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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anonymous message about affair, how likely from OW?

34 replies

Oopsthatstornit · 28/12/2015 21:12

I got an anonymous message about husband's affair. Claiming to be from someone who works for him, about him and a colleague.

It is true. I am inviting speculation as to how likely it is to have been an random work person who messaged me, I have no connections really there, or the OW?

I feel like I am torn about the message being malign or benign, though the result is the same.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 28/12/2015 21:16

There's no need to shoot the messenger.

Does it matter who the message came from? But if so why? (genuine question, because on the face of it I'd say it doesn't, but there might be other factors which make it important for you)

NA200712 · 28/12/2015 21:16

I'm thinking from the OW. Have you confronted your partner?

12purpleapples · 28/12/2015 21:17

Did you know before the message?

Original poster
Oopsthatstornit · 28/12/2015 21:19

Don't want to shoot the messenger.

It's hard to explain, and I know it's nit the issue, I am dealing with that separately.

It matters because someone may have done it out of kindness to me, but that would be weird as I don't know them.

Or us has been done out of malice to try to provoke a split.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/12/2015 21:19

Who would have your contact details? Did they send it by email or by phone?

Original poster
Oopsthatstornit · 28/12/2015 21:20

I pretty much dis know befits message and DH knew I was suspicious.

Yes, confronted and come clean

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 28/12/2015 21:21

Hmm, depends on where your H works and whether the people who work with him love drama and shit-stirring, perhaps are quite young? If he works in a corporate-type environment then I'd say more likely to be OW.

Other question to ask is how this person would have got hold of your details to send you this message. Was it a text? I'm guessing not FB as you'd be able to see the originating account. Much easier for an OW to access your H's phone and note down your details than a random work colleague, if you see what I mean.

Sorry you're in this situation.

CalleighDoodle · 28/12/2015 21:21

It could be a colleague unhappy about how you are being treated, especially if they are blazen at work.
It could be the ow wanting you to know to force him to leave.

But why does it matter? Your husband has been having an affair. Is that a deal breaker for you, or not? are you happy to atay married to him knowing he has had an aftair and likely to do so again?

You are focusing on the wrong thing here.

MuttonCadet · 28/12/2015 21:21

I'd bet at OW, certainly at this time of year. If he's been with you over Christmas she'll have been alone. Have you told him about the message?

MuttonCadet · 28/12/2015 21:22

Sorry xpost

MsMims · 28/12/2015 21:23

The only way to know would be ask if it was her, the OW, as you'd like to know some more details. But even then she could deny it was her so you're no better off.

Probably best to make peace with the fact that in the brand scheme of things, it doesn't matter who sent it. Are you worried that it is someone else/ a work colleague and feel embarrassed that people know?

MsMims · 28/12/2015 21:24

*grand, sorry.

Sum314 · 28/12/2015 21:24

can you do a test? thank the messenger and say I'll deal with that after I get back from Belgium. Or whatever. If a friend ever says to you 'how was your trip to Belgium?' you'll know. Am I too columbo?

or maybe reply "are you sure? how do you know, things have been so good between us lately" if OW, that'd cause trouble.

BUT if you know it's true, I wouldn't agonise over who sent it.

Original poster
Oopsthatstornit · 28/12/2015 21:27

MsMims yes, that's part of it. I hate the feeling.

I know this is not the issue, just plaguing me

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 28/12/2015 21:27

I'm not sure it'll be easy to find out which.

Because basic employee contact details (including 'who to contact in an emergency') are usually easy to find out in a workplace, so any number of colleagues might be able to get hold of them.

So yes, it might be the OW forcing a crisis (New Year does that to people). Or it might be that a colleague has noticed something going on and thinks you deserve to make decisions for your own future based on truth not lies (see oodles of past MNnthreads on 'should I tell?').

Original poster
Oopsthatstornit · 28/12/2015 21:28

It was pre Christmas, think details gained from fb.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 28/12/2015 21:29

Does your H not recognise the number? Even if it's not hers, he may know who it is.

Although, it would drop the messenger right in it from his pov.

I would have thought you'd have bigger fish to fry at the moment. I hope you're OK, OP. Flowers

Twinklestein · 28/12/2015 21:29

It really doesn't matter, whoever it was from has done you a favour whatever their motivation.

lunar1 · 28/12/2015 21:30

I would reply asking for more detail, and go along with the line of thing being so good between you right now. If this has come from someone else they will tell you, if it's come from an ow it would probably upset/cause problems for them.

notapizzaeater · 28/12/2015 21:31

I'd also send a reply asking for more details because you are soooooo happy and close at the moment

Twinklestein · 28/12/2015 21:35

Bollocks, don't reply.

If it is OW you don't want to get drawn in and if it's not you won't get a reply anyway.

mathanxiety · 28/12/2015 21:38

Agree with Twinklestein.

CalleighDoodle · 28/12/2015 21:38

Fight ao basically you want to check if other pepple at his work know or not, because you intend to forgive him and stay together and dont want to feel embarrassed at work events?

LittleCandle · 28/12/2015 21:39

I had the same thing and I think it was a friend of XH's who was disgusted at the way he was treating me. At the time, I thought it was a malicious prank and reported it to the police, but I am so glad now that this person did it. He, whoever he was and whatever his motivation, did me an enormous favour, even if I couldn't see it at the time. I would just leave things be.

Original poster
Oopsthatstornit · 28/12/2015 21:41

I will leave it, wasn't intending to do anything about this, was just feeling horrible about it.

It's not the issue. I don't go tomorrow things anyway. Just wanted to know who knows about my life, will quit this now, don't want more upset.

OP posts: