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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to end my relationship

41 replies

NotthespecialONE · 29/12/2015 18:40

Dp has just called my dd a fucking selfish cunt.
I'm so upset... He needs to go but I don't know how, do I just sling him out now? We have a 7 month old ds together, do I owe it to him to try and make it work with his dad?

OP posts:

NotSpeaking · 29/12/2015 18:41

Not after that. That's disgusting and abusive to a child.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/12/2015 18:42

No! How old is DD? Nobody should be calling her that.

ImperialBlether · 29/12/2015 18:42

No. Take advantage of your fury and tell him to get out now.

SparkleSoiree · 29/12/2015 18:43

That is despicable. Anyone referred to my children in that way wouldn't be in the house a minute longer.

Not ideal role model material I think.

Gliblet · 29/12/2015 18:45

You don't owe it to your DS to do anything other than be a loving mother, and tolerating an arsehole DP isn't part of that.
Do you live together? If so, do you own, rent, share a mortgage or lease? Are you reliant on his wage to pay bills? Do you rely on him or any of his family for childcare? None of these things would prevent you splitting but it might make things easier to think a few things through on here rather than on your own at 3am in the dark

Original poster

NotthespecialONE · 29/12/2015 18:46

No I agree, I want to tell him to go. My dd is 11

OP posts:

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/12/2015 18:49

Poor girl. Get him out. I take it youve been a single parent before, and therefore capable of doing so again.

I assume this is not his first offence.

pocketsaviour · 29/12/2015 18:53

Bloody hell, that's awful. Get him out asap.

What's the housing situation - do you rent or own together? Whose name on lease/deeds?

Original poster

NotthespecialONE · 29/12/2015 18:55

No it's not the first offence but the first time he's ever called her anything like that. They used to get on so well that's the sad thing. DD was extremely jealous when ds was born and she started behaving badly for attention - she's been the baby for 11 years so her nose was put firmly out of joint. Dp can't handle her behaviour and now hates her! I spent Christmas alone after I chucked him out over one of his outbursts. He promises he's going to change and I've been a fool to believe him. I can see him sucking the life out of my DD, hes going tonight!

OP posts:

Original poster

NotthespecialONE · 29/12/2015 18:56

Yes we live together - I really don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:

MoominPie22 · 29/12/2015 18:58

Has he been aggressive to you before? Violence towards any of you? Is he a drinker? Don't over-think this or you just might talk yourself round, or he might. Act now and get rid of this sorry, pathetic excuse of a man.

Prioritize your kids safety and wellbeing. But we need more details in order to advise further....family nearby, who owns the house, support network for practical/emotional support, will he kick off if confronted? etc etc....

Gliblet · 29/12/2015 18:59

Well, if its just your name on the mortgage/lease, you can just have the locks changed while he's out and leave his stuff on the doorstep in bags. If you co-own/have a joint lease then it'll be a bit more complex.

Original poster

NotthespecialONE · 29/12/2015 18:59

I'm upstairs getting ds to sleep - I don't know how I'm going to approach him when I go downstairs, he's got such an explosive temper, I know it's gonna kick off

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 29/12/2015 19:01

Call the police station and say you're kicking your abusive partner out tonight, they may be able to send back up.

TheWitchwithNoName · 29/12/2015 19:01

Do you have a DB, male friend or scary sister you can call on as back up?

Costacoffeeplease · 29/12/2015 19:03

Make sure you have your phone with you and charged up and call the police at the first sign of any kicking off - and let them deal with him - what a complete arse he is

MoominPie22 · 29/12/2015 19:06

I would def have someone with you if he's likely to kick off. Failing that, wait til he goes out tomorrow and get locks changed, as advised above.

Don't be telling a volatile character like him to get out if you're alone with kids. How did you go about booting him out last time? Has he hurt you in the past??

Cowscockwithonions · 29/12/2015 19:24

I've just ended my relationship with my emotionally abusive ex- he had done many things to upset me and my children- but the last straw for me was when he called my ds11 a cunt.
How did your dd react when he called her that? My ds was sobbing- I'll never forget how upset he was, which is why I ended the relationship. How date he call my child such a vile name?

Lopsidale · 29/12/2015 19:49

I don't know if this is the best way of going about it but if I was in your shoes I would just wait until the morning, get dd, ds and yourself out and then phone him. If you're scared he'll react badly then at least you're away from him. Agree with above posts about having backup. Is there anywhere the three of you can go?

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/12/2015 20:01

OP, I had a baby with my ex-husband after 11 years of marriage. He had been my DD's stepfather since she was two. She didn't take the news of the baby very well and changed a bit after he arrived. Unbeknown to me, she was being hit and shouted at by my now ex-h. As it happens, he had an affair and left. It was only after that that DD felt safe to tell me about previous behaviour. You can imagine how I felt. When I had to tell her her stepfather had left she was pleased and relieved, I was quite shocked at her reaction until she told me all of this and indeed that he had told her a full three months previously that he was leaving in an effort to force her to tell me so he didn't have to fucking coward. She then had a bit of a breakdown, veering between relief and devastation, it was pretty awful. If I had known what he was doing to her before, he would have been gone long before his affair was discovered. You have to put your DD first and indeed, your little baby deserves better than a man like that. This is likely to escalate. Have you tried Women's Aid? They may be able to help with sourcing a place of safety for you. Do you have family nearby or friends who can help? Please keep us posted...you're going to have to be very brave with this one..but you and your children have to be safe!

kittybiscuits · 29/12/2015 20:44

That's horrendous OP. You need to get your ducks in a row to deal with him but your decision is bang on. The safety of your children and yourself is paramount. Who can help you deal with him? Do you need legal advice about home? Finances? I would tell your poor DD that you will never let that happen again and that you will deal with it but that it has to be done safely. If it's your own house you can move things on quickly.

Twinklefuck · 29/12/2015 20:56

Please get him out of dd's life, she needs support and reassurance. 11 ffs what was he thinking!

Lonely04 · 29/12/2015 21:20

Please listen to your gut and kick him out ASAP. I have been listening to my stbxh's excuses and promise for 25 years, he will not change!
My kids now don't see anything wrong with being called cunts and bastards and I can tell you that is far more soul destroying than seeing them upset by it.
I wish you all the best whatever you decide, if I could turn back the clock, I would have left years ago.

Original poster

NotthespecialONE · 29/12/2015 22:50

Sorry for the late update

He's gone!

Even though he kicked off big-time I know in a couple of days he'll be trying to creep back in with all the usual crap - he's sorry, he'll change, he thinks he depressed and he'll go to the doctors, he'll go for counselling, he'll stop drinking etc... I'm ashamed to admit I've been stupid and taken him back every single time, he uses ds as a guilt trip on me says I'm making him grow up without a dad and how am I going to explain it to ds when he's older that he comes from a broken family.

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 29/12/2015 22:53

Brilliant. Well done

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