Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Can anyone help with my query please?

31 replies

Willmum79 · 08/01/2016 15:41

Hi All

This is my first post, and I'm wondering if anyone can help with my query?

I ended things with my boyfriend of 18months the Sunday after Boxing Day. Since then I've managed no contact quite happily, he's sent me a text and an email but I've not responded.

Well today I got an email from him saying that he had had a funny turn at the Drs and that when he came round the dr diagnosed him with anxiety and depression. Added to that he is now seeing a counsellor and this is the bit I need help with- the counsellor has asked him to get friends and and work colleagues as well as people he has been in a relationship with to write a statement about his moods and how he has behaved towards them recently so they can see a pattern of his behaviour....he says he would appreciate this help to move on...
He has asked me to do this. I feel this is unfair given our split is recent. I haven't responded to him.

My question is, does anyone know if a counsellor would ask you to get statements in this way?

Just seemed a little odd to me?

Thanks in advance
Xx

OP posts:

Twitterqueen · 08/01/2016 15:44

I think you are right to be suspicious here. I don't know, but it does sound odd to me too. I think he's playing you. My advice would be to ignore all messages from him.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/01/2016 15:48

I'm very suspicious how he has managed to get an appointment with a therapist so quickly!

Re the emails etc he is just trying to reel you back in. Let him sort his own self out now and you enjoy your future.

TempusEedjit · 08/01/2016 15:57

Sounds like a load of bollocks.

I've been diagnosed twice with depression, both times I had to fill in a questionnaire ranking my moods/responses on a scale of 1-5 (or similar, can't remember exactly) then do a series of follow up questionnaires so they could assess me.

I assume it's standard procedure as one was a GP in the south east and the other was after I'd moved up north.

Ignore him, he's not your problem anymore.

KinkyAfro · 08/01/2016 15:57

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Might be harsh but he's not your problem anymore, and I think he's trying to find a way to 'get back in'

TempusEedjit · 08/01/2016 15:58

Sorry I misread it as the GP asking, not the counsellor. Agree with Quitelikely it's happened way too quickly to be credible.

heavenlypink · 08/01/2016 16:05

Tempus is right. You 'self evaluate' at the beginning and the end of your block of therapy. I could understand if this was couples counselling that you were attending together but not someone going on their own. That is usually about your approach to events and situations in your life and not how other people perceive them.

goddessofsmallthings · 08/01/2016 16:11

I think it unlikely that any GP witnessing a patient 'having a funny turn' wherein they lose consciousness would immediately diagnose anxiety and depression when the patient 'came round' and are more likely to have despatched them to A&E or referred them for a brain scan or similar investigation to ascertain whether there was a physical cause of the 'turn'.

My former GP had an inhouse therapist beavering away in the basement and sessions could be arranged at short notice, but it again seems unlikely that a therapist would a) ask the patient to solicit accounts of their behaviour from friends/relatives and, more particularly, work colleagues or b) would do so at such an early stage in the therapeutic process.

This sounds like attention seeking behaviour designed to have you feeling sorry for him in the hope that he can reel you back in. As advised by other posters (above) I suggest you ignore his email and if he persists on this theme send a reply stating that you may be willing to give an account to his therapist providing they write to you direct with an assurance that whatever you say will be confidential - which serves to defeat the object of the exercise (if, in fact, there is one).

Original poster

Willmum79 · 08/01/2016 17:24

Thanks everyone for your responses.... Makes me feel more confident in my gut feeling which is that it's a load of twaddle...

Just feels harsh if he is genuinely going through a tough time, but as you say quite rightly, he needs to sort his own issues out, no one else can do that for him.

Thanks again all xxxx

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 08/01/2016 17:30

Sometimes you do have to be cruel to be kind, Willmum, and imo it's kinder to leave him in no doubt that the relationship is over so that he can get on with whatever it takes to recover his equilibrium without being distracted by hopes of reconcilation.

TheWhoreOfBabyliss · 08/01/2016 17:43

Stay no contact with him OP. The email is total and utter BS. No way would a health care professional ask anything like this - no way! He is trying to reel you back in. Stay teflon coated for your own sanity.

Jan45 · 08/01/2016 17:48

You ended it for good reason, remember that, he's just trying to reel you in again, sounds like you had a lucky escape.

I'd be amazed too that he got a counsellor that quick.

Original poster

Willmum79 · 08/01/2016 19:12

Thanks again all for your replies, really appreciate it xxxx

OP posts:

TheWhoreOfBabyliss · 08/01/2016 21:50

Oh and what Goddess said^^

Original poster

Willmum79 · 12/01/2016 10:50

Having a hard time staying strong today- day 16 of no contact and I am feeling a bit wobbly. I really don't want to email him back but I'm finding it tough....

