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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH would rather jerk off alone than have sex with me.

48 replies

hadenoughofit37 · 09/01/2016 08:40

It has been destroying me for a while. We do it maybe 2-5 times a year. We have two children. We went sexless for 2 years after DS2 was born. Been with him for 18 years, never married due to the lack of intimacy. Went out with a friend last week and got loads of attention!

I am a size 12/14, a SAHM and he works a 3 hour commute away. I raised the subject last night with him and he said he would rather jerk off to porn. He was even laughing about it!!

He said the reason he wanks is:
a) no pressure.
b) its quick.
c) He is tired and uses it to go to sleep!

We sleep separately and he has been violent to me in the past. Is it vain of me to split up the family because of this?

OP posts:
Original poster
hadenoughofit37 · 09/01/2016 08:42

By the way I have a normal sex drive and he constantly rejects me if I initiate it - which makes me feel so shit. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 09/01/2016 08:43

Leave the abusive wanker.

No, it's not vain to want a marriage that includes sex and doesn't include violence.

Ledkr · 09/01/2016 08:44

I'm saddened that you mentioned the fact that he's been violent to you after the no sex thing!!

Yes, get the fuck out!

Christinayangstwistedsista · 09/01/2016 08:49

There isn't really a relationship here is there? It appears that he has no interest in your needs or wants and is abusive, so no its not vain wanting to leave, I'm surprised you have managed to stuck it for so long

CityMole · 09/01/2016 08:49

I left a marriage because of lack of intimacy and it took years of couples therapy and angst before I gave up. However, he never once so much as a raised his voice to me. Your dh deserves no understanding or allowances from you. See a lawyer, and start making plans now. Get your plan together before you say a thing to him.

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 09/01/2016 08:50

Leave him,you deserve so much better.Are you in a position to leave?I hope you can do it soon.

kittybiscuits · 09/01/2016 08:53

Vain? No. It's not vain. He's appalling and it must be awful for you. Please start planning your exit.

Original poster
hadenoughofit37 · 09/01/2016 08:55

How do I plan my exit? I am so sacred I have been with him since 19 (now 37) and have no family, I feel so trapped I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 09/01/2016 08:56

Call women's aid for advice Flowers

SnackPlease · 09/01/2016 09:00

I've been on MN for a while and never said this before, but LTB. Now.

kittybiscuits · 09/01/2016 09:01

It's very scary. It's a huge change. You won't regret it. You can start by looking into the practicalities. Find out about your finances, if you don't already know, and starting looking at how things might work after you separate. As he has a history of violence, I would keep your cards close to your chest for a while. See a solicitor. It's one step ata time. You don't have to start the divorce but you can find out what you can reasonably expect for the future. You can leave him. You will be happier away from him. There's a ton more horrible stuff that he does/has done isn't there?

kittybiscuits · 09/01/2016 09:02

Yes yes to WA!

Original poster
hadenoughofit37 · 09/01/2016 09:05

Thanks for your advice I do have a small income so I could go, I will call WA when he takes kids out later and start planning for the exit.

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 09/01/2016 09:09

These guys are not married I think?

In one way it makes leaving much simpler.

But then as a SAHP the OP is extremely vulnerable financially.

But leave you must, OP. Because he is a violent abusive man who doesn't give a shit about you.

How old are the dc?

Original poster
hadenoughofit37 · 09/01/2016 09:12

My children are 1 and 5! so quite young so I don't feel I could go back to work due to before / after school care. I have not worked since 2009 so I am financially dependent on him but earn about £1500 - £2,000 per month running a website - but this is not something that is not stable and I cannot rely on it.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 09/01/2016 09:12

He is referred to as DH. Are you married hadenough?

Original poster
hadenoughofit37 · 09/01/2016 09:16

No we are not married I should have said DP in original post. It makes it worse in some way as he has loads of money which I am sure he will keep to himself and he wanted to marry me but I never could bring myself to actually marry him due to the violence and lack of sex.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 09/01/2016 09:18

I understand. What's your housing situation at the moment?

Original poster
hadenoughofit37 · 09/01/2016 09:24

We jointly own a house where we both live.

OP posts:
abbsismyhero · 09/01/2016 09:25

with that ammount of money you should be fine unless you're in london area? if you are perhaps its time for a change

ArmySal · 09/01/2016 09:44

How could you go sexless for 2 years after DS2 if he's 1 year old? Confused

HandyWoman · 09/01/2016 09:46

Maybe OP means once she conceived ds2

?

Original poster
hadenoughofit37 · 09/01/2016 09:46

I meant DS1

OP posts:
Original poster
hadenoughofit37 · 09/01/2016 09:47

then 18 months no sex after DS2!

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 09/01/2016 09:50

Do you have much equity in the house? Would you want to stay there with the children?