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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moved away from family and now on the verge of splitting up.

38 replies

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 17:10

We are on the verge or splitting up.
We moved away from family and friends 18 months ago, because of DH job. 6yr old has been in local school and is really settled. I have made some nice friends here but if we do split up I'd want to go back to our local area as I have family, and closer friends there.
But the guilt of pulling ds out of school, the fact that we only bought a house a year ago, the money we have spent doing it up so far!
My dh would not want me to move back, but I would want the support if we did split! I'm a sahm but can get work easily in both areas.
What would you do?

OP posts:

Joysmum · 26/12/2015 19:07

The DH is already choosing to be away 2 weeks out of 4 so why shouldn't the live where she wants rather than being expected to always come second to her DH wants.

If the DH doesn't like it he can put his son first and not the job.

wannaBe · 26/12/2015 19:07

It's not about what is best for the dh, it's what's best for the ds. Taking him away from his dad could never be said to be in his best interests.

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 19:15

No, I wouldn't ever want to take him away from his dad.
But at same time, I don't want to stay here when we split. I have no close friends here and would be on my own, wheras I have emotional support back in my precious place

OP posts:

wannaBe · 26/12/2015 19:15

"If the DH doesn't like it he can put his son first and not the job." Yes, perhaps he should quit his job and go for residency and let the op move three hours away without him.

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 19:15

Previous! Not precious :/.... Makes me sound crazy!

OP posts:

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 19:16

He can't leave his job, it would make him financially unstable

OP posts:

Joysmum · 26/12/2015 19:27

It's not about what is best for the dh, it's what's best for the ds. Taking him away from his dad could never be said to be in his best interests

His dad is already taking himself away from his DS and already chosen a job that took his DS away from his previously stable home.

There are plenty of parents out there who choose not to work away nearly 50% of the time because they don't deem it in their child's best interests.

tribpot · 26/12/2015 19:34

So the current location is not required for your DH's job, just cheaper for travel. I take it that means he pays for his own travel to and from the work site?

The ideal solution would be for you all to move back to your previous area, although I guess he's unlikely to want to do that to accommodate you? I guess you can only propose it and see what he says. If he wants residence of ds for some or all of the two weeks he's back he will also need to build a support network and will find it even harder given he's out of the area for the other two weeks. Given none of you have any major connection to the current area it would make sense to return. However, you may have to accept that a consequence of your previous choice to move is the need to put down roots in the current area.

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 19:42

Sorry joy but dh was doing his job before dc were born, it is the only thing he's qualified at and giving up a good job would be stupid.
I have chosen to be a sahm to counteract the time he is away.
He spends more quality time with dc in the 2 weeks he's home than any 9-5 job would give. It has worked well as a family, but it is proving difficult in a split.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 26/12/2015 19:43

Yes trib i think us all moving back would be the best option. I will broach the subject

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2015 19:44

Well if he spends loads of time with them
in the two weeks off its you that's going to have the hardest time in the split as you will be without them for 2 weeks a month.

That's going to be really hard on you

To a certain extent he is used to it as he's had lots of practise at managing his time apart.

Atenco · 26/12/2015 19:54

I agree with tribpot's suggestion, it sounds like the best thing for everyone concerned.

Of course the most important person in this is your ds, but if the parents are happy and secure, that will also reflect on your child's welfare.

Joysmum · 27/12/2015 08:44

Well if you choose to continue to put yourself last so he can continue his life without making any sacrifices as you have, that's entirely up to you.

I too thought being a SAHM was refer able for our family but would not make that sacrifice or being away from friends and family for a man I was no longer with and worked away had the time and would only have shared custody the other half anyway.

That's me though, you're not me and you know your situation best. Good luck going forwards with whatever you decide

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