you, send song lyrics to each other etc. She also had a bf. I hated it. It was totally inappropriate and he also admitted he found her attractive. It all came to a head because I was constantly jealous of her and their relationship even though he would always reassure me I was the one for him and he only saw her as a friend nothing more, he did admit he had acted inappropriate and stopped all contact with her. We still split up though.

I think he should respect you, if he knows certain things are upsetting you then he shouldn't be doing them.

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