Here's the offending email- apologies for being a wuss, I'm so grateful for the supportive messages so far.....

Hope you’re ok I’m sending you this E-mail which is extremely hard to do not to rekindle the relationship but as an apology and to offer the olive branch of friendship and ask for help. I recently had an episode in the doctors when with my father, after the doctor helped me round I had a conversation with him which led him to tell me he thought I was suffering from stress/anxiety and depression. At first I was shocked but then realised that what he was saying and the symptoms he described were true and I told him I need and want help but I declined medication. He has put me in contact with a councillor who I saw for the for the first time last night and at the end of the 2hr session which went really well she told me to keep a daily diary of how I feel and to ask colleagues I trust to give a profile of me from the time they met me to now including attitude and personality changes. I’ve asked Xxxx and Xxxx to write profiles on me without talking to each other and give frank and honest information as she wants to see if there’s a common factor. To that end she asked me could anybody I’ve had a relationship with produce a frank and honest profile on me to show my attitude, behaviours, moods and treatment of them through the relationship from the meeting to the breakup. As you were a big part of my life and my soulmate for 19 months even at the end I’m asking you for help as you will have seen changes most recently. If you could do this please and let me know you will could you post it or give it to Dan before the next session on the 14th hopefully it will help me understand with her help the problems I have and help me to move on. This does not excuse my behaviour towards you and things we said but with help I just want to get back to where I was when I met you so I can have a normal life again without imploding at the drop of a hat. I would still like to live in Xxxxxx at some time in the distance future and it would be nice if chance meetings went well irrespective of relationships we are in but if you don’t want to help I fully understand can’t say I’d blame you. I won’t contact again you if I don’t get a response we’ll have to work around it.

Best wishes for the future

Just seems so sad and so final, just got to find a way to woman up and get on with it!

OP posts:

jan2016 · 12/01/2016 10:58

He gives you an easy get out clause at the bottom by saying he understands if you don't reply and that they will be able to work round it. So best for you to stay out.

pocketsaviour · 12/01/2016 11:15

That sounds like utter bollocks.

A) If this "episode" happened recently it's extremely unlikely that he would be referred for NHS counselling so quickly - wait times are generally around the 3-month mark. It's also unlikely IME that an appointment would be 2hrs long - not for a relatively bog-standard case of anxiety/depression.
B) I cannot imagine a therapeutic process where a patient would be instructed to seek direct feedback from previous relationships, with all the potential for harsh recriminations that would bring. Especially since therapy is about the patient and how they think of themselves, not what some random colleague thinks of them!

I think you just move the email into a file marked "Archive" or whatever and do not reply. He's even said at the end he'll understand if you don't.

aginghippy · 12/01/2016 11:59

I agree it sounds like bollocks.

If it's not, at least you can be reassured that he is getting help for his problems. Any competent counsellor should be able to help him, if he engages with the process.

If it is a pack of lies, as you yourself suspect and everyone else on this thread believes, then the email is manipulative behaviour of the highest order and you are well rid of him.

Mebathiscold · 12/01/2016 12:08

The man is faking an illness in order to manipulate you. You should be glad it's final and see it not as sad but as a lucky escape.

LeaLeander · 12/01/2016 12:11

Agree with others. This is not how legitimate therapists operate.

tribpot · 12/01/2016 12:14

This is the guilt-making bit if I don’t get a response we’ll have to work around it. As if somehow the effectiveness of the therapy will be compromised without the OP's input. It's plainly bollocks. Take him at his word and don't reply. This comes across like he's seen a movie about rehab where friends and family are invited (by the counsellor) to come and explain the impact of the addiction on their lives. Even in movies it doesn't happen on day one of rehab, and he's not in bloody rehab anyway.

I wouldn't reply purely to see what he tries next to reel you back in. Perhaps he will get sectioned and email you from the psych ward saying unless you come and see him his mental health will never recover. Etc.

DoreenLethal · 12/01/2016 12:16

I would say 'I didn't get to the end of that missive, but if the general gist is that your therapist wants a statement from me, then by all means they can contact me and ask for one.'

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/01/2016 13:18

I wouldn't say that Doreen - then there might be some fabricated therapist his mate contacting the OP and dragging her back into unnecessary stress.

summerwinterton · 12/01/2016 13:43

what a coincidence he happened to be at the dr when he had his funny turn. This is not your problem. Block and no reply is the only way.

Snowglobe1 · 12/01/2016 14:46

I'd be suspicious of this. I think id reply saying that, as the relationship ended so recently, you don't think you'd be best placed to do this, and then avoid further contact.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 12/01/2016 14:49

Therapy's meant to be confidential isn't it?

No way would a therapist ask a patient to go round collecting statements from people they know.

Load of balls.

Flip

1 2