Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moved away from family and now on the verge of splitting up.

38 replies

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 17:10

We are on the verge or splitting up.
We moved away from family and friends 18 months ago, because of DH job. 6yr old has been in local school and is really settled. I have made some nice friends here but if we do split up I'd want to go back to our local area as I have family, and closer friends there.
But the guilt of pulling ds out of school, the fact that we only bought a house a year ago, the money we have spent doing it up so far!
My dh would not want me to move back, but I would want the support if we did split! I'm a sahm but can get work easily in both areas.
What would you do?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2015 17:14

Surely it's better where you are so you cut down on the travel between you?

I assume you'll be splitting time with the kids and going back to work? Neither of you are going to want to spend loads of time travelling

Thanks
Duckdeamon · 26/12/2015 17:16

What are you assuming will happen with respect to custody of the DC? That he'd just see them eow?

Finola1step · 26/12/2015 17:16

It depends. How far away did you move? Will support from friends and family enable you to return to work?

Cantwaittillboxingday · 26/12/2015 17:30

It would depend on how hands on he is as a father for me as to whether I moved or not. If he would see the children regularly and would support you if you worked, I would stay where you are. If not, go to where family and friends are.

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 17:34

We moved 3hrs away.
My dh works away, 2weeks on 2weeks off so it'd be a given that dc would spend the 2 weeks dh is away with me, then I guess shared for the other 2 weeks.

I just prefer the area we were at, and only moved here for dh

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 17:35

I wouldn't be expecting childcare support from family/friends. Would just prefer to be closer to them.
The house is owned by dh, and I live there.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2015 17:38

Well if he's your husband then I guess the house will need to be sold.

Are you both up for that amount of travel every two weeks?

It's going to cause havoc for you to get a job where for two weeks you've no childcare issues then suddenly you've full childcare. As it will for dh too.

What about school?

lucyjordon · 26/12/2015 17:40

The travelling will have the biggest impact on your dc

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 17:46

The childcare/work isn't an issue.

Yes, I think the travelling will be the biggest issue, plus I dh dossn't know anyone where we are now so he will be on his own.... I'd feel bad about that. Our split isn't on bad terms.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 17:46

I'm thinking of myself more than dc :/

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 17:47

I'm just thinking of options. 6tr old still has lots of friends in our old place, and I guess he could go back to his old school?

OP posts:
Cantwaittillboxingday · 26/12/2015 17:51

Oh don't worry about your exh. If you split up you have to both move on. What if he met someone new straight away? I think you need to be realistic about what splitting up/divorcing means despite your feelings (which may well change during divorce anyway.)

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 18:06

Thanks can'twait it's been playing on my mind fir a while now, and every now and again things happen that make us move closer to splitting up. We've reached that point!

OP posts:
wannaBe · 26/12/2015 18:16

Lots of issues. Firstly, moving three hours away will have a huge impact on your ds' relationship with his dad. It would be unfair to make decisions which would benefit you but disadvantage your ds.

Secondly, don't assume he has lots of friends where you used to live. If he was 4.5 when you left those friendships will have moved on, in eighteen months.

I've been where you are, and I chose to stay near my xh for ds' sake, and yes, it is hard, but ds has to be a priority. Plus I would never want to be three hours away from ds and only seeing him every few weeks, so what makes it ok to do that to his dad?

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 18:23

You're right wannabe

I just wished we hadn't moved here in the 1st place, and think it has a bit to do with us not working out :/

OP posts:
Finola1step · 26/12/2015 18:25

Realistically, if you and dc move 3 hours away and with his work patterns, your dh will have some weekend access and some shared holidays. Especially as you have a dc at school. The set up would be that the dc are resident with you, in your old town and you then devise a contact arrangement.

I can understand why you want to return but I'm not sure of your reasons are sufficient. If you can be financially stable in the current area, then you may need to rethink.

It depends. Do you think your h is an active parent who will challenge you on moving away? Or will he be happy to have one or two weekends a month?

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 18:32

Hi is very active in parenting, and will challenge it.
He works away for 2 weeks each month, so I'm finding it hard to think of staying here as he won't be here for half the month :/

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2015 18:34

Do you think he would try and change his work pattern ?

If not I guess you will go two weeks each alternately ? Then you'd have to stay there to keep him in one school.

What a mess

wannaBe · 26/12/2015 18:38

But the other half of the month he would be able to have him both weekends and several nights in the week. And who is going to do twelve hours of travel two weekends a a month?

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 18:41

No chance of a change in work pattern.... He works for an oil company.

Yes, wannabe I know :/

OP posts:
wannaBe · 26/12/2015 18:44

Also, if he already works away two weeks a month you're already without support for those weeks?

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 18:50

I always have been wannabe
I only work when he is home, so I will have to start organising childcare, as I will have to work more when on my own.

OP posts:
loooopo · 26/12/2015 18:52

Did you say he works 2 weeks on 2 weeks off? If he is working away for 2 weeks - can he live anywhere (ie back or near to your home town) on his 2 weeks off?

Joysmum · 26/12/2015 18:58

Tough shit as far as I'm concerned. They only moved 18 mo tha ago and it was good enough to pull the DS away from his settled home then.

I'd move back to be with my family and friends too. Your son is 6 and why shouldn't you move to suit you instead of yet again being expected to fit in around your DH.

Original poster
ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 19:06

Yes he can loooo we moved initially as it makes it easier/cheaper for him to get to work (train rather than plane).

That's the thinking I have in the back of my head joys my ds is still in contact with some of his old friends, as their mums are good friends of mine. Plus we head down there every few months or so to visit my parents, so meet up with friends then too.
It's just I don't know what dh will want to do? Esp as we have a house.

OP posts: