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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fallen in love with my casual sex partner

29 replies

lankwaifong · 14/01/2016 09:57

Well..just what the title says really.

I have no idea how it happenned. When I started up I genuinely thought there was no way I'd ever have any feelings for him. Then it happenned.

No, he says he can't be a boyfriend to anyone right now.

The sex is amazing. We have fun together. It's wonderful and it is breaking my heart on a daily basis.

I have tried to end it, we always end up back together but admittedly I haven't tried very hard and always fall for the "I miss you" text.

Is my only option to completely cut off all contact?

I can't believe how bad I feel. It's awful when someone wants you but only partly :( would rather have him not want me at all!!

OP posts:

Gunting · 14/01/2016 10:09

This situation happened to me before.

I think if he says he can't be a boyfriend to you then you need to sack the arrangement off. You're just going to end up upsetting yourself and wasting time.

Original poster

lankwaifong · 14/01/2016 10:11

I know, but I have been thinking if we just spend more time together he will change his mind. Yes, I know how idiotic that sounds :(

I can't believe it happenned, I never, ever thought I could fall in love with him (I never fall in love easily) and it's the strongest I have felt for anyone for years. Happenned so fast too. We've only met up about 7 times but we have talked a lot in between.

I feel completely broken hearted and it's so unlike me!!!

OP posts:

flatbellyfella · 14/01/2016 10:11

Was this the result of on line hookup ?

Original poster

lankwaifong · 14/01/2016 10:13

Yes

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/01/2016 10:14

It's not love, it's limerance. It will pass. No contact is the only solution.

Original poster

lankwaifong · 14/01/2016 10:15

Although that makes it sound awful. It wasn't like we both met up for sex, it was more like we got talking online and he was clear from the first conversation he didn't want a full blown relationship or a fuck buddy but something in between. I met up with him after a few months of talking because honestly? that day I fancied some no strings sex. I never thought I'd even see him again but it just didn't work out like that. Before I knew it he was messaging and calling all the time and doing things with me and we were acting like some hybrid in the middle of being in a relationship but not quite and it just feels absolutely horrible. I thought it wuld just be sex but it's not.

OP posts:

flatbellyfella · 14/01/2016 10:19

I would think it's better to end it now, if he admits to not wanting to commit to you, before the weeks turn into months etc: Are you sure it's not lust rather than love.

Original poster

lankwaifong · 14/01/2016 10:19

Oh i just looked up limerence and it does sound very like how I feel. I feel like I have never felt this way before about anyone! It's absolutely awful.

I did have two months apart from him, but it didn't go away, and I think the awful part is that he finds me extremely attractive on a sexual basis so he does a lot of wooing and a lot of chasing and everytime I think this means he must return my feelings.

Plus because he says things like he's never felt like that in bed with anyone before, and that it's not just sex to him, and that he cares about me so much, and that he finds me so sexy and he's not a complete dick or anything but I take these things plus the time he wants to spend with me as signs - but deep down I know he doesn't want a relationship so I am turturing myself

OP posts:

HandyWoman · 14/01/2016 10:21

This is limerence, infatuation, not love. At the moment you have all the fun bits of him but not the real stuff: conflict, compromise, drudgery, proper intimacy.

Time to go No Contact.

category12 · 14/01/2016 10:23

No, he's kinda torturing you by saying all that and at the same time not wanting a relationship. He's blurring the lines, it's not you being weird. So he's kind of a dick, I'm afraid.

You're going to have to kick him thoroughly to the kerb and block him.

Original poster

lankwaifong · 14/01/2016 10:23

I honestly don't know what or why or how it is.

I didn't even fancy him. I really didn't. He just feels right, it sounds silly but we are so connected and just happy and then I have this urge to just be boyfriend / girlfriend - you know - like every day things and get all sad when I realise I haven't got that with him.

I feel like I am ona rubber band being twisted into knots and I am trying to act like I am okay with the just sex thing but I'm absolutely not. I want all of him or none at all but every time I try and end it I fail miserably.

He doesn't help, because he sends mixed signals. A male friend has told me that's normal because he wants to keep having sex with me :(

OP posts:

Original poster

lankwaifong · 14/01/2016 10:25

I'm just popping out to get some cigs and maybe when I get back I can write a bit more about how he behaves because if you think he is blurring the lines then it might make me feel less silly about how I feel. I've never felt so out of control or confused

OP posts:

Threefishys · 14/01/2016 10:27

Of course he wants all the trappings of a relationship whilst offering you no security or real intimacy.

timelytess · 14/01/2016 10:30

So, you've discovered how Nature works her wondrous ways - sex bonds you to him. Its hormonal.

He doesn't feel that. Move on.

timelytess · 14/01/2016 10:31

I wouldn't know, but I've heard that the best way to get over one man is to get under another. I think that might work in this case.

flatbellyfella · 14/01/2016 10:32

When you have been lonely,& craving contact, the slightest bit of attention or flattery can trigger the way you are feeling now. You should not feel silly for having feelings, we all do.

Newyearnewme2016 · 14/01/2016 10:33

Didn't you already have a thread on this last week op and the responses went on for 4 pages?

Gobbolino6 · 14/01/2016 10:33

These things happen. It's hormonal.
If he doesn't feel the same by now, he isn't going to. I'm sorry.
If you'd rather he didn't want you at all than only partly, I think the only option is to end things and then block, block, block. Horrible at first but you'll feel better soon and you'll be free to meet someone who does want the same as you.

Original poster

lankwaifong · 14/01/2016 10:48

Well it's definitely not the flattery or attention - because I get that a lot. And I have been with a lot of people and not felt that way. Maybe it's just the cycle of giving me just enough and then snapping it away.

I am finding it hard to work or do anything and reading that limerence pages it sounds like that a lot.

OP posts:

SelfLoathing · 14/01/2016 11:36

I know, but I have been thinking if we just spend more time together he will change his mind. Yes, I know how idiotic that sounds

It's not idiotic because it does happen that people, men and women, do change their mind and fall in love. BUT it is really rare and very unlikely. Men and women are biologically programmed to bond after repeated sex with the same partner. Men too! It's just that for men, it is a slower process, weaker (oxytocin is less in men) and men generally are better at compartmentalising. So the odds are really not in your favour.

Have you seen that film He's Just Not That Into You? The whole premises of it is that because we've all heard about [Jane] who's FWB fell in love with her and the lived happily ever after, that when you are in a comparable situation you start thinking "ooh. what about Jane? I could be like Jane. I could be the exception and not the rule".But it's flawed thinking. The rule is the rule. I'd watch that film if you've not seen it.

This is a cost/benefit analysis and you need to be ruthless about it.
I'd make a list of benefits you have from seeing him and score them. And a list of negative features from the relationship. Then separately, the potential long term benefits (miniscule chance he would fall for me included) and the potential long term detriments (wasting time, stopping me meeting someone else) and then decide whether it's worth it to you.

If you want to keep seeing him (I've been limerent and I know that when you are in that stage there is zero chance you won't see him) then I would try to put a time limit on it. For example say to yourself, I'll keep seeing him for [3/6 months] and if it's still like it is now I'm going to end it. Book a long holiday (at least two weeks) immediately after your end date so you have a fixed ""new me" break from him.

Good luck what ever you decide.

Original poster

lankwaifong · 14/01/2016 11:43

Yes I agree with you. If I was watching myself from the outside I'd want to smack me over the head.

Casual sex is fine, if it’s casual from both sides and neither wants more. i understand that.

I have had casual sex many times. We had sex, it was fun, they left. Maybe we had it a few more times. I definitely didn’t pine for them or miss them or want more. I didn’t even care if they were seeing someone else as I had no emotions at all for them and if anything it was an ego boost to be wanted. So I am not one of those women who can't do casual sex or who bonds with everyone they have sex with - far from it. I'm nothing like Jane at all!!!

With this one it was diferrent. There was nothing casual about it at all at any point really. It never felt like that so maybe that's why it's done my head in so completely.

I do think I have the willpower to stop seeing him completely. It's not been going on for long so if there is absolutely no way he is going to suddenly decide he wants a relationship with me then I can do it.

OP posts:

loveitvmonkey · 15/01/2016 00:09

if anything, it's spending LESS or no time with him (rather than more time) that may make him see whether he has any feelings for you. ATM he is being spoiled by you. If he does have feelings (and tbf if you communicate that much, I doubt that he sees it so casual) he will be kicked into touch with them!

loveitvmonkey · 15/01/2016 00:11

there is a chance he is in denial about his own feelings - he seems to protest too much while acting like a bf. But it's only a chance, so you have to step back and see what he does. Be honest and tell him that you can't be casual anymore.

AlwaysBeYourself · 15/01/2016 00:18

Stop seeing him. Go no contact. Let time pass. If he really misses you enough and wants to be with you then he will woo you properly. Make it clear that this thing you have isn't working for you first. Either he will move on because he doesn't think if you other than when he wants sex OR he will miss you and not just for sex and will realise this.

FredaMayor · 15/01/2016 00:25

Forgive me, OP, but you knew this what this was when you went into it. F-buddies is not a romantic situation, what has happened to your ego that you have decided you love this person? I think you are looking in the wrong place for love and intellectually you know this, and that you should quit this relationship because it has no future except for no-strings sex.

Have a break to get your head together and then go forward from there, if subconsciously you have decided you are ready for it.

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