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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help he's on his way back

32 replies

wobblywingbatgirl · 27/12/2015 08:25

Hi not much time so please read previous thread but he text this morning and said can he come back, just till sorted as he 'can't do it anymore' - how do I play this?!?! I don't think there's any hope for us as I will never trust him and in his words we were too broken to fix. Should I let him?! Literally on his way back now.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 27/12/2015 08:31

One word: NO.

Because if you say yes, and it's a mistake to let him come back, you've just made it horrible for yourself. Harm done. More complication.

But if you say no and later decide it would have been OK to say yes - well, you just say yes then. No harm done.

I can only guess from this post alone that it's yet another cheating arsehole...? In which case, far better he proves himself from afar.

wannabestressfree · 27/12/2015 08:32

Absolutely not.....
Let him pick up stuff and leave again. Don't be a convienence.

Cabrinha · 27/12/2015 08:33

Oh and, any man who says "can I come back?" and then panics you by instantly setting out to do do, is pressuring you and therefore behaving badly when he should most be behaving well.

Text "this is too soon, don't pressurise me, do not come here today".

Or "fuck off", depending how badly he has behaved?

Walkacrossthesand · 27/12/2015 08:34

Just had a quick look at past thread - do not let him in! I would say, if DC is awake, bundle on clothes and go out. How bloody dare he - waltz off leaving you bereft, then just expect you to be there when it goes tits up for him. No. Just No. But he'll pull all your strings, wheedle and manipulate, if you let him in, so - don't. And preferably be out. He made his choice, he cops the outcome.

Original poster
wobblywingbatgirl · 27/12/2015 08:38

Thank you all for your comments - I'm on tenterhooks but will post soon x

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 27/12/2015 08:40

Don't be his puppet love.

Say 'not my problem - you left us and are not welcome here'.

I suspect she has done something he doesn't like and he is flouncing until she behaves. Don't be party to the game and don't do the 'pick me' dance.

Original poster
wobblywingbatgirl · 27/12/2015 08:41

I should add that im on tenterhooks as I've locked the door. Dc still asleep.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 27/12/2015 08:42

Oh god I've read your previous thread AND re-read your post.

It would be bad enough if he was falling out of OW's bed back to yours.

But "just til sorted"?

I left you after 24 years to have an affair and instantly move in with 3 kids. Now I want to use your place as a fucking hotel because she's ended it / I'm bored with 3 new step kids?

Oh come on batgirl.

For Xmas I am sending you 3 gifts:

  1. ANGER
  2. Self respect
  3. A great sense of justice and peace that will come from telling him no, no you don't get to treat me like shit any more, of COURSE you can't come back here until you're sorted or otherwise.

Think of your own daughter, with her feckless father yoyo-ing in and out of her home.

Be a good mother, even if you can't be good for yourself.

No no no no no no no.

"until I'm sorted". What an absolute areshole. He changed he address. He has NO chance of challenging you if you go for an occupation order, so don't buy any shit about it being his house either!

If he changes his tune to wanting to work it out, he's sorry (because he wants an easy bed for the night) then if you want to try again that's your business (funeral). But he can do that by proving himself outside the home.

TELL HIM NO

Original poster
wobblywingbatgirl · 27/12/2015 08:43

And apparently he has a car full of clothes....

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 27/12/2015 08:44

Text him and tell him that he does not live there and you will not let him in.

Can you get a friend to come over to the house for moral support?

Also call police 101 to ask whether there's be any support if you called them if he tries to get in. I'm sure you'd get an occupation order, but I'm not sure what the position is NOW.

I really hope you at least changed the locks?

xWurlyCurlyx · 27/12/2015 08:44

Text back saying "i can't do it anymore either - absolutely not" then don't answer the door. Honestly, don't let him try to guilt you - stay strong!

Cabrinha · 27/12/2015 08:44

That's great news that he has a car full of clothes. He'll be fully equipped at a mate's house, or in a hotel.

Dipankrispaneven · 27/12/2015 08:46

Make sure all your doors and windows are locked. And I agree, tell him NOW not to come over.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/12/2015 08:46

Have you left the key in the door?
Have you replied and told him not to come back?

Walkacrossthesand · 27/12/2015 08:46

Don't wait for him to come banging on the door, waking up and upsetting DC - text/call him & say he's not to come round! And you could call 111 for advice about what to do if he does bang on door & make a nuisance of himself. Hold fast....

Walkacrossthesand · 27/12/2015 08:47

101, sorry! 111 is the health number!

Creampastry · 27/12/2015 08:48

Noooooo ...... Just say no very strongly

Cabrinha · 27/12/2015 08:50

Batgirl, please, this is really important.

You cannot let him stay even one night.

If there's any chance you don't want him back - and there's obviously a massive chance of that! - you may need an Occupation Order to keep him out of the house.

Right now, that's probably one trip to a solicitor. I'm not a legal expert, but he's clearly moved out, he can't claim it's his home / residence.

You let him back in, for ONE NIGHT - and who knows?! You might fuck up your chance of an occupation order.

How many threads have you seen on here where people are desperate for an ex to leave, and they won't???

Your kids must NOT wake up to daddy re-appearing. Don't put them through that.

Text him NO. Tell him that you don't want him moving back in.

You know he probably had sex with the OW last night, those clothes he is bringing back were probably washed by her, he'll come in smelling of her as 2 hours ago he was in bed with her?

And he's only coming back until he's "sorted".

Oh love - SELF RESPECT!!!! He doesn't get to treat you like this.
What an absolute fucking arsehole he is. Not even pretending he wants you back, either.

Cabrinha · 27/12/2015 08:51

Come on: text him NO.
Preferably, no - fuck off you arsehole.

But also no - do not arrive and upset the children, I will not let you in, and I will cause the police if you cause a scene.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 27/12/2015 08:51

Stay strong. Say NO

You are not his crash pad.

FantasticButtocks · 27/12/2015 08:53

Is he on his way back because you said 'yes'? You can change your mind and text him 'now I've had a chance to think, I don't think its a good idea. It won't help me and it will confuse the dcs. Please make other arrangements as I will not be opening the door.'

TheoriginalLEM · 27/12/2015 08:56

why have you agreed to this?

GingerIvy · 27/12/2015 08:59

Tell him no. From someone who let her ex back in once and then things got so much worse as he figured he had me back in control. Once he is out he needs to stay out. Do not even open the door if he shows up.

NorksAreMessy · 27/12/2015 09:25

Nooooooooooo.
You have come so far since September.
Don't let all that pain and growth be for nothing :(

Anniegetyourgun · 27/12/2015 09:28

I notice it's not "I miss you all, I shouldn't have left you" but that he has to come back because he can't cope with... something or other. (The consequences of his self-centred actions, that would be.) Absolutely no sign of consideration for the family he left at the drop of a hat, let alone any sign of apology. This isn't someone who actually cares about any of you. And you're supposed to feel sorry for him because he "can't do it any more"? You're supposed to smooth his troubled brow and make him feel better about it all? Well, tough.