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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stress head DP

31 replies

Madblondedog · 10/01/2016 11:43

How do I help DP get less stressed by the little things in life?

He's a lovely kind guy but seems to get overly stressed over the smallest things. Not targeted at me ever, always work, general life, that kind of thing. His reaction is so disproportionate its almost like an anxiety of everything being perfect.

Is there a way to help him relax more and see how the little things are a pain yes but not the end of the world?

OP posts:
mintoil · 10/01/2016 12:20

Exercise, meditation?

Good old fashioned "Counting Your Blessings" works for me. I start with being grateful for all the bits of my body that work, for my lovely children, the roof over my head, my friends, the fact I have access to clean water and to food, the list goes on and on.

If he is generally a glass half empty person then that is probably just the man you married, and I am not sure trying to change him will work.

Ticktacktock · 10/01/2016 12:28

I am married to one of those. He can take the dog out for a nice relaxing walk, and come back stressed, because he's seen dog poo that someone didn't pick up, next door has parked his car inappropriately, the man up the road has cut his hedge and not swept up all the clippings, someone has driven over the verge and left tyre marks.

I'm going to suggest he goes back to the docs and asks for help. It is so wearing, having to listen to him rant on about all this stuff. BTW, I don't know how old your dh is, but I think some of it is age. Mine is nearly 60, and a proper grumpy old man. If I don't divorce him first I may murder him.

Original poster
Madblondedog · 10/01/2016 12:31

Haha he's only late 20's so I hope it doesn't get worse with age!!

He has said he wants to try hard to get stressed less. It looks exhausting! I don't know how he does it. Any change at all can really set him off or anything going wrong.

He's a real creature of habit

OP posts:
Original poster
Madblondedog · 10/01/2016 12:32

Will definitely suggest the counting blessings thing thanks for that idea Smile

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 10/01/2016 13:18

Daily gratitudes as suggested above are really useful for sort of "re-setting" your mental attitude. Instead of thinking about "what's gone wrong today" it encourages you to think about why today was a good today. I do mine at night when I get in bed.

The fact that he wants to improve matters is your biggest advantage here because he recognises that it is a problem and that he can change it. He may want to try several different approaches and techniques until he finds one that works for him. As you said some of it seems to stem from anxiety, he might find CBT approach helpful. I'd recommend looking for a private practitioner as an NHS referral can take forever and is limited to 6 sessions. Managing Anxiety with CBT For Dummies might also be a good place to start.

Hissy · 10/01/2016 14:28

He is mid 20s and I guess you are similar?

You need to understand that YOU are not responsible for how HE thinks, feels, is or is not.

HE can look to adjust his feelings about stress and stuff, it is him that will be physically affected by it, but you can not do this for him.

It will get worse unless HE addresses it. You are not responsible for his mental health.

I appreciate you want to help, so bring up his stress with him and say that it's not sustainable. Suggest he look for ways to destress his life and leave him to it.

Hissy · 10/01/2016 14:29

Would you want to be a co-parent with a guy like this? He'd be awful tbh, it would be hell and damaging for everyone within the situation.

JennyOnAPlate · 10/01/2016 14:48

My dh is like this too. He has a high pressure job and the stress definitely spills into family life. It's actually the only thing we ever row about because I feel like he should be able to rein it in for me and the dc.

I don't know what the answer is but I'm sure cbt would probably help. It's all about changing the way you think about things.

RealityCheque · 10/01/2016 14:57

That's constructive, Hissy. May as well LTB, eh? Hmm

Original poster
Madblondedog · 10/01/2016 16:20

I'm incredibly chilled out thanks hissy

jenny it's good to know it's not just me.

Thanks for the suggestions pocket will pass them on.

OP posts:
Hissy · 10/01/2016 17:09

Don't be daft Reality I didn't say LTB at all! How ridiculous!

However it is vital that we don't take responsibility for the happiness of others.

We have our own Stress to deal with. Only we can make ourselves happy. Its not exactly ground breaking thought, it's commonly stated. Hmm

The guy is young - many in late 20s dont handle stress, but have to learn how to. Someone doing all the research, putting in the legwork for them won't help at all. They have to do it themselves.

Hissy · 10/01/2016 17:14

Op, I'm glad you are chilled out, that's great. I don't think I said you weren't, certainly never intended to.

But you do have to let him find his way. Support him by all means, encourage him, but it's his job to find his place.

If you do it all for him it won't work.

Let him understand what his life is and maybe if you let him be, he may see by your example, how he needs to reevaluate life and how he deals with it.

CBT is good, but not if you're not receptive. He can't be receptive if he's not the one that has come up with the idea.

Giving up living stressfully is like giving up any other habit.

Leigh1980 · 10/01/2016 17:17

Mine is like this. He is severely sensitive and small things can bother him for days. We can't plan anything future wise as he says it's too much for him!! So I keep plans i want in my head and steer him towards them when the time comes. He tears over nothing and often I hold him and my top is soaking wet 😳 He's the biggest pain in the world and I love him to bits albeit him being hard work sometimes but also extremely lovable. I turn the news off when he comes in or else it's days of upset if there is another world disaster. I'm marrying him at the end of the year YIKES 😂😂Of course wedding plans are in my head and all planned. I will let him know arrangements closer to the time lol.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 17:19

Leigh, are you marrying a man or a toddler ?

amitha · 10/01/2016 17:30

My dh is like this. I told him i was tired of dealing with his stress and he could address it or stop bringing it home to me. He agreed it's not normal and he wants to learn to deal with it better so he is starting CBT soon.

Leigh1980 · 10/01/2016 18:10

😂😂 Anyfucker I really don't know sometimes. He is great around the house and an excellent cook he's just very very unique! Even his own mother asked how I put up with him sometimes.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:23

Unique ?

Oh dear.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:24

Look Leigh, it's really really bad if a bloke's own mother tries to warn you about him

What do your friends and family think of this special snowflake ?

Leigh1980 · 10/01/2016 18:47

She didn't mean it in a bad way. He's unique because of his sensitivity. He doesn't think like other people do at all. I can't really explain it. Put it this way, his dog drowned in the pool and he tried to give her CPR. He has suffered a lot emotionally in his life. He is very serious and sometimes doesn't understand life. He has a lot of autistic traits, he is exceptionally clever and talks like am encyclopedia sometimes which can be annoying sometimes as if I ask a question he will spend an hour giving me a detailed answer.

He irritates my father but my father is a very black and white businessmen so can't understand him. My mother likes him as she likes his sensitivity and kindness. I see him for his kindness and love. He will literally die for a stranger, he has been used very very badly by others due to his kind nature and he struggles to understand why people are not like him.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:50

So, for ever more you will be his protector and his enabler

Shielding him from the bad things in life and smoothing his path along the way. Of course, you must never get narky, or ill, or fed up, or in need of support yourself

That will get very old, very quickly

mintoil · 10/01/2016 18:55

Gosh he sounds sexy!

DoreenLethal · 10/01/2016 18:57

He's unique because of his sensitivity

I'm sorry but WTF???

This will not end well.

Leigh1980 · 10/01/2016 19:11

well sorry being as sensitive as he is, is unique. Do you see men crying over subsets? Doubt it!! I'm sorry if being like he is, is unsexy to some people but at least I don't have someone who will beat me or put me second. I've had a really bad cold this week and I was in bed, the whole week he didn't leave my side, he made food for me, Med lemon, tea, massaged my back and put a wet cloth on my forehead. He's extremely protective of me and holds my hand when we cross the road even.

I don't know why this thread has turned on him, all I m was doing in my original post was identifying with the OP But not once did I complain about it I was just letting the OP know she wasn't alone. I don't have to be with him I choose to.

I must have some wired writing style as mostly every time I wrote something it gets turned against me in someway. I read MN a lot but barely post as it always seems to have a negative effect on the thread or my DP. He and I have been through a lot in our three years including a major move abroad (back to SA from the UK). We've come out stronger and closer for it. I'm sorry if people like us are seen as wierd (perhaps that's why I've never had been able to make friends). People love me but never want to be my friend. My old boss gave me a bonus when I left as a reward for being such a well liked manager (his words)

Leigh1980 · 10/01/2016 19:13

Typos - sunsets not subsets and wierd not wired.

Leigh1980 · 10/01/2016 19:24

Abyway I accept him as he is and he is truly sexy. He has the most beautiful kindest eyes you can imagine. People often say he is angelic. Won't post again as this is the OP's thread and I don't think I need to justify us. Although I might start my own thread about my inability to make friends. He has plenty but I have none